


for the lucky and the strong

by cactuscrow



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bro!Kristoff, F/F, Fifth Spirit Elsa, I posted this without checking, Queen Anna, Reincarnation AU, canon sucks so this happened, literal translation: this story didn't have an ounce of editing in it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:13:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 55,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24623002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactuscrow/pseuds/cactuscrow
Summary: "I’ve met you once."An earnest smile. "You loved me, too."--Times changed, the world moved on, but as she stared into her beloved’s eyes – the one she danced with on a brightly lit room once a long, long time ago – she couldn’t help but think that maybe their love was really meant to last until their souls were no longer.
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney)
Comments: 144
Kudos: 194





	1. A River That Drowns The Tender Reed

**Chapter 1: A River That Drowns the Tender Reed**

There was a terrifying amount of snow and ice inside her room. It enveloped the walls with harsh webs, thick, almost a part of it, surging across the floor and up to the ceiling. Her gloved hands were shaking, pressed against each other as she curled tighter into herself.

Her mind was racing and there was nothing more she wanted than for it go away. _Stop, stop. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show. Stop. Please._

It never did.

Tears were painfully stuck around her eyes, and everything in this situation screamed extreme coldness. That fact only added to the confusion of the girl because she felt warm. So warm that when she blinked her eyes for just a split second, everything was as it was.

Her light blue room with the floor-to-ceiling windows on her right, revealing the night sky at its prime, a fuzzy white comforter enveloping her tiny body in a searing chamber, or maybe it’s the fever.

Elisa’s head was pounding. Her eyes were struggling with gravity and her mother was idly petting her hair. Brain muddled up because of the memory of ice contrasting with the burning ache behind her forehead, Elisa let go of her consciousness readily. Along with it, the memory of the little girl frozen in fear inside a frozen room.

**..**

The second time it happened, though Elisa would later recall this event as the first, it was her eighth birthday. It had been snowing, something that hadn't been occurring for the past eighty-six years in Corona, and even though this was the first time the blonde girl saw the white, cold substance, it tugged at her memory like the flavour of her favourite smoothie.

She was happily playing with her brother, breath fogging up the air as they tried to catch the falling snowflakes into their mouths. Her dad was watching them with a small grin, taking numerous pictures with his phone, fondness etched into his face.

Elisa received a pendant of sorts from her mom, something that she got from her older relatives, while her dad got her a book on how to use time wisely. Their gifts were amazing, both reflecting who they were to their only daughter.

The pendant was a beautiful reminder to relish on what she had and the book, a subtle message to trust your own wit.

When her father tucked her in that night, he placed a light kiss on her forehead. Elisa was only a few minutes asleep when she began to dream.

It was snowing, as it always does. The galloping of horses was loud and the smell of the stable was strong.

"You're late," a voice behind her said, clearly female. "For about two hours and five minutes."

Something about the girl's voice told her that the speaker's pouting. A smile lit her face, chest fuzzy with warmth as arms wrapped around her waist from behind, a face nuzzling a cold nose on her neck.

"I'm sorry, love," she felt herself say, genuinely apologetic. "I didn't mean to keep you on waiting. You know how meetings are."

The girl behind her hummed, letting go after a short while. She turned and saw a beautiful young woman. Her copper hair falling down her shoulder and back in waves. She was beautiful. With eyes painted with the most entrancing combination of blue and green and a smiling freckled face, she's the most beautiful girl Elisa had ever seen.

And then she woke. Her alarm clock going off to signalise morning.

\---

“C’mon! What are you, five?” Christian teased as they stood in front of the roller coaster. “Don’t tell me you’re pussying out now?”

Elisa huffed but whined when her brother tugged her to the first row of the ride. “Chris! You know I’m scared of heights!”

“You can’t back away from this. We stood in line for three damned hours and I refuse to ride this monster alone.” At her almost sickly face, Christian’s tone softened. “Hey, if you really don’t want to, we could leave. We could get that huge-ass hotdog from the stand at the entrance instead.”

Elisa looked at him, he smiled. “What do you think?”

Taking a deep breath, she steeled her gaze and straightened her back. “Is this safe?”

“Of course,” Christian smirked, happy to see the determination on her eyes burning brighter. “There’s only a fifteen percent chance something will go wrong.”

Elisa deflated, but rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. “Well, as what mom says, you only live once.”

“Way to project that this would be our last moments.”

She laughed heartily at him as the other people settled in the seats behind them. Her heart pumping loudly at her chest, Elisa quipped. “If I see you again in our next life, I’ll kick you.”

“Not if I kicked you first.”

Their ride went alive with a lurch and the screech that came out of her mouth was almost drowned by her brother’s laughter.

\--

Elisa was getting small moments of visions. It would be a light way to call it. She was sure Christian would mock her and call it hallucinations, but something in her was responding to these situations, making her feel that it was something more.

Some of these moments were sweet, sending a warmth that couldn’t be shaken from her bones for a few days. There was one with a baby reindeer, its soft fur on her fingertips as she petted it. Once she was riding a horse through the ocean, alive and free, one with the wind and sky. Flashes, like movie scenes, waiting to be unfolded with a story.

Some were almost debilitating, bringing tears in her eyes, and a remarkable worry from her unknowing companions if she experienced it with them around. Most of those unhappy ones were filled with so much pain, the anxiety clouding her vision as she gasps for air, wringing her hands sore. In those visions she was alone, scared, certain she was a monster.

Elisa didn’t want to think about those too much.

There were these two visions, she couldn’t choose between them, that Elisa decided were her favourites.

One was when she was spinning, round and round in circles, skating through the ice, hands entangled with warm ones, guiding the familiar auburn-haired woman she was so accustomed to into a gleeful dance. They were happy, Elisa and the mysterious girl, and they giggled and smiled and the blonde just knew that it must be the happiest moment she never experienced.

The other one was more serious. There were conflicting emotions battling inside her chest but the complete adoration she felt wasn’t diminished as she watched the auburn-haired woman smile in euphoria after kissing her groom.

It couldn’t be because of that golden haired man. It might be because the woman was so happy, so alive and _happy_. It definitely was that. Elisa found herself so smitten with her from all these visions, even if she could never recall what she looked like outside of her creative stupors.

Now that she thought of it, the groom looked like Christian, if Christian was a buff, six-foot guy who looked like he was in cloud nine. Granted, she had never seen her brother that happy, or that buff, but if she squinted hard enough Elisa would be able to see him.

Then again, those blurry faces could be anyone.

It’s probably only because of her overactive imagination. It couldn’t be based on reality. There was a talking snowman in most of it!

“Lighthorne, what are you staring at?”

Elisa was brought back harshly to the, surprisingly, empty room she was in. Her professor arched an eyebrow and the blonde rushed out of there, Hydraulics never entering her brain for the whole lesson.

\--

Christian was a year older than her. That meant he experienced things first before she did.

She remembered how he told her about that camp in middle school where he warned her about going because there were a rat and roach infestation on the bunkers. He also narrated his first day of high school, telling her to prepare for the horrendous walk between classes.

As he put his jerseys and books in boxes, Christian once again would do something before her.

Graduation was still three weeks away but her brother couldn’t rest without packing his most precious belongings.

“And you have to make sure that Weaseltown gives you the credits you’ve taken. He’s a slimy old bastard and won’t miss out on screwing students when he has the chance.”

Elisa laughed as she folded his shirts, shaking her head in amusement. “He’s a terror, isn’t he? I remember when Mulan had him for calculus. She had to complain to the principal’s office because the weasel wouldn’t let her get the points she got right just because she screwed a decimal point.”

“Here’s to hoping he gets fired next year,” Christian guffawed as he pushed his folded clothes into a case.

“How old is he anyways? Isn’t he way past the retirement age already?”

Her brother tilted his head in thought. “I think he’s sixty-five, but he could be younger than that. He’s a spritely old man, after all. But if he goes and try to screw you over, give me a head’s up. I’m sure his new car could help a little stink bomb.”

Elisa smiled at him as he winked. In moments like this, Christian was more of her knight than her brother, always keeping her safe and happy. Elisa wouldn’t forget how he punched her bully in the face when they were younger, all because she came home crying when the boy called her a ‘dumbie’.

Their mother called them for dinner shortly and Elisa couldn’t help but be thankful that she had such a loving family

\--

There were snow people, hundreds of them, around Elisa as she walked amongst them. She was barefoot, but the ice underneath her feet, caging her into a humungous room didn’t bother her.

Some of them looked a little bit like her actually, if not uncannily so. The snow didn’t take away any details but it’s hard to discern what they were as they were all, well, white.

However, that snow figure walking on the other side of the room had a familiar braid, one she sometimes wore, and even if it was literally snow white, she knew what her face looked like.

Elisa wanted to look at the people more closely. The style of their clothes were formal, like royalty in the eighteen hundreds formal, but she couldn’t turn her head. Like each and every one of this visions, there was something happening, and whatever Elisa thought of the situation, it would never change anything.

She was walking to a certain area, the utmost left part of the place. The heaviness in her heart was unmissable, a burning cold inside her chest.

Elisa stopped by a family. At least that’s what she thought it was. There was a papa snow person, a mama snow person sitting on the bed, and a little snow girl peeking over a crib.

The baby on the crib cooed and the little girl giggled, turning to look at the mother. “When will she be able to talk?”

Papa snow person neared the girl and knelt over her. He went right before Elisa but he didn’t say anything, oblivious to her presence. “Little Anna would take a little more time before she could speak, but can you help her learn quickly?”

The little girl nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, papa, I will!”

He picked up the little bundle of snow. With the bright lights inside the room, she could point out the infant’s face, smiling at her father. He brought her over to the woman on the bed who took over the baby, rocking it back and forth. “She would need your help, Elsa. Not just with talking but with almost everything. I can’t ask you to just drop everything you are doing just for her, but she needs your help. Will you be a good older sister for her?”

The little girl didn’t answer right away but she approached her parents slowly. With a determined nod, she said, “Yes, mama.”

There was something in what the mama snow person said that immediately chipped through her heart. Elisa felt her knees buckle as she stumbled to the floor, fresh tears making way through her eyes, little droplets freezing as soon as it hit the air.

The dad placed a hand on her shoulder, smiling joyously. “As the big sister, you’ll have to protect her. Can you promise me that?”

Elisa didn’t hear what the little girl said as she heard blood rush to her ears, the torrent of tears freezing around her eyes making it sore. She grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled hard.

Her heart was screaming, it hurt so much. It felt like her heart was breaking. Elisa took a deep breath and her mouth opened to chide herself. “How dare you? _How dare you?!_ You sick, horrible bastard?”

She gasped, the agony on her chest only growing. “She’s your _sister_.”

That confession tore her apart and Elisa woke up with a frown.

 _What the hell was that?_ The blonde took the glass of water on her bedside table. She could feel the cold in her room.

Elisa was shivering so bad which was weird because the temperature on her phone read a high number. She shook it off, never having made sense of whatever she was feeling after these visions. The scene distorted behind her eyes, only leaving the blurred faces, the words spoken slowly deteriorating into gibberish.

Not the feeling, though. Her chest felt hollow, and she felt miserable. She shrugged it off, rubbing her hands together and snatching the towel on its hanger. Sad visions sucks.

She’d need a long, warm bath.

\--

The ceremony went by smoothly. The graduates threw their caps in the air, signalling their freedom from high school.

Her parents were talking to some people they knew, leaving Elisa searching through the crowds for her brother. She found him with his friends, laughing and whooping as they pushed through the sea of people.

“Elisa! I finally graduated!” He swept her in a big hug making her chuckle.

“You did! Congratulations, Chris,” she pulled back to look at his friends and smiled cheerfully. “And congrats to all of you!”

Cass gave her a strong pat on the back, steering them to the side-lines. “Thank you! And it’ll be your turn next year.”

Elisa scrunched her nose as her brother punched his best friend, a muscular guy named Bailey, sending him tumbling over her. “Hey! – I don’t know. I’ll kinda miss CHS, to be honest.”

“Once you experienced Weasly, you’d never say that again.”

Elisa saw their parents and waved them over, their cameras ready in their hands. “Don’t insult the Weasley’s by using that name, Cassandra!”

It was a happy day for her brother and their parents. Elisa was happy, too, but she’d miss her brother so much after everything’s done even if it’s just for a year.

Taking at least an hour by making Christian pose with his friends and themselves, the venue was almost deserted when their dad was finally content with the amount of pictures in his camera.

It’s probably full at this point, not that Elisa would be surprised. If she had this to look forward to next year, she’d packed snacks under her clothes.

They made their way to the car but when Elisa sat on the backseat, she saw Christian still a few feet away, standing with a woman in a formal green clothing.

Her brother had a look of disbelief in his face, mouth hanging open before he grabbed her in a hug. Giddily moving his hands about, his animation defined absolute elation.

Elisa looked at her dad. “Do you know that girl?”

“I was about to ask you that,” he replied, giving her an arched brow.

Her mom sniggered at their exchanged, putting away her sunglasses. “Maybe it’s his girlfriend.”

Christian had never told her about a girlfriend. Elisa frowned as she watched them talked. They seemed familiar with each other, their excessive touching and hugging telling an untold story.

After about thirty minutes with no signs of them stopping their conversation, her mom gave her the responsibility of stopping them, the catering service would be over sooner than later at their house.

Elisa didn’t want to leave the car to drag her brother in but she, too, was getting antsy. Rolling down the windows, she yelled for his attention. Putting her hands out, she made motions that could only mean ‘hurry up’.

The woman looked at her and gave her a hesitant smile. Elisa blinked at her before smiling back, switching back to her brother quickly. She made a huge emphasis on tapping a finger on her bare wrist but Christian only rolled his eyes at her.

That did the trick… after ten minutes. She turned back to watch the video on Facebook, fascinated with how the man on screen built a castle out of a cardboard.

When Christian took the seat next to hers, his happiness rolled around him in waves. She could feel how happy he was. Elisa just couldn’t decide if it was because of his graduation or the girl he was talking to.

Her eyes unconsciously went to the window and, subsequently, to the girl watching from afar. Christian opened the windows and waved bye. Much to her surprise, the guy grabbed her hand and waved it alongside his own.

Embarrassed, Elisa whipped her hand back with a squeak, slapping her laughing brother as they drove away.

\--

Elisa was on her third date with a beautiful woman. She had dark, almost brown red hair and dashing green eyes.

She never thought she’d date a girl, if she was being honest. Elisa didn’t fancy boys, but again, she didn’t fancy the same gender more than the opposite.

There was just something about this woman. Sipping on a Frappuccino as she watched Elisa, Hanna smiled coyly at her.

They met at the school library at Corona University. She roomed with her brother, of course, and she spent her days lounging on the said place because that area of the city was hotter than their suburban village.

Hanna charmingly went up to her, striking up a conversation about majors smoothly and whatnot, and by the end of their little chat, she scored Elisa’s number. Soon enough, she was asked in a date. Having nothing to lose, she said yes.

As Hanna giggled at her random quip about the white on her lips, she decided it was a good call.

“On a different topic, did you hear about the new exhibit at the museum?” the woman asked, taking a spoonful of her strawberry shortcake.

Elisa nodded. There was a viral post about it, making it to national news, but she was yet to see it. “The one with the frozen Royal Spectre that they said was burning hot?”

“That one! Man, I’d like to see that. There must be something supernatural going on in there.”

She shook her head, entertained at the wide-eyed girl. “It’s probably just a marketing ploy. I wouldn’t put my hopes up if I were you.”

Hanna scoffed, raising an eyebrow at her. “I bet when we go see it, I could prove to you that it’s not.”

“Already planning for our fourth date, aren’t we?” Elisa teased. Hanna confidently laughed.

“Shouldn’t I?” Rolling her eyes, the blonde conceded and the woman before her went on a tirade about her father having shares on the museum’s stocks. “I could probably sneak a word in and we’d get an exclusive look before anyone else.”

Elisa stared at her, mouth unhinging. “You won’t. You can’t.”

Hanna only chuckled at her and tapped on her phone. Minutes later, and a short confident conversation with someone, Hanna smirked at her. “You were saying?”

“You didn’t! You can’t just demand an exclusive look to a historical, possibly haunted wand.”

Hanna’s smirked only deepened. “I can’t believe I get you to say that there was something supernatural in it, Ms. Sceptic.”

“Hanna!” Elisa whispered, taking her hand in hers. “You can’t!”

The woman scoffed, swirled her frap, and smiled. “I already have.”

\--

“What were you thinking?!” She was crying, anger completing her features as she snarled the question. The woman stepped towards her, but Elisa avoided her eyes as she continued, “Did you think that I would be thankful? For what?”

She felt her mouth open, taking a chance to explain but a bitter scoff interrupted her. “Thankful that you pushed me away again when I wanted, no, _needed_ to be with you more than anywhere else in the world? That you didn’t listen when I practically begged you to take me with you? Oh, I know! I should be thankful because _you_ were trying to _protect_ me.”

“Yes!” Elisa yelled, the torturous pain in her heart elevating into a burn. “And I would do it all over again even if you hated me.”

“I don’t need your protection!” The woman got up to her face, sneering. At that moment, she looked like she was going to punch Elisa but to her credit, or the fact that she knew the woman would never hurt her, she met those eyes boldly. “You have to understand that I can make my own decisions, that I don’t need you looking after me like mother, that I can do just what you can. For fuck’s sake, I’m not a kid anymore.”

Elisa felt herself wavered, the tirade stabbing her like a hundred daggers. She looked down to the floor and uttered, “It’s not like that, Anna. I know you can do everything now, but… but I have to make sure that you’re safe. You don’t have powers like – “

“Powers like you, yeah,” The woman squeezed her eyes shut in disbelief. Elisa could feel the cold crept in her bones surely wrapping her inside in ice and she could hear the desperate voice pleading for it to stop inside her head. “ _Of course_ , it’s going to be _that_ again. You’re so powerful and strong and I’m just a weak girl to be coddled with, right?”

The spite was unrestrained in the woman’s voice and her eyes twinkled with frustration. Elisa wished she could answer, if only to explain something she had no idea about, but as the auburn-haired woman stepped backwards, her chance was quickly disappearing.

“I know you love me. I know it,” she declared, but it didn’t bring comfort to Elisa, just brought her fragile heart down to the floor, making it crack deliberately. “But I don’t need your help. I never needed your help. I mean, when you abdicated to do more _important_ things, I didn’t need help settling in as the new queen but I doubt you know that because you already left me _alone_. I was the second-in-line and I was taught the same things as you, after all. I was taught what to do since we were young. I never needed you.”

The way she said it, whatever those important things must be utterly useless, a wicked smirk enveloping her lips as she spitted those words out. Elisa felt her heart bleeding, but she didn’t dare say anything else. This was the woman’s deepest hurt and she would take it.

If the woman hated her, she deserved it.

The room was cold. It was like being submerged in freezing waters. Elisa couldn’t breathe. She gasped for air, the woman breaking out of her anger and looking at her curiously in concern.

The woman’s breath blew evidently thick. So it really was cold? Her breath was barely visible in front of her. Her lips quivered, pushing through the thorn on her throat, Elisa felt herself falter in pain. “I-I’m sorry.”

The last thing she saw was the widening of blue-green eyes as she jolted with a start, a loud cry coming out of her mouth. Her dad looked at her, alarmed by the sound. He dropped his laptop aside and approached her instantly.

“Elisa? Are you okay?” His worried expression grounded her to reality, the pain on her chest and the cold on her bones dissipating into a manageable ache.

Alas, she barely handled a nod before she lost consciousness. Her father shouted for help as he carried her to the car in panic.


	2. A Razor That Leads Your Soul To Bleed

**Chapter 2: A Razor That Leads Your Soul to Bleed**

Elisa stared at the ceiling uncomprehendingly for a few seconds before her mom approached her with a soft smile on her face. Sweeping her bangs aside, her mother whispered, “Are you alright, sweetie?”

Nodding, she looked around the room, the white walls and sterile smell confusing her. Her father came up next to her mom, Christian waving at her from the couch. “What happened?”

“You passed out. We were so worried we drove here.” Her dad squeezed her hand and she tightened her grip in his. “Christian literally floored it and we made it here in no less than twenty minutes.”

Elisa’s eyes widened. “What? Where are we?”

Corona General Hospital was an hour drive. He couldn’t possibly… yep, he could with that smirk on her brother’s face. She laughed weakly. “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re A-Okay, honey,” her mom supplied. “Everything’s well. Your dad bullied them into getting you an MRI and X-ray but they found nothing.”

Elisa chuckled. Sounds just like her dad.

Her father’s grin dropped, mock offense on his face. He raised both eyebrows and shook his head. Leaning closer, he said loudly, “And your mom bullied them into getting you an ECG.”

That… sounds like her mom. It didn’t matter, she shook her head faintly at them. “Did they run off hiding when they saw how scary you both are?”

“Not quite,” her mom laughed, making eye contact with her dad. “But they did treat us better when they saw how easily Andre pulled out his wallet.”

That seemed okay. When she woke up, her parents showed signs of calming down, the stress lines on their faces diminishing. When both of them walked out to get a cup of coffee, Christian sat next to her. “How you feelin’?”

“Like I just had the best nap ever,” Elisa joked. Christian laughed but it didn’t reach his eyes.

He took a deep breath and his brown eyes showed worry. “I got super scared back there. Dad said you just fainted out of nowhere while watching TV.”

Elisa’s lips twitched upwards. “I’m just tired. We’re home for only a day for thanksgiving but I’ve been having late nights. But thank you, Chris, for risking your unsullied reputation of being the best driver in the world just for my sake.”

That was an inside joke, but Christian didn’t look entertained, or convinced. He just stared at her sombrely, like there was something bugging his mind. “The doctor gave you the okay to go so we probably could go later today. You’ve been out for almost a day.”

Elisa looked at the window. It was bright. She recalled the setting sun by the window before the vision got to her.

“I mean, I’m happy that you’re fine but…” Christian hesitated before shutting his mouth abruptly.

Elisa swivelled her head back to him. “But what?”

Christian waited before the courage arrived and he opened his mouth. “You were fine but your skin…”

“My skin?” Elisa pressed patiently.

Her brother sighed, lost. “Your skin was freezing. As if you’ve just come in after a day in the snow.”

Elisa’s breath caught on her throat. That was terrifying, specially paired with the vision she had. Her eyes darted to her hands, wringing it. “I… it’s never happened before.”

Must it be an after effect of the vision? They were getting longer and the feelings that stayed with her were much clearer and harder to ignore. Until now, Elisa still felt like she was slapped with a hammer with the auburn-haired woman’s words.

“Maybe it’s your body’s way of waking you up?” Christian saw the worry on her eyes tripling as he tried to find an explanation. “You were sweating so maybe that’s that.”

“Yeah,” Elisa weakly agreed. “It’s probably that.”

Christian punched her lightly in the shoulder, smiling his trademarked grin. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be your Royal Knight and protect ya.”

His brown eyes were smiling too, his cheeks spreading widely. For a few moments, Elisa had a hard time determining what’s happening. She was seeing double, or maybe experiencing déjà vu, and suddenly, it was so hard to distinguish what she was seeing between cloudy visions and reality.

The blonde man wore a suit fitting a prince, he was knelt before her in a golden stool, the Queen standing next to Elisa.

There was another man, middle-aged, almost balding, and the formal way of his speaking sent multiple magnitudes of seriousness. It was a long speech, but Elisa just stared at the empty space between the blonde man’s bowed head and stiff shoulders.

“Will you, Kristoff Bjorgman, pledge to give your loyalty, your love and your life to the Kingdom of Arendelle and to its Crown?”

“Yes, I will,” he said loudly, solemn in his oath.

“Will you, Kristoff Bjorgman, pledge your fealty and complete devotion to Her Royal Majesty, Queen Anna the Second, the Unfrozen Hero of the New Age, the Holy Delegate of the Spirits, the Ruler of the realm and everything in it, and Her Highness, Princess Elsa, The Fifth Spirit herself?” 

That made a blinding smile broke into his face. With joy and an apparent heaviness in his voice, he answered, “Yes, I will.”

The man beside Elisa looked at her and bowed, stepping away. That must be the cue for her as Elisa addressed the kneeling man.

“Will you, Kristoff Bjorgman, swore with all you have and with the last seconds of your life to protect and serve Her Royal Majesty, Queen Anna the Second, that you will do everything in your power to preserve her sovereignty and to stand by and defend what Her Majesty’s heart most desires?”

Resolute eyes went up to her, the man’s burning gaze meeting her own. Elisa felt a small amount of relief tinkle in her chest. “I will, Your Highness.”

Elisa sent a smile to the auburn-haired woman and took over a fine sword embellished, maybe even made out of solid silver ice from her hand and presented it to the new Knight. “Take this gift and carry it with pride for your eternal responsibility of protecting the innocent, the weak, the young and old, and most importantly, the Crown.”

As he took it with a firm nod, Elisa raised her hands. The crowd of people before her stood silently. Elisa stepped aside and let the woman beside her touch the shoulders of the man with the side of a gaudy golden sword. “ _Sois chevalier, au nom de Dieu.”_

The auburn-haired woman smiled, Elisa could feel the happiness emanating from her, and addressed him ceremoniously. “I present to you, Sir Kristoff Bjorgman.”

Echoes struck the room, the mimicked words surfing through the crowds. The Queen nodded at him. “ _Avancez chevalier._ ”

With that, the man stood and the suffocating air of prominence slowly evaporated as the room was filled with music and the people began interacting with each other freely.

“Well, how about that?” The woman beside her giggled as her hand was taken to the man’s lips. “Sir Kristoff of Arendelle.”

“And soon to be Prince-Consort,” he winked, a smile spreading through his face.

Elisa laughed politely and shook his hand, stealing a glance at the auburn-haired woman. “Anna just became your number one priority. Good luck with that.”

She received a light swat at her arm, the Queen rolling her eyes at her. “You’re making it sound like that’s such a hard sport.”

Elisa raised an eyebrow and met the man’s amused gaze. “A year ago, when she was at the Yule Ball, she slid pass the guards and knocked over my Christmas tree outside the hall.”

“Pshh,” he muttered. “Two days ago, I woke up to hear Kai and Gerda screaming outside in the gardens. When I looked, she had a battalion of children scrambling around the castle grounds because she felt and I quote _lonely._ ”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s stop making fun of Anna minute and start congratulating the newly Knighted man hour.” She blew on her bangs and it fluttered smoothly.

The woman was wearing her hair loose today, something that made Elisa giddy, and the fondness on her eyes threatened to swallow the air around them. Of course, the blond man had the exact same aura, and Elisa could only chide the annoying songbird of jealousy in her chest screaming about how he could and would always show it.

“But Elsa,” the woman turned to her, a mischievous smile on her lips. “’Defend what my heart most desires?’ That’s so sappy!”

Elisa forced a laugh, the lovebirds waiting for her answer. “Seeing that the both of you will get married in two months, I think it’s very suiting.”

The man pursed his lips in thought. “Well, I don’t need a Knighting ceremony just to promise that. I’m going to do that even without anyone telling me to.”

That was true. Kristoff would. Elisa could feel the bird of jealousy start pecking at her chest. She had no right to feel the pain when it nipped through her muscles, but it was there. Throbbing, starting to fall apart on its own.

She had no right to feel angry when the two met in a sweet, chaste kiss. Had no right feeling sad when they drew into a small yet intimate conversation. Most of all, Elisa had no right to feel love conquering these ugly thoughts when it was a sick, unthinkable love.

“Don’t worry. I will be your Royal Knight and I will protect what Her Majesty’s heart most desires.” The man chuckled at the auburn-haired woman but stopped, looking at Elisa with furrowed brows. “You alright, Elsa?”

“Elisa!”

The blonde blinked and saw Christian looking at her intensely. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. She was in her bed, on the hospital, in the city of Corona. Her hand clutched the sheets beneath it. “Wh-what?”

“I asked you if you’re okay.” He cocked his head to the side. “You just blanked for a minute there.”

Elisa felt faint, like the room was too big or she was too small. Overwhelming headiness entered her brain but she smiled nonetheless. “Too much sleep in my head. I think I’m still dreaming.”

Christian nodded at her, opting to leave the topic alone but lastly, as he sat himself in the couch, he said. “You can tell me everything, Elisa. I swear I’ll understand.”

Elisa didn’t even know what was there to understand but she smiled gratefully. Chasing the images on her brain, the auburn-haired woman and the blond man’s face refused to clear, but the situation embossed itself on her memories.

\--

Her class was suspended because her professor was sick.

Elisa floated on cloud-nine as she walked the stairs to their apartment complex. Christian had a day off and he’s probably with some friends. That’s a positive in Elisa’s part.

She carried the finished plates on her bag, having done them in a hurry in the library with Hanna. The suspension bought her some time to polish it before submitting them and she swung the door to reveal a surprised Christian and a woman she felt like she’d seen before.

It clicked. It was the woman on his graduation! That deep copper hair was very reminiscent of the one she saw that day. Darting her eyes to the two, the woman looked like a deer in the headlights.

Awkwardness filled the three, the small space they were in aggravating the situation.

Suspicion flared through her. So they’ve been meeting secretly? Elisa sent Christian a knowing glance and held a hand out to the girl. “Hi.”

Her green eyes were sparkling even in the dim light as she shakily shook her hand. “Hi.”

“I can’t say I’ve heard about you but I think I already know,” Elisa winked. The woman blanched. “Elisa, by the way. Sister of this buffoon over here.”

The woman just stared at her dumbly before her brother coughed overdramatically. Springing to life, she stuttered, “Oh, yes, Elisa, of course, yeah. Pleasure to meet you… Elisa.”

Like a computer, she hung for a second before shaking her head embarrassedly. “I’m Jo.”

“Nice to meet you, Jo.” Elisa smiled at her. She seemed sweet, her grip strong and warm. “I would invite you back inside but the two of you appears to plan a little outdoor date so I’m just going pass quietly here….” She slithered through the gap between the two and smiled back through her shoulders. “See you again, Jo.”

She heard her name being whispered repeatedly with emphasis by the girl but she didn’t look back. Looks like her brother had so much to explain to his girlfriend.

She heard a boisterous laughter from Christian. Of course, he would have to explain to her, too.

\--

Hanna had her arms around her waist, grasping her gently. Elisa couldn’t help but giggle as she made a huge motion of entering the room. “After you.”

“Thank you,” she said modestly, walking ahead of her to the air-conditioned room of the museum’s ‘VIP Lounge’. Hanna could be really weird sometimes with her wordings.

The Royal Sceptre was at the middle of the room, caged in thin glass on a red cushion. There was a man welcoming them before it and Hanna steered her closer to the exhibit.

“Miss Hanna, Miss Elisa,” he started, gesturing to the encased object. “Meet the Royal Sceptre of Arendelle.”

“Arendelle?” she repeated, looking at it with a foreboding feeling poking her veins. “Like the Lost Arendelle?”

“It’s not really lost, though,” Hanna said. “I don’t know why they named that place that. It’s a twenty-hour boat ride from Corona, and a couple hours by plane. Surely it couldn’t be that lost.”

The man chuckled. “Yes, Miss Elisa, that Arendelle, and Miss Hanna, it was named that for a reason. The Lost Kingdom of Arendelle was found only twenty-five years ago and, for an old world we lived in, it was a surprise to see an uncharted territory, at least by the modern era.”

“It’s a kingdom?” Hanna asked incredulously as she locked eyes with Elisa. The man nodded.

The blonde looked at it, stepping closer to the case. “The archaeologists and historians who found it saw a land mass as big as Rhode Island, but only the city ruins – the one where the castle grounds stood – that are preserved almost uncannily was the one who made the news. But of course, it was inside Vora’s boundaries so that might be the reason why it’s unheard of.

“The neighbouring country used to be a recluse and was very selective of foreigners coming into their lands. When the President Slosberg signed an international agreement for tourism, that’s when they started joining the world. Few years later, scholars became curious about what’s in Vora’s lands and decades later, they unearthed this.”

The sceptre was hypnotising Elisa. She couldn’t tear her eyes off it. Hanna and the man’s chatter droned beside her but Elisa could feel it.

The fear and anguish of a broken heart. It called her as if an old friend, telling her to listen to its secrets.

And listen she did.

There was crying. Elisa was crying. Crying like it was the end of the world. In a way, it most likely was.

Wind howling loudly behind her, the storm, freezing everything in its harsh glory, crept in the mouth of the cave as she entered it. Armageddon was upon every single thing outside the dark cave, but even with the thumping on her chest that Elisa was certain was the beginning of a heart attack, she stayed on her path inside.

The ground was shaking, like there was an earthquake, but it was measured and timed, like steps in its rhythm. She lost her footing and slipped through the water on her feet.

She couldn’t stay still, however, and she brushed it off, picking herself up as quickly as she went down.

Putting a glowing hand up, Elisa couldn’t focus on the absurdity of the situation before her feet carried her away deeper into the cave.

She was sobbing, the tears still falling fresh on her blurry eyes, but she only had one thing on her mind.

Elisa swore she saw the water moved on her left and she instinctively turned her hand on it. It was instantaneous, turning into solid ice before her. She hurried, enclosed on her palms the sacrifice she chose.

The floor gave away beneath her toes and she only had half a second before she realised it. The ground was shifting, almost alive, and it devoured her body in a whim.

When Elisa opened her eyes, she met darkness. However, it was no ordinary darkness. It pulsed around her, dark energy swirling all about. She could feel herself wasting away, her very essence getting sucked through her middle, and she gasped loudly.

As soon as it started, it stopped. The darkness solidified before her, gathering into a humanoid form.

It didn’t speak, only held a hand out.

There was fear in her heart. Damn, her parents just had to love her whole-heartedly, did they? Loved her so much they made a pact with the worst element there was.

Darkness stood before her, waiting for a debt long overdue.

Her parents made sure that even if they never returned, she would be happy, she would be loved. They just never had the chance to know what its cost would be.

The thoughts on her head scared Elisa. It didn’t make sense. It never did. This moment screamed wrong at her ears. She wasn’t supposed to do this, but she must.

It’s the only way _she_ would be happy. Away from her, away from the person whose love was sick, and deranged, and was slowly corrupting her soul.

The price was her mortality, and she couldn’t stay anymore in a world where her own sister would gladly hurt anyone just to be with her.

It was not Anna. It never could be Anna. Sweet, sunshine on her lips, beauty beyond compare. That was Anna. Anna was the woman who would do the next right thing and only the next right thing, the one whose love could heal the world.

Not the girl she kissed on a moonlit night who promised only to love her, not the one who drew a sword to thrust at an ambassador’s chest.

It was all because she ruined her sister’s mind, her thoughts. She knew it would be too much. She never should’ve said it.

She never should have said she loved her.

“Take me, as you should have done a long time ago.” Her voice trembled, confidence never at its place. “And with my life and sovereignty over this world, take the darkness you engraved my sister with.”

Darkness didn’t know how to speak, but its shake of the head was unmistakeable. Elisa didn’t have the chance to ponder about its meaning when an intrusive, darkly leaded thought entered her brain.

_I haven’t done such thing._

Anger exploded out of her, the place steadily glazing with ice. “What do you mean?! You’re the only thing who could do that to her.”

Darkness was the only element in this world who had the ability to do it. Wasn’t it the consequence of her parents’ wish?

“My mother and father sold you my mortality for my happiness. That whatever I want I would get. I know it! Mother had written about it on her journal! Free my sister’s mind, and I will give you my kingdom.”

_Arendelle is no longer yours, but the current Queen’s. I won’t take your offer. I will only take your life for the deal wasn’t complete._

Elisa scowled deeply. “Wasn’t complete? What do you mean?”

_They exchanged your joy with the energy in your soul and I would have taken it for you are the Goddess of life, but they didn’t give me the sacrifice I needed. That’s why I will take your life instead._

Darkness was cunning. Surely this must be a trick, to cheat her on a decision she was able to take.

_Darkness is brutal, but I can never lie. Blunt as it may, there are sins way beyond my reach._

Elisa’s eyes darkened, spots dancing on her vision. It was not her life they had bid Darkness with but her powers? The form of Darkness approached her but she had collapsed to the floor in her pain.

_But I still know that the essence of a God is the hardest thing to find. I will finish the deal with the Holy object in your hand. In exchange, your command over the elements itself._

“W-what do you mean?” It was getting harder to breathe. Elisa was certain she was choking from the lack of oxygen in her brain. “What about A-Anna?”

_You only have one chance to answer and I will tell you the truth you are too blind to see._

Elisa threw the sceptre towards Darkness and it engulfed it at once. Elisa was dying. She really was dying. Her hand was freezing over and it crystallises into the air like dust.

She looked at Darkness in helplessness.

_Darkness has no control over love. It never had, never will. You have been overcome with doubt and fear, your greatest enemies, and you failed to recognise the power growing in your sister. The gift your mother was blessed with is ancient and bright. You had been given the most of it._

Most… of it? That didn’t make sense at all! Elisa didn’t have the chance to answer that, couldn’t think straight. She snarled at the form before her, “You said you’d only take my powers!”

Elisa, for the first time ever, wanted the vision to end. She was slowly panicking and she just wanted to get out of this moment right now.

At the swirl of dark matter around her, it almost looked like it was laughing malevolently.

 _Your Highness, you **are** made of power. _

Elisa gasped, loud. Sweat glittered her skin and she tried to get as much of the sweet air she was getting. Her eyes came to focus on green eyes staring at her in confusion.

Her vision still burned dark along the edges as the man forced a bottle to her face.

They were no longer on the exhibit room. Elisa was laid on a sofa, a woman fanning her. Hanna touched her face, concern filling her words. “Are you okay?”

Her tongue was slack, unmoving, and she felt numb. Her whole body protested when she moved. Elisa forced herself to nod.

That vision, that sequence, it came too fast. Her mind was not ready for it. There were too many missing pieces and she couldn’t grasp what it was all about. She was not supposed to see it yet. It was the catharsis and, at the same time, the end.

Elisa was simply not ready. Her mind tried to bury the moment in smoke but it was sticking through her consciousness like super glue.

For once, Elisa fought her own head, trying to fight for the memories. She grabbed one name, but before she could process the word, it was pulled away from her violently. What happened to her? There was only darkness in that vision and Elisa whimpered as a hard, strong bolt of pain threatened to split her brain in half.

Elisa needed to let go of it but it was too important to forget. It was tearing through her head, nerves stinging severely. She had to let go now.

Now!

The perfect red drop from her nose stained her shirt. Elisa heard shouting from around her.

It hurt so much.

As Elisa fought to stay awake, she saw a glimmer behind her eyelids. In her drowsy state, it almost looked like lightning.

\--

She was on bedrest until Christian says so.

Her parents had visited her, barging into the emergency room like chickens without their heads. Like the last time, the doctors found no apparent reason why she fainted. They let her go home after a day.

Her mom refused to leave her side for three days, citing some ‘unforeseen incident’ to be fended off. Her dad only added fuel to the fire, bringing up a nurse to look after her 24/7.

Elisa wasn’t thrilled and was ecstatic when they finally went back home. That meant they left Christian in charge.

Exhaustedly agreeing with their rules, they made the University let her take a two-week break from school which was unnecessary because there were only three days left before the academic calendar ends.

Leave her parents to be extra and they would. Elisa rolled her eyes as she scrolled through Netflix.

She heard whispering. Elisa had been ignoring Christian and Jo who was sitting at the dining table for hours now. It didn’t help that they were obviously talking about something regarding her because every time she steals a glance, they were looking at her.

She was supposed to be uncomfortable, disgruntled at most with the attention. For the past week, Jo had basically moved in with them without actually having a conversation with her.

Figuring Christian asked for her help babysitting, she said nothing of it. It’s not like Jo refused to talk to her, it’s just that Elisa couldn’t look at her too long before her mind blanking.

It was not good. Developing an… attraction when a.) she had a girlfriend and b.) Jo was her brother’s was not good.

It’s probably not a crush. There was just something in the woman that pulled at her, like her magnetic field was too strong or something. Maybe Elisa just wants to be her friend?

Jo seemed to be a nice woman. Christian refused to spill about his girlfriend but Elisa was sure he had shared his entire life, and most likely hers, too, to the girl.

Actually, she thought that Christian was sharing way too much about her. How else would she know about Elisa’s habit of drinking milk every night?

Jo knocked on her room last night after she quickly scampered to leave the lovebirds alone. They look perfect for each other and Elisa didn’t want to be a bigger bother to the two of them. The woman held a glass of milk, the blonde warily taking it, and engaging her in a light conversation before she was hit with a thought.

“Did Chris ask you to give me this?” She was bound to be ashamed. Elisa was a grown adult and her inability to sleep without the drink was just plain embarrassing.

Jo chuckled at her but shook her head. “No. He’s fast asleep in his room.”

The mirth on her eyes told Elisa she knew about her milk-condition and she glowed red before thanking the woman and shutting the door swiftly.

Elisa rolled her eyes once again. At least let her out of the damned apartment for just a few hours, for crying out loud! She missed Hanna, their conversations stuck through the phone. She offered to come visit her but something deep in her told Elisa it was a bad idea.

Taking a peek with the couple on her peripheral, they seemed content just chatting with each other with her as their television. She sighed haggardly, “If you want to take over Netflix, I can go.”

They looked at each other with a smile, sharing an inside joke. Jo shook her head. “Nah, we’re good.”

Elisa huffed but didn’t say anything else. Summer break couldn’t come fast enough.

She had to think or do something. This stagnation she was in was slowly becoming bad for her.

The vision she had was terrifying, but she couldn’t remember what it was. It was the only one she struggled to remember, the simple act of recalling it making her head ache.

One thing she knew was it was important. And way complicated for her simple mind.

There was a story within these visions but Elisa didn’t have all the puzzle pieces to figure out the picture.

If that vision was a door, she was lacking the key to enter through it. But she felt like even then when she managed to find the key, Elisa would still be too weak to handle it alone.

Her heart ached, missing two beats at a time. A voice told her it would be an important process – one she couldn’t run away from. It warned her to prepare, to ready her mind.

In a deeper depth, her fears were starting to nibble at her wavering faith. The room was dark, it only made her feel weaker, like an invisible monster taunting her.

Suddenly, the stakes were in too much risk, and Elisa wondered if it would be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone's being safe and calm xx


	3. An Endless Aching Need

**Chapter 3: An Endless Aching Need**

Another gross teasing from Gaston and Elisa would finally give him the screaming match he deserved.

Hanna wasn’t paying much attention to him, or Elisa for that matter. She was just laughing with her sister on the far end of the couch. Gaston was her friend, after all. She was most likely used to him, if not sharing the same sense of humour.

Elisa wanted to believe the former.

“So what do you do, Elisa?” Ralph asked her, almost yelling through the ear-splitting music. He handed her a red cup and she stared at it blankly, feeling her head spin already after the second cup.

Elisa did go to a few parties when she was in high school. It was not something she thoroughly enjoyed but when Hanna asked her to join the frat party at her house, she couldn’t say no to the puppy eyes she gave her.

Drinking made her feel like she was burning. At this moment, nothing could be more spot-on. She rolled her shoulders in hopes of relieving the heat in her body.

Elisa answered him but he asked loudly her to repeat her question. “I’m a student. Civil engineering. First year.”

He nodded at her with a smile and was about to reply when Gaston tittered again. “I heard some pretty things about the girls in CE.”

Elise knew it couldn’t be nice but with the alcohol in her brain, she asked stupidly, “Like what?”

“They’re good at BJs.” His friends laughed as she stared at him. That was just plain nonsense. Gaston winked at her. She tried not to flip him the bird and stood up in case she couldn’t stop her fingers. Excusing herself from Ralph, she trotted to the crowded hall.

Hanna was still deep in conversation with her sister and Elisa left her alone. They looked like they were catching up big time, anyways, and she’d hate to rain on their parade.

Elisa was finally experiencing the consequences of drinking with an empty stomach as the room swirled at the edges. Tripping on her feet, she trudged to the door, needing some fresh air in her lungs and something to cool her overheating body.

The booze was starting to make her feel light and she felt as if she was walking on air. Rubbing her eyes, she opened the door and was surprised to see an empty room instead of the great outside.

Did she got lost? Elisa looked around the room, the soft linen bed calling to her.

Yawning, she swirled her hand before her and the heat was slightly tempered with a cool breeze. There was white for a second and… wait… was that sprinkles of snow?

Elisa didn’t care, used to it. She had no problem with the cold but she was very, very sensitive to heat. She decided that being a little cool was better than burning hot.

The heat was especially strong in her belly, her lower-half starting to gain her attention. She laid on the bed, not going under the covers. Elisa was already so warm and adding more heat won’t help her.

Her mind waddled on what she experienced earlier. Images of the auburn-haired woman flashed before her eyes. There was a subtle yet firm urgency when she touched Elisa. It was strong, the way she gripped her arm and waist. In a way, it was almost like she was preparing her for something more, massaging Elisa in a way that stimulated her effortlessly, stoking the crackling embers into a fire.

Elisa felt the need to touch her, and when the thought struck her dead in her tracks with guilt, she changed her mind, only wishing to hold her.

But the thought was already registered on her body. She was soaking through her clothes, the dampness growing by each passing seconds.

Her core ached, desperate for a release, but Elisa wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ taint the image of the woman. She was screwed in the head, but she wouldn’t let the sin infect her body, too.

That was easier said than done as even the little friction she accidentally made by turning to her side made her gasp in desperation. Frustrated beyond belief, Elisa sat up and her hand was quickly filled with a considerable amount of snow.

Pressing her face in it, she wished that it was enough to distract her from her physical misery.

There was a knock in the door and it opened without her assent, the green-clad woman barging in smoothly.

“Hey,” she said, inching closer to where Elisa was. The blonde felt her lips spread into an uncomfortable smile. “Did I do something wrong?”

“What do you mean?” Elisa asked, afraid that her sudden excuse of having too much to drink had upset the girl.

That was the case, unfortunately. She jumped on the space next to hers and the movement provoked a sweet, wicked jolt to her centre. Startled, and a tiny bit uneasy with the woman’s presence, Elisa shifted further away from her, hoping all the while it wouldn’t be notice.

The woman frowned, closing the distance, and frowned. “What I meant was you just left quite suddenly. Did I upset you?”

Elisa chuckled politely, shaking her head to dispel the growing worry on the girl’s face. “No, of course not, Anna. I was just… becoming a little too tipsy for my liking.”

“Really?” She thumbed through Elisa’s hair, smiling in relief. “I thought you were mad or something.”

Elisa leaned into the touch, but as the woman’s hand travelled through her cheek down to her shoulder and squeezed the exposed skin just below her neck, she jumped away from her touch.

The frown on her face returned intensely, puzzled. “Elsa?”

She felt her mouth open and closed, trying to make words come out of it but it flapped uselessly. Her mind was wandering to dangerous waters and Elisa needed to stop.

Backing away to the door, she gave the confused girl one last apologetic look and twisted the handle, stepping outside to… the pool?

Elisa almost tripped at the steps but managed to catch herself at the last second. She stared at the bright lights under the blue waters and let out a sullen breath. She was still at the party. The people around didn’t spare her a glance. It couldn’t be more than a second after she opened the backdoor.

That was a very… affecting vision. Her head swum as she sat one of the steps of the porch and palmed her head. Elisa could still feel the slickness between her thighs, rolling down her skin and saturating her underwear.

If this was one of the missing pieces of a cryptic puzzle, Elisa tried to lose it once more, downing the alcohol in one big gulp.

\--

Christian woke her up by throwing a hefty pamphlet on her face. Elisa refused to open her eyes, though, pulling the covers over her head and grumbling nonsense.

Her brother sighed theatrically and tugged her blanket off. “Elisa!”

She didn’t speak or move, closing her eyes more tightly as her protection against the morning sun was captured. Elisa had the first chance to a full sleeping in since volunteering to help at the library for two weeks and she wouldn’t let her peasant of a brother bother her.

“Elisa,” he yelled, tapping her in the cheeks. “Elisa. Elisa. Elisa.”

“Will you fuck off?” she groaned, slapping his hand away and glaring at him with sleepy eyes. “It’s too early for you to annoy me.”

“I’m not here to annoy you.”

Elisa regarded his smirk with an unamused sound. Rolling her eyes and grinding her teeth, she spat, “You’re here to do what?”

Christian picked up the colourful pamphlet that served as her wake-up call. Elisa looked at him indifferently. He smiled widely and waved it. “Pack your bags. We’re going on a holiday.”

Elisa closed her eyes and buried her face in the pillows, muttering, “Can’t. I have three more volunteer work this week.”

“That’s alright,” Christian said, nodding his assent. “We’ll leave when you’re done.”

She gave him a stink eye. “Where are we going that you’re so desperate to tag me along?”

“Arendelle.”

Elisa’s ears perked up, the familiar word effectively waking her drowsy brain. “Wait… what?”

He only smirked, dropping the pamphlet on her hand conveniently. Elisa picked it, reading the gallant words written on the leaf.

“A journey to the Lost Kingdom by the Nicolai Organisation to welcome International connections and associates.” Elisa flipped the cover, eyebrows shooting up. “Discover the unknown? What the hell is this?”

“It’s exactly as you read, thimble brain,” Christian taunted. Elisa ignored him and swept through the pages.

“It’s a tour exclusively for the International media and researchers. How the hell did you get this?”

He scoffed, enjoying the confused look on her face. “I was invited.”

Elisa raised an eyebrow, not believing him a bit. “To an exclusive tour to a place never been seen by the public before?”

“Was that so hard to believe?”

“You’re an Art student, Chris,” Elisa deadpanned. “It would make more sense if you study History or Archaeology which you’re not.”

“You’re a fish,” he stuck his tongue out. “I am invited, and you are by proxy.”

“Who the hell invited you?”

Christian smiled. “It’s a secret.”

Elisa stared at him dumbly.

“What?”

Christian must be pulling her leg, but he had no reason to. She looked at the image on the pages. The castle on the pictures was old, probably hundreds of years old, but it looked well-kept. There was no apparent damage to the structure but she could see why it was like so, finding it easy to believe that they were trying to market the place to the public.

The place was familiar but these were never before seen pictures. Not like she was searching through the ‘net for it, the incident in the museum traumatising her from ever looking up the spectre and everything involving it.

Elisa looked through the courtyard and was waiting for something to click. Nothing did, but as she stared at the pictures of the old-fashioned castle, she couldn’t tear her eyes away. It seemed to come alive and she could see herself in it, walking its halls and out it’s cobblestone path.

Elisa could feel something deep being pulled from her but as Christian snatched the pamphlet away, she returned grudgingly to the present.

“Just pack your bags and I’ll handle the rest. Tell me when we can go, okay?”

He must be planning something by the twinkle in his eyes. Elisa pursed her lips before nodding, feeling the appeal start to dawn on her. “Alright.”

“It would be cool. You could make a paper for your Engineering classes or something.”

Elisa rolled her eyes, grabbing the blanket on her waist and hiding underneath. “I’m already going. You don’t have to persuade me anymore.”

\--

There was a funny feeling in her chest which was ironic because it felt as serious and profound as possible.

It gnawed on her chest, dissolving it in an acid of stewing emotions that Elisa was so dumbfounded about. It started with the vision from the frat house a few weeks ago and soon, there was a surge of unwanted sequences that made her _feel_.

Her visions, dreams while she was far from being asleep, had always made her feel according to the situation, but not quite as strong as these past few days. It burned her skin and the muscles underneath.

She was under the influence of lack of sleep and coffee when the latest one appeared. She felt as tired as humanly possible, even sickly, but the vision took her away.

Elisa could recall it vividly. Tender hands massaging her own as a soft lullaby sung her to sleep. It was such a simple scene but it was so, very strong. Touching her heart, touching her very soul, and Elisa could feel the story unfolding.

However, something was still lost and she was slowly getting restless, looking for it everywhere. Somehow the colour of the curtains, a stranger’s laughter, and the darkness as she was trying to fall asleep wanted to make sense to her. Her heart was yearning for something and the thread that would bind her crazy hallucinations together hadn’t appeared. Elisa wondered if it ever would.

As Hanna kissed her nape and fingered through her hair, the need was becoming urgent. She figured the boiling in her stomach was lust and, as conservative as she was, Elisa was only human and the response was only natural.

That was what she kept telling herself. The woman pushed her down the bed, the fire not getting pacified whatsoever. Hanna fumbled with the buttons on her blouse but she was getting overwhelmed.

The heat on her skin was almost too hot and as they settled into an embrace. Elisa couldn’t help but feel the need morph into something else.

Suddenly, it was not simply a need but an obligation. Elisa tried to lose herself on Hanna’s deft touches but it was futile. Her mind was elsewhere, chasing the thought down on all fours like an animal.

The sensual hands kneading her skin was growing harder to endure. Wasn’t her response for the heated moment they were in? It proved different as seconds pass.

Elisa was getting conquered in an inferno and every organ in her body was shaking. The swell of passion that hit her made her gasp.

Her eyes were wet as she searched the face of the woman before her. Hanna looked dishevelled, working hard for a prize she wanted but it was not Elisa’s heart wanted to see. Cupping a hand to her breast, Hanna moaned but the blonde couldn’t feel enjoyment coming to her even if she closed her eyes.

It was not what she wanted.

Elisa explored the green eyes in front of her and relaxed for a little bit. It was most likely nerves, just that – it was her first time, after all – but when the light passing outside illuminated the room and flashed through her girlfriend’s eyes, she was doused with cold water. It didn’t feel right. It never was right.

She looked for the inkling of blue on it, the earnest, loving spark that never missed to make her feel warm. It was not the right pair of eyes, not the right person.

It was not who she wanted.

_It was not An–_

She gasped. Pushing Hanna away with heavy hands, the woman looked at her disbelievingly. She tried to lean once again to Elisa but she used all her strength to pull away, standing up abruptly.

“What?” Hanna demanded, frustration creeping in her features.

Elisa shook her head and combed through her hair anxiously. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I… I don’t think… I’m not yet ready.”

Expecting understanding words to comfort her like they should, Elisa heard a harsh scoff. “Seriously?”

She looked over the woman, half-dressed but the anger on her eyes unmistakeable. Hanna shook her head. “Are you fucking serious?”

Elisa stared at her, hurt by the exclamation. “Hanna?”

“We’ve been together for almost three months now and you’re ‘not yet ready’?” That was not Elisa was expecting to hear. Hanna was caring and nice, right? Why was she…

“I did all you want!” She shrieked, face contorting into the ugliest one Elisa had yet to see. “I took you out on dates. Fuck, I even asked my dad to let us see that damned stupid baton against his supervisor’s wishes and _you’re not ready yet_?”

Elisa was stunned with her reaction. It was unexpected, yeah, since she readily followed the woman upstairs into her room but that was uncalled for. She opened her mouth to explain. Explain that somehow she belonged to someone she didn’t know as ridiculous as it might sound, but Hanna waved her off.

“You know what? We’re done. I should’ve known better than to take in a frigid bitch. Good luck with your pathetic life, cunt.”

Hanna stormed off, out of her own room, and Elisa was too shocked to even process what just happened.

\--

They were flying first-class on a plane but Elisa had an eternal glum on her eyes.

It had been days since she last saw Hanna who had been a complete bitch. They were over, as what the girl’s blocking in every social media sites indicated. She couldn’t contact her in any way.

Good riddance, she thought. Elisa couldn’t believe she dated such a jerk and was actually thankful that she saw it before she got in too deep. She’d take her intact dignity and walk away peacefully.

But Elisa was still completely, absolutely pissed off. Okay, maybe not that pissed off, but she was as irritated as a hormonal mother having her first child in weeks.

It was that damned visions. It wouldn’t leave her alone. Back then, it takes at least days, even weeks before annoying her again but this… every day for the last week?

That was a bit too much.

It was rotting her brain like bad TV, taking each and every piece of her working mind. It wasn’t even full visions, just wayward feelings attacking her out of the blue and Elisa was so confused, so tired, God please give her a break.

She was still looking for something. Somehow, she found a clue in Christian’s face and was glaring holes in his right cheek. When her brother caught her, he uttered an amused ‘what?’ but she didn’t say anything to answer him.

“You excited?” Christian nudged her shoulder. He was in the window seat and was having the best day of his life. Elisa could feel the entire opposite.

This was a bad idea.

“No.”

Her emotions were all over the place. One moment she was over the moon and the next she was boiling in anger. Then there were times where she felt sick to her stomach and times where she felt so sad, she couldn’t help but cry.

She was going crazy. That was the explanation. No normal person could see flashes like this and Elisa could see her future. In some secluded room in a mental facility somewhere in Corona.

“Don’t be a downer now, Ice Queen,” he smirked, entertained by a joke only he knows. “Enjoy the holiday.”

Elisa rolled her eyes so hard she saw her brain receding into a nut. “Whatever. Where are we going to stay anyway?”

“There’s an inn, of some sorts.” He looked at her, uninterested. “You’ve been PMSing for days, what’s wrong?” 

Elisa let out a sigh, calming herself. Explaining to him that heart felt like breaking in two for something she didn’t even know was a lost cause. She took her hankie to her face and leaned back. “Nothing. I’m going to sleep.”

“Great,” Christian said, surprisingly without sarcasm. “You will need the energy when you wake up.”

“What for?” Elisa had no plans on exploring Arendelle, though, and she chuckled when he didn’t answer. “Alrighty, whatever you say.”

“I just think you’ll need every bit of rest you can have. If you don’t, you might not find what you’re looking for.”

Elisa swiftly sat straight but when she turned to Christian, his face was already on the window, marvelling over the blank ocean. His words made her feel that he somehow knew, but she was deluding herself over something insignificant.

\--

If she had known she’d be the third wheel on Christian and Jo’s date, she would have just jumped when they took off the airport.

Elisa was paying too much attention to the old, should’ve been ruined houses around her to care too much now. When they said the place was preserved, they did mean frozen in time. The outdated materials of the buildings were apparent, but it looked like time didn’t make a dent on it.

They stopped at the centre of the small town, the old clock tower on their east and the mysterious stone castle on her west. The place was littered with the kingdom’s banner, a crocus of some sorts. Elisa could see that it was newly made.

There were a hundred people at most in the trip and Elisa wondered how on earth they had snagged a place in this event.

Her mental state was over the edge, like she was experiencing the worst case of déjà vu. There was no other way to put it. She’s been here before but that was definitely not true.

Christian and Jo were somewhere on her right, chatting inconspicuously with each other. Elisa felt her eyes stuck to Jo, so pretty in her beige jacket and black jeans, and without warning, she was feeling faint.

Jo’s eyes met hers and her world stopped, smoke fogging her vision. She swivelled her head so fast she might have experienced whiplash. Her ear rang and she blinked at the woman in front of her with heels so high she was a foot taller.

Taking a step forward, her knees buckled and soon, there were people fussing over her. Her eyes were cloudy, and the moment passed in a blur. Elisa could feel her psyche wander around the place, lost, longing towards something, before returning full force in a whim.

She heaved up dry air, doubling over. Christian secured her arm, patting her as he sat her down once they got inside the place. The cobble stones on the floor made her blank out.

Once she relaxed and the acid on her stomach settled, Elisa looked around and to her surprise, they were inside the castle grounds, right outside of the magnificent building on a tent with the medical team.

She inquiringly looked at Jo, figured it was a bad idea as her mind started swirling once more, and closed her eyes tightly. Christian gave her a pack of ice, the paramedic concluding she was overheating from the sun. Elisa thought it was stupid. Arendelle was colder than Corona or anywhere she had been in summer.

When they checked her vitals and said it was most likely just fatigue, there was a man, tall with dark greying hair in a fancy suit directing them towards the castle.

Elisa was confused, but she figured Jo knew what she was doing as she shooed them along. Once they were inside the walls of the building, he left them with a polite yet genuine smile.

She coughed, effectively drawing the eyes of her two companions. She was merely in need of a drink but Christian, knowing her more than anything, met Jo’s gaze and strode off to find her a bottle of water.

Realisation dawned on her a little too late, as the presence of the woman holding her arm crashed into her.

“I… wait!” She called after Christian, panic steadily growing strong in her chest. Jo only watched her silently, entertained, and that useless brother of hers _ignored_ her when he definitely heard her since he’s only a few steps away.

_No, don’t leave me alone with…_

“You okay?” was the mirthful question. Elisa looked at her for a second max before turning away, smile wavering on her face.

“Yeah, yeah,” she said weakly. “I’m good.”

“How do you feel about going back?”

Elisa chuckled lowly, shaking her head. “We’re not even a full day here. I don’t think Christian would let me.”

Jo laughed. The blonde kept her eyes to the floor but it didn’t seem that avoiding the woman’s eyes was an antidote to her poor condition. If only, the silence magnified the hurtling waves into her head even more.

When did Jo made her feel so weird? She was fine, even exchanged a few words with the girl, but now her instincts were telling her to run. Something was inevitably magnetising her to look up, to meet those eyes, but Elisa felt like there was a force contradicting that attraction.

“You want to move somewhere brighter? It might help you clear your head,” Jo suggested. She wasn’t given a chance to answer as the woman basically pulled her to a particularly bright and breezy hall.

Thankfully, Jo’s phone went off and as the girl quietly muttered a profanity, she excused herself to answer the call.

Elisa breathed a sigh of relief. The woman rounded the corner, her auburn hair bouncing behind her. She couldn’t help but smile, letting her feet wander to the entrance of the courtyard.

It was beautiful, filled with untamed plants that made the place look wild and numerous flowers which soften the greens on the area. There was an overgrown tree, roots already pulling out of the concrete on the far side of it. She stepped closer, wanting to take a closer look and see just how old it was.

Its thick body almost sounded like it was rumbling, leaves dancing in the breeze. Elisa touched it hesitantly but couldn’t help but feel a sigh of relief leave her mouth. There seemed to be something reaching out to her, soothing her soul.

It efficiently drew out her worries, her pain, and it was only replaced with a sense of belonging. Elisa smiled.

“Excuse me?” She turned, an old woman with a lanyard on her neck holding a huge ‘STAFF’ ID greeting her.

“Yes?”

The woman stalked closer, lips forming a thin line. “Ma’am, this area is off-limits. I would have to ask you to leave.”

She figured that part out. Apologising, Elisa nodded her head and spun to leave when the woman asked, phone on her hand and an accusing look on her face, “Are you part of the CBC News?”

“Uh, no,” she replied. Elisa jutted a thumb out. “I’m just going to leave.”

“Are you part of UK Associations?” she added with a stern look. “Which group are you in, Ms…?”

“Lighthorne. Elisa Lighthorne.” Nervous with the questioning –she didn’t know what to say, didn’t even read the pamphlet – and she stuttered her words out. “I, uh, I’m just going to leave.”

“Who let you in here?” She was not amused. Elisa gulped.

“Uhm, there was a man–”

“What’s his name?”

Shit. She didn’t know his name. “Uhm, I don’t know.”

“Sure, you don’t,” the woman remarked with a knowing smirk. “He probably doesn’t exist. Are you a guest of someone?”

Elisa was confused but nodded. The woman smiled emotionlessly. “Who?”

“I, uh, Christian Lighthorne?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.” She stared at Elisa with dead eyes.

“And… Jo?”

“Jo, who?”

She didn’t know what Jo’s last name was. 

“Jo Lukas? Jonathan Anderson? Josephine Smith? Jolene Waterson? You have to be specific. Who was this and where are they?” She bombarded, trying to catch Elisa on her tracks.

She didn’t even know her full name.

Elisa bit her lip anxiously, brushing the stray lock on her face. “Uhm, maybe Jo–”

“Joanna Nicolai, ma’am. Jude Nicolai’s representative and Chief Supervisor of Recover Arendelle ‘18.”

Elisa let out the breath she was holding. The woman’s eyes widened and shock appeared on her face before the redhead whispered something in her ears and she scurried away without a word.

Joanna, huh?

As Elisa watched her turn, smile lighting up her freckled face and an unmissable happiness swimming in her eyes. The blonde furrowed her brows. Her eyes were so beautiful. Elisa missed it so many times but now, under the brightness of the day, the blue tint on it was visible.

Joanna.

Joanna pouting and wiping the sweat on her face as they passed the stables. Joanna, face flushed in anger from across the room. Joanna watching her sweetly over the Count’s shoulder as they talked about tariffs. Joanna, hand held out to stop a sword, frozen.

Joanna, forehead resting on her own, swaying in an embrace in the silent, bright room, tears of sorrow on her face yet still bravely smiling as Elisa faded, succumbing into nothing.

Joanna.

Joanna.

“ _Anna_ ,” Elisa whispered brokenly. The sound that came from Joanna’s throat was akin to a sob, the joy radiating from her.

Elisa didn’t have enough time to think about everything that was flooding her at once. However, she was still euphoric even if some blanks were left unfilled, the obvious going over her head.

It was everything she needed and everything that her soul had forgotten. Elisa blinked her eyes furiously, expecting the ground to give out and for darkness to come swallow her whole.

It wouldn’t. Never again.

“I…” Elisa stared at her, thousands of questions and millions of unsaid confessions swamping her mind. In the end, at the very seed of it, pass Elsa and Anna and Arendelle, was Elisa Lighthorne, standing in front of the girl who was the key to everything unknown. “I’ve met you once.”

An earnest smile. “You loved me, too.”

Oh.

_Oh._

So that was it? Love? Elisa wanted to smack herself. Of course, it was love! What else could it be?

It was always the answer and would always be, the one not even darkness could touch. _Love._

It was always love.

Elisa smiled uncertainly. Joanna knew? How much did she knew, for how long?

Joanna’s bright grin didn’t shrink in the slightest, promising everything to her once more. Just like the first time Anna told Elsa she loved her, underneath this very tree, as they come together in a bittersweet kiss.

It looked like Joanna was thinking about that, too. She held out a hand and Elisa entwined their fingers together.

It was warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fear not, this is not the end! We'll have Joanna's side of the story next chap. Hope everyone's safe and happy xx


	4. When The Night Has Been Too Lonely

**Chapter 4: When The Night Has Been Too Lonely**

Her therapist said that she was a precocious little girl. Troubled, yes, but that maturity was uncanny even if compared to the most intellectual five-year old.

The frown on her father’s face was transforming it into someone much, much older, but she couldn’t pay him the necessary attention he needed. They had been in a similar place like this before and nothing had helped.

No amount of medications would make these delusions go away. She sat crossed-legged beside him, her focus elsewhere.

Probably with Kristoff, looking for that precious _someone_ with the Royal soldiers in a dark, wintry wasteland.

“I had never seen a case like this, Mr. Nicolai,” she said, eyes looking over the bored child before her. “Joanna exhibits behaviour fitting a teenager triple her age. And these images she’s seeing… it would make more sense if her mental state is in a much worse condition, but she’s rational, sane.”

Her father was silently mulling the words, turning to his red-haired daughter in concern. “You are the fifth psychotherapist we’ve been in. They all said the same thing. Her last doctor diagnosed her with early-onset schizophrenia and the other one said it was psychosis. What do you think is going on?”

“It’s hard to say, Mr Nicolai. Your daughter is very young and there are multiple of treatments that can help but I refuse to use it because of her age. We have to run more tests, wait more time before we could safely conclude what’s going on with her.”

Joanna had successfully removed herself from the conversation. Her physical body was still there in the room, but she was completely disassociated, waiting for the cold to hit her skin.

She needed to find someone so desperately and was calculating every move, every way to do that.

It didn’t take too long to feel the freezing air around her, breath clouding the space before her head. Kristoff was right beside her, riding his gallant white horse, clothes displaying his position among the people around them.

Joanna wasn’t soothed by the small smile he gave her, heavy heart sinking deeper every second they didn’t find the missing person.

“Don’t worry, Anna,” he said as he adjusted in his saddle, sad yet confident eyes aimed at her. “We’ll find her.”

She was Anna, Queen of Arendelle, but as her group of twenty men trudged upon harsher and harsher terrain, all she felt like was a scared, broken girl.

“We have to,” the Prince-Consort said loudly. She nodded at him, looking at the abyss of darkness before them.

They would. Whatever it takes. She wouldn’t let that person go, and even if that promise had been broken way too many times, Anna would always try to keep it.

Lieutenant Matthias halted the advance of the group with a yell. She steered her horse closer to him and her heart stopped.

It was the Earth Giants, all a-hundred-and-five of them. They were far enough that their steps were not felt on horseback but she could see their faint silhouettes lethargically moving further.

The valley stretched on for kilometres but a small glimmer of hope burned in her chest. They knew where the person was. It was the only reason why they were here and not in the forest. To follow the person, to stop them.

She swallowed the lump on her throat and without a warning, she urged her horse to move faster, soon galloping full speed towards them.

“Joanna,” the voice of her father slowly catching her attention and dispelling the sudden episode. “Are you ready to go?”

She looked at him, disappointment nibbling at her. Couldn’t she just spend one day where she could be left alone so she could figure out what it was she was looking for?

Nodding, she stood up gingerly and followed the man out the door. Half-way through, Ms. Lightfoot called on to her. The woman smiled at her sweetly, “It’s going to get better, Joanna.”

She didn’t believe her.

\--

At times like these, when she felt like her head was so full with thoughts, all that Joanna could do was take a long soak on the shower.

It was a trick her father learned after a particularly bad meltdown when she was eight. Once she felt the pressure on her head, Joanna would strip down, open the tap to the coldest setting, and sit at the freezing water.

It helped calm her down, enough that she didn’t feel like hurting herself just to stop the torrent of emotions burning inside her.

Her father owned a big company. Joanna didn’t care about it but she was thankful that she never felt that he was too busy for her. If only, her father had been stuck at her side every waking day of her life.

It was a huge difference and yet held such similarity to the parents on her dreams, episodes, hallucinations, whatever they want to call it. Joanna smiled as she smelled the burning bacon from the kitchen.

She knew it had to be real, that it was something more than she could process, but the girl was at a crossroads. She knew way too much about the darkness within people, hear it in her dreams, even experienced it through one of her episodes. At the same time, as she grew older, her thoughts cleared, providing a sense of safety from it.

It didn’t change how she saw the world, however, and she still looked at everyone with the same amount of suspicion as she had once upon a time.

It was her. It was real. And she had yet to figure it out.

She knew of her position as Queen of Arendelle, had remembered the days when Gerda taught her dull history and etiquette and the countless ways she tried to avoid it. She knew of her parents and their tragic demise at the sea. She knew of Kristoff and their love for each other, their wedding day and the fights they endured. She knew of numerous useless faces and their names but something was still missing.

Who was she missing? There were obvious gaps in the narrative in her head. She was slowly losing hope and was starting to believe she was mad.

Joanna was always left with this empty feeling in her chest, in her soul, and she was willing to do anything just fill that void.

When she was not beating her brain for more information, she was doing school. She was accelerated, her mind owned by someone much older, and it helped her with her studies. It provided some distraction from the steaming trouble in her head, gladly taking it as it went.

When her father sat next to her at breakfast, his encouraging smile greeted her. It was one of their sweet moment littered around the day. This time proved different, though, as he took her hand in his hands, kissing it. “Joanna?”

“Yeah?” she looked at him. His eyes were teary but bright.

“Whatever happens, just know that I love you very much. Nothing will change that okay?”

Joanna smiled, nodding.

“I’ll be here for you until you don’t need me anymore. Your mom would have been so happy to see you.” His eyes turned downcast for a second. “But even if mom is not here, dad will always be, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied, a smile of gratitude lighting her face. “I love you, too, dad.”

They shared a tight hug, the warmth spreading in her chest. “And Joanna…”

She peeked at him from behind a glass of juice.

“About the episodes you were having…”

Joanna stared at him, waiting. He was very passionate about making her heal, about helping her, but she was getting tired of all the psychotherapy sessions and medications. It’s not going to stop whatever they do.

They were there because they had to tell her something.

“Promise me you won’t let yourself be lost inside of them. Promise me you’d always come back here, in dad’s side, however sad or happy they are, okay?”

He was telling her not to drown in these thoughts and he had every right to ask for it. He was keeping her afloat all these years, after all, and Joanna would give him that.

“Of course, dad.”

\--

Joanna finally believed her therapist. It took twelve years, but she did.

At some point in time, the distressing scenes she was unwillingly dragged into stopped completely. She had a hard time accepting their lost, the story incomplete in her head, but as the days passed, Joanna finally had the chance to follow her therapist’s words. To ignore it, to not pay it any attention.

“Jo, you won’t play hooky tomorrow, right?” Tiana looked at her with a smirk. She rolled her eyes in reply.

“I invited you personally! Why would I do that if I won’t play the ever-suffering role of a host?”

It gave enough time for Joanna to settle into reality and develop positively in a way her father had been so grateful for. She was studying Anthropology, the youngest in her year, and was making her way through it spectacularly. Joanna only needed to finish this semester so she could finally attain her degree.

Joanna heard her friend’s laughter and she looked at her unamused, pouting in offence. Tiana got out of her car and giggled. “I still remember how you left Mike’s party last month without a word to anyone. I have the right to ask.”

Joanna shook her head at Tiana’s retreating form. Perks of having a friend/classmate next door was being able to catch a ride. Now that she had her own driving’s license, she was able to repay the favour.

Their university was a thirty-minute drive from home. Joanna never thought she’d be grateful for living in the centre of Middleton but here she was.

Parking her car took only a minute, the apartment building where she and her father lived equipped with a spacious car park. She checked her phone for the hundredth ping of her notifications. No doubt it was her class freaking out over her invitation on the group chat.

Joanna had the immaculate image of a model student and a perfect daughter in his father’s eyes. She deserved it, working for how far she had gotten. She had almost stopped living, but Joanna passed through every struggling day where the voices in her head echoed painfully in her mind with courage.

She felt normal now. It had been tough coming out of her shell, to stop looking at everyone with doubt, but she was normal now. Therapy did wonders as Joanna slowly buried the thoughts and images in her head.

She was sick, but she’s better now, and Joanna had accepted the fact that they were nothing more than an illusion her head made her see. It was easy to believe the deluge of emotions she felt, easy to think that there was something else going on, but she was no longer an innocent, gullible-minded child.

It would be her eighteenth birthday tomorrow and her father was throwing a party for her. Inviting all her friends – which were huge in numbers – gave her father the idea to give her a congratulatory event and a birthday rolled into one.

The hallway was dim when she entered the penthouse and it bugged her profusely. She had always been scared of the dark and age didn’t fade that childhood fear she had.

“Jo!” he called after her as she quickly run upstairs. Grinning when she saw him and flying down to give him a hug, she gave him an inquisitive look.

“Dad. What’s up?” That was when he saw the box on his hand and the glint in his eyes. “What’s that?”

He smiled wider, pushing it in her hands. “It’s your gown for tomorrow!”

“Really?” She opened it and the emerald green stunned her for a minute. “I… dad, it’s beautiful!”

She went upstairs after a little prodding from him to try it on. Looking in the mirror, she froze as she stared at her reflection. It was a beautiful floor-length gown. Gold decorated its seams, green swirling around the black silk of the bodice. Her eyes were drawn to it, the colour reminiscent of something else. She blinked. There was a pressure behind her eyelids and it was an unwelcome sensation.

Joanna recognised the familiar feeling. It was the one that told her an episode was approaching. Denial hit her immediately, shaking herself out of the gown in steadily growing anxiety.

No, it couldn’t be happening! She was okay now, she was healed! As the pressure on her head accumulates, Joanna splashed her face with the cold tap water but instead of alleviating it, it only caused an unforeseen push egging her to give in.

Joanna wouldn’t. She went through her drawers and fumbled over the bottle of pills, prying it open with shaky hands.

This was not happening. The pinprick of emotion she had tried so hard to forget floated yet again. It had been years since she last felt it and she resisted.

Holding her head in her hands, she pressed hard, muttering a loud ‘stop!’ under her breath.

By a miracle, it did. She warily opened her eyes, afraid she’d be back in time once again. Her sigh of relief when she saw her own bed was deafening.

Drinking a glass of water to calm her nerves, Joanna sat down at the floor. She was not going to go back there again, in that depressed, mournful existence of someone else.

It wasn’t real. It was just all on her head. She rubbed her eyes with clammy hands, taking deep measured breaths. Joanna didn’t want to live the Queen’s life again, didn’t want to live like her heart was missing from her chest and feel her soul weeping, looking for a piece which didn’t exist. 

\--

It had been months since her almost-relapse.

If she was being honest, Joanna probably already had. Her days were littered about with phantom feelings tugging at her. God knows she tried hard to ignore it.

Unfortunately, she had finally graduated and so Joanna could only concentrate on it. Wallowing in frustration, she begrudgingly watched the movie playing before her.

Joanna had told her father about that night before her birthday and he encouraged her to rest for a while, convincing her that she’s just probably stressed and in need of a downtime.

This chance gave her the opportunity to think about her future, but it proved to be a hefty task as Joanna felt herself disassociate from her body, not experiencing an episode, but still so close to actually having one.

She couldn’t even understand what she was watching.

Her phone pinged. It was Tiana, asking her if she’d accept the internship being offered overseas. It might be a good idea, but not with Joanna’s current state. She’s back to a heavier dose of her medications and was afraid being in another country would bring about a total relapse.

Joanna needed to fix herself quick and set up her barricades against the waves crashing into her head, else she’d be back wondering what she’d lost.

\--

Her dad offered her a job. He was the CEO of Nicolai Organisations, a group of companies centring on international relations. Joanna accepted, finding it convenient especially with her current situation.

She felt like her head had finally calmed down, but deep inside, Joanna knew it wasn’t only hers anymore.

Was it a total relapse? It couldn’t be. There was just a simple rational voice telling her that it was okay. That the world was finally better, even if just a little.

She was still scared. It was not her own voice, but it sounded exactly like it. The Queen’s, perhaps? Joanna doubted it. One thing she remembered about Anna was that she was always lonely, always yearning for something, someone who’d never be there.

This was different. There was a calm in her thoughts, like she was actually happy. She was encased in a bubble of contentment, like she was finally safe.

No… not Joanna. Anna, maybe? Or someone else?

Thinking about it only made her float higher so she avoided it.

Joanna watched the little boy jump up to his father’s arms. The ghost of a smile appearing on her face. It was a great idea to hang out in the playground this time of day. There were a bunch of kids playing around, and when that kept teenagers her age from coming to the park, Joanna was actually comfortable hearing their childish chatter.

She often wondered what it would feel like to have a sibling, a little or older brother or sister, playing with her or simply just hanging out with her. It had always been her father and Joanna and she couldn’t help but feel a little blue once in a while.

This new, light feeling in her chest was better than anything she had ever experienced, though, like she’s finally not alone. Joanna touched a hand to her heart, feeling it beat.

The pressure on her head started again. Groaning to herself, she quickly stood up and went inside her car, cranking up the AC into the highest setting.

It didn’t recede, just kept knocking at her mind’s door, waiting for her to finally let it enter as easily as she did once. Feeling a little crazy, she huffed and said aloud, “Oh my God, leave me alone. I don’t want your misery anymore.”

It stopped – momentarily, at least – and instead of a pressure, it was a gentle nudge, tempting her to allow it back in.

Joanna rolled her eyes. “No! I don’t care if you’re nicer this time around. There’s nothing for me to look in there anymore. I’ve seen everything you have to offer.”

She turned the radio up, the loud music drowning the thoughts in her brain. Joanna slowly drove out of there, singing along to the lyrics.

The pressure in her head had realised its gentleness had been mistaken for reprieve and it tapped her harder. Joanna clicked her tongue in annoyance. “Fuck you! Jesus. Stop it!”

It didn’t hear her unpleasant request and when the radio switched into a quieter sound, Joanna was left with an unfamiliar song and the drumming on her head.

She hit the brakes and slammed her hands on the wheel repeatedly. It still went on in its course.

“Stop it!” Punching the wheel, Joanna snagged her aching hand between her legs, the harsh pain failing to make the damned pressure stop. “Leave me alone!”

Tears sprung to her eyes, her injury worsening the beat on her brain. She rested her head on the wheel, tired, desperation leaving her as seconds passed. Joanna just cried, pleading angrily to every God that would hear her. “Please, stop, please.”

This was it. Her life was ruined. She’s already talking to herself like a psycho and soon, she’d be back in the ocean of the Queen’s grief. She took a shaky breath, fighting with the last bit of strength left in her. “I don’t want to hurt anymore.”

Joanna closed her eyes, her last and final resort in holding on to reality. The heavy feeling in her heart intensified, worsening into a black hole of dark emotions.

The blue skies and the happy charge of freed reindeers didn’t change her circumstance.

No. She was back. Joanna wanted to trash about and cry and just do anything to ease her mournful frustration but she only stared at the running reindeers with a frown on her face. There he was, Kristoff, his arms around her frame, but she dejectedly stepped away from him.

It’s over. Her life was over. There would be no light after this storm. It’s over and it’s never going to change. She’s just going to be alone. Forever. Suffering in this pointless existence. She’d never be happy again, no more chance left for her to take.

Even the next right thing didn’t seem like the best choice to take.

She barely felt the cool breeze that twisted around her, looking down and sighing dejectedly. The twinkle before her caught her attention, however, and she looked at it expressionlessly before hope leaped through her heart.

It was ice, crystals dancing in the air briefly before drifting along to the direction of the ocean. Joanna didn’t know why that brought such a response from her but her feet carried her after it, optimism bringing forth _euphoria_ flashing through her senses.

She inspected the horizon in which the crystals disappeared and squinted her eyes, looking for _someone_. Joanna saw a figure miraculously running on top of the water. She couldn’t believe it. This excitement, this unbridled joy coming from an episode was nothing she had ever seen or felt before.

Her body automatically gravitated to the beach, sliding down the rocks and running full-speed before stopping, still in a state of disbelief as she watched the woman went down the magical horse made out of water.

Her platinum hair framed her face stunningly, wide blue eyes looking at her with the same expression she wore. Joanna had never seen this woman before, never heard of her, but this very moment told her she was the one her heart had been longing for all her life.

She’s alive, and safe, and so _beautiful_ it hurts. Joanna gasped in relief, tears uncontrollably rolling down her face. The delicate smile the woman wore and the sun’s rays shining down upon her made her appear in an ethereal glow. She couldn’t believe it. “Is it really you?”

The woman smiled wider, nodded, and held her hands out. “Anna.”

She didn’t need more invitation. Joanna rushed to her arms, holding her tightly and touching her as if to convince herself this was really real. _She_ was really here, alive, in her arms.

“I thought I lost you,” she sobbed, still feeling the ache on her chest, but it was surely vanishing the longer she looked at the woman like it’s never been there in the first place.

The girl clutched her hand in hers. Joanna gripped it tightly, the cold in it reassuring her in a curious way. “Lost me? You saved me. Again.”

Again?

“I did?” That beautiful smile answered her, and God, why only now?

Joanna saved her again. Just like…

Cold. Freezing cold burning her body, lathering her limbs, striking every nerve of her poor, shivering figure. She looked at Kristoff, just a few steps away and she knew that she had to get to him before it’s too late.

The blizzard had cleared, but the sharp unsheathing of a sword rang through her ears. She forced herself to turn and saw him, Hans, stalking closer to the weeping form of the blonde woman.

Joanna didn’t need to choose. The moment she saw Hans before the girl, it was already obvious what she had to do.

Her body complained as she commanded it, but she fought through the pain, kicking her legs into action.

She hoped she could make it in time.

Joanna did. Her hand was up to stop the sword before everything went terrifyingly dark. But she was not scared.

Her heart was not scared. She would do anything for her.

_“I love you.”_

She blinked at the car in front of her, the loud punk-rock booming through her speakers startling her back to the present. Joanna stared at the space before her, mouth hanging open.

Surveying herself, she expected to feel as horrible as she once felt, frantically looking for the missing piece of her broken heart. Instead, Joanna felt whole, like there was a bright, burning sun inside of her.

It was her. The woman. The one she… Anna was looking for. The one her heart was crying for in anguish when it looked around and failed to see her.

Joanna exhaled incredulously, her insides still searing from the warmth in her chest from when she touched the woman.

God, she was so beautiful. Who was she? Anna knew exactly who the girl was, but for the first time, the Queen refused to tell her anything. Her memory was fuzzy contrasted to Kristoff’s or anyone’s in her dreams, like Joanna was not allowed to share her with the Queen.

That wasn’t fair! Joanna had suffered through hell and high water with her, felt her heart rip out of her chest into pieces. Who gave the Queen the right to be greedy with the light the blonde emits? That pure delight at just the sight of her… Joanna needed to feel it, too.

She needed more. Joanna scrunched her eyebrows together, closing her eyes tightly. “You can’t do that. You can’t! You have to give me more. She’s not only yours anymore.”

The pressure in her head didn’t return and that only made her more eager to see the blonde. Joanna focused in her hair, white as snow and… smooth as silk. An unexpected laugh came out of her, surprised, wondering where the thought had come from. Yes, it was the softest thing she had ever touched!

And her eyes – as blue as the rarest topaz and twice as brilliant – shining bright from the love within. Joanna couldn’t help the smile that erupted from her lips. 

Yes. Of course. The kindest, warmest, most selfless person she knew. And her love, Joanna never knew anything so pure.

Her recollection was entirely correct. That was probably the key as her vision fogged for a second. When Joanna looked up, it was the woman’s face she saw.

It was her who pulled Joanna as they followed the string to the hidden gifts littered across town. It was her hand that was almost skinned raw when Gerda saw the broken vase courtesy of her little sister on the floor. It was her who Anna willingly stopped a sword for with no hesitation.

She was the woman who broke heart and the only one who could mend it back together with just a smile.

It was her. It had always been and forever would be her.

Tears made way to her cheeks. Finally, she remembered her, and oh, how she loved her. For the few minutes that she saw her, for the last lifetime that they shared, Joanna loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still reeling from having a frozen marathon last night and I was suddenly reminded how disappointing F2 is. anyways, hope everyone's being safe and happy xxx


	5. And The Road Has Been Too Long

**Chapter 5: And The Road Has Been Too Long**

_How pathetic._

Anna’s smile disappeared. It was a Sunday afternoon and she was busy reading a few documents from the meeting earlier that day when a member of the council, Count Holmen, knocked on her study.

She wasn’t surprised. His request of shipping marble and oak wood to the neighbouring kingdom of Alvarez was quickly shut down by the young Queen, and as Anna left in a contemplative mood after the meeting, she saw Holmen’s glower in her peripheral.

“Excuse me?” she asked, her eyebrows creasing in offence. “What did you say?”

Count Holmen’s polite smile faltered before blinking in confusion. “My Liege?”

They were talking about when the next court meeting would be and was already at the end of their short conversation. Anna quipped about calming her frazzled nerves first before scheduling another one instead of haggardly telling him that he’s in no position to rush her and the gentleman chuckled in response.

But didn’t Anna just hear him talk?

“What… did you say?” Anna was starting to get confused, too, staring at the man in bewilderment.

The count shook his head, puzzled as to what she was talking about, “Ermm, Your Majesty, I didn’t say anything…?”

He didn’t. Anna was looking straight at him the whole time and his mouth didn’t open to do anything but laugh.

She waved him off, citing the loud bustling of the wind outside for her mistake. Once he left, Anna dropped her head in her hands, groaning in frustration.

Was something wrong with her ear?

No. Anna knew the words she was hearing for the past few days was not at all verbal. It was only a few words, two sentences at most, when she was with other people’s company. It echoed in her head clearly, like it was spoken loudly, but when she gives people an inquisitive glance, she was replied to with confusion.

Joanna jerked back into her little office when her dad knocked on the door. “Joey-bear?”

“Dad…” she rolled her eyes but greeted him with a smile. “Not here!”

Her father chortled at her expense and sat himself cheerfully at the seat before her. “How’s your first month being a manager?”

Joanna huffed, shaking her head as she dismissed her dad’s silliness. “You mean how’s my first month in training?”

“Are they keeping you way too long there?” Jude asked seriously, ready to throw hands at anyone who made Joanna upset.

She shook her head, pulling her hair back from her face and checking the time on the wall clock hanging on her left. “Nope. It’s actually me who refused to leave their side.”

“Joey–”

She cut her dad off with an amused snort. “Dad… I don’t think I deserved to be HR Manager when this is my first time encountering this field. There are far better people fit for the position. Why don’t you just give an entry-level job, y’know, the one where fresh graduates apply for?”

“Joanna,” he said, firm yet loving smile on his lips. “You certainly don’t think that, do you? You’ve graduated college just months past your eighteenth birthday, and with impressive credentials, too.”

She groaned, resting her head in the table as she stared at her father’s entertained gaze. “I don’t know, dad. It just feels… weird, I guess?”

Her dad ruffled her hair before standing up and turning to the door. “You’ll get used to it. Then you can move on to other administrative positions. Soon, you’ll be CEO!”

Joanna giggled at his mischievous wink. Gratitude overwhelmed her. Her father indeed was the Big Boss in this company, but man, did he made her feel like he’s her number one fan.

“CEO, psh.” Joanna closed the laptop in front of her. She’d need to eat more grains before she could even handle the thought of that.

Then again, Joanna knew of her father’s dream of her taking over his company. Somehow, she wasn’t scared. She had been second-in-line for the crown and inherited the throne when the blonde – her _sister_ – abdicated and had surpassed an insurmountable trouble in adjusting to the pressure.

Surely Joanna could do that again, too.

One thing she was scared of was never remembering the blonde’s name. Joanna had spent her nights in bed recalling the memory of her, of her sweet melodious laughter and cool presence, had sautéed herself thinking about her touch and her smell, but still, Joanna didn’t remember what her name was.

Of all things to forget, she forgot _that._

And that memory she had earlier. It started when she finally saw the blonde, but along with the sweetest picture of her came the troubled thoughts of the Queen.

While her younger years had been spent in fear and suspicion, now she could finally piece together what the numerous voices in her head was. As clear as Anna’s memory was, Joanna was still a child when she experienced them and didn’t have the maturity on her physical brain to actually realise what they were.

She’d have to wait and see if she was right.

\--

The moan that erupted from her lips was shameless, loudly vibrating from her throat.

The want, the _need_ resonating inside her mind was driving Anna crazy and her fingers slipped back inside of her almost as smoothly as they came out.

She could feel it, the blonde’s ache between her own legs, and how she struggled to douse the flames without the necessary solution.

Anna swirled a thumb in her clit, the torrent of pleasure taking over her senses for a brief moment, but somehow that wasn’t enough.

She wanted to do that to her, wanted to make her scream and help her take care of the burning lust on her core effectively. Anna wanted her sister so much, more so than she wanted the redhead, and the more that simple want keeps being denied, the more she becomes obsessed with it.

She understood the blonde’s reluctance… to an extent. Anna knew their relationship couldn’t escalate from long, questionable cuddles and guilty kisses. They were blood siblings and to do more would be an unforgivable sin.

That’s what the blonde told her, and if the blind panic from her sister whenever Anna tried to push was anything to go by, it was something she truly believed in.

That might be true, but that didn’t stop her from relieving the lust from her own body. God, if only her sister knew.

She added more pressure on her ministrations, the delicious end upon her once more. Anna wished she was a bit more sympathetic to her sister’s reasons, but she couldn’t help but feel that it was nothing a but hopeless excuse.

Her orgasm was so strong Joanna was thrown out of the Queen’s chambers and back to her own bed.

The wetness in her thighs reflected the relief she got. Joanna took a deep breath, relaxed, but still thinking about what happened.

She was right. It was a hopeless excuse because the sin they’d be committing would be of love. Pure and untainted love.

Compared to the Countess of Berkin’s seduction of the married King of Latheo, it was nothing. Compared to Lord Bjorn’s sin of mindless murder just to attain a spot at Arendelle’s council, it was holy.

\--

“Joanna?”

She turned to look at her father from across the dining table, the curiosity on his face evident in the lighting of the room.

Slicing the steak in front of her effortlessly, she raised an eyebrow at him. “Yep?”

“Were you the one who painted the girl on your room?”

Oh. That.

Joanna smiled proudly as she nodded. She had always been gifted in the arts, and through that gift, she could easily imitate the beauty she once saw. It’d never be enough, yes, but it’d have to do for now.

“It’s wonderful.” Her father’s mouth formed an ‘o’, nodding his amazement before puckering his eyebrows. “Who was she?”

Joanna wanted to answer him with a name, but it evaded her like it did all those times so she shrugged as she took a piece of steak in her mouth. “Someone special.”

Jude looked like he wanted to ask more but with Joanna’s lack of response, he dropped it.

When she came to her room, she quickly opened her computer to search for the Kingdom she once lived in, hoping to find something that could help her current journey.

Joanna had decided to return to it, wherever it was in the world. A part of her soul was left in there and she needed it back.

Picking up her brushes and the empty sketchbook, she spared a glance to the smiling woman on her wall and began to work.

\--

The blonde seemed different.

Anna looked at her from across the room with puppy eyes, her sister’s nose buried inside of a hefty book. She was starved of her sister’s presence and would get every bit she could until the blonde leaves again.

Turning a page, the woman continued reading obliviously, her forehead creased adorably as she consumed the words at an alarming rate.

She’s home for the weekend, but tomorrow, when sun comes up, she’d be back there again in that damned forest, away from her, away from the one who loved her the most.

Anna wished she would stay, wished she was sitting right next to her, wished for a lot of things, but all she could do was stare longingly at the blonde.

It’s just like when they were kids, separated, apart, except now they were old enough to keep up the façade that everything’s the same as before. 

It was the best three years of her life. She had her back, freely and with no restraint. Anna could tell her everything and hear her voice and _see_ her. Everything she had been wanting for all her life.

But put that way, there’d be nothing amiss in their situation.

She could still tell the woman everything, still could hear her honeyed laughter, and see her beautiful smile sent her way.

But everything’s different.

They lost their closeness, the way they easily fell together. It was like a door between them again, keeping them away from each other, but instead of solid wood trapping them, it was the silence, unfilled and lonely.

It saddened her the same way it irritated her. What did Anna do wrong that blonde’s doing this to her? It was an age-old question, the one she had been asking since she was eight, back when she knocked on a quiet room for years.

Was it because of their fight months ago?

Probably, but it definitely didn’t begin there, only guaranteed the blow to their falling apart.

The Queen closed her eyes, kneading her forehead, stress and a certain pressure taking over her head.

It started because the woman was avoiding her question. Seriously, how hard was it to answer what happened to her after she swept Anna in a boat of her own making? Yeah, Anna was revving up for a fight with that question, but it was only so she could understand why the blonde did what she did.

Of course, their conversation became too heated, and Anna being Anna, lost her temper and started going off with an unwilling opponent.

She still hated herself for saying she didn’t need the woman because she damn well did. Still does. Forever will.

Anna guessed she believed her words. She didn’t know why but the blonde had suddenly passed out in the middle of their argument, her powers getting out of control for the first time in years, and when she woke up, she refused to look too long in her eyes.

She wished she could take it back.

“If you keep that up,” the woman said, not looking up from the pages but definitely catching her staring. “I might melt.”

The teasing tone delighted Anna. Smiling playfully at her, she retorted, “Psh, as if you would ever.”

She wished the blonde would. Anna wanted her walls of ice, her freezing silence, everything that keeps hiding her away to melt into nothing. She wanted the modest smile on her lips to never disappear, wanted to keep that sweet attention the woman paid her for a few seconds before returning to the book to stay locked in her.

Oh how Anna wanted her back, her nerves tingling with need and it takes everything in her to look away from the blonde’s figure and back to wherever her gaze previously was.

It was hard. Even if her eyes were not on the woman, her mind had fixated on the thought of her. She sat idly on the border of her vision and Anna questioned what was going on with her to be that interested with someone who only moves to flip a page.

It’s not like she’s doing anything fascinating. She’s only reading a book with the cutest look on her face. It was nothing interesting.

Anna’s eyes were being pulled back to the blonde like it belonged there so she was back staring like a creep at her sister. The blonde looked up unexpectedly and the smirk adorning her lips made blood rush to the redhead’s cheeks, the colour rivalling her hair.

Joanna sniggered, the episode fading away as she tapped on her table aimlessly. Man, if she only knew then what she knew now, Anna would probably have less problems.

It’s not that she was oblivious, it’s that she was dumb. As hell.

When her heart had started beating like she was in a marathon, she should have known what it was. Should’ve known when she was whole-heartedly hypnotised by her sister’s gracious smile and that pair of glinting blues and that soft pink lips and… yeah, she’s in love like a fool.

But Joanna could understand her plight. It was nothing she felt when she was with Kristoff, who was supposed to be her husband. Her reaction to him was Anna’s idea for love but it only took now to realise how wrong she was.

It was different, stronger and much deeper than what she felt for him. Her love for Kristoff didn’t even touch the intensity her love for the woman did.

Smiling sadly, Joanna felt bad for Kristoff. Truly.

He was a good man, and he did love Anna with all his heart. Apart from her sister, he was the only one of the few whose thoughts were bare from the evil within.

She still remembered their conversation where she ended their marriage. She heard the flash of anger on his head, the denial and the desperation, but Anna also heard his quiet acceptance as he walked away, like he knew all along and was just waiting for it.

In another life, Joanna would have loved him completely, but that was only her guilt talking.

Her love – in whatever world or time or place – would always be for _her._ Joanna couldn’t and would never feel remorse for that.

\--

She drew the snow family the blonde made. The battalion of snowgies, Marshmallow, and of course, Olaf.

They were all smiling.

Truth be told Joanna couldn’t recall a time when the blonde’s snow children didn’t. Then she remembered Marshmallow’s terrifying roar as he chased them.

Joanna frowned. And Olaf’s eyes looking at her with sadness as she left to find the woman after she left to meet… Darkness.

He probably knew what’s going to happen.

With a melancholic sigh, Joanna finished the family portrait and touched Olaf’s joyful gaze. She missed him, wished to talk to him like Anna would when something’s pressing her mind.

He never made sense, but somehow always managed to calm her down.

Joanna looked at her hand, closing it in thought. She’d never be able to talk to him again. That only made her sadder. If that was true, then that means she’d never see her sister again.

Google didn’t give her any results regarding Arendelle. Joanna wondered if everything in her head really happened, or it was the sickness in her brain morphing into a creature she’d readily let live inside her brain.

Losing hope was a choice. She’d never heard of anything weird. If only, this world renounces weird. And if Arendelle was not a real place, then was the blonde not real, too?

Joanna shook her head. She shouldn’t think that. She knew in herself that it was real.

Of course, it would be a stretch for anyone to believe her. Believing that talking, living snowmen once existed, that there was once a lizard that could make fire, that a horse made out of water had once kneeled before her was a nut-job’s duty.

The jingle of her phone rang through the air. Answering it, she saw her supervisor’s name flashing on the screen. The line wasn’t good so she went out of her room to the balcony outside, passing her dad who waved at her.

Ms. Williams notified her of the remaining documents she was yet to received had been finished and Joanna was to get it any minute now. Bidding her goodbye, Joanna trailed back to her room with a bored expression, not looking forward to spending the night working.

She almost screamed when her dad peeked his head from her bedroom. “Jo?”

“Dad!” she bellowed, rolling her eyes. “You gave me a heart attack.”

With an energetic laugh answering her, she sat on her bed with her laptop on, staring at her emails unpleasantly as her dad sit beside her.

“Jo, can we talk?”

Nodding, she waited for her dad to speak, his concerned face worrying her. Seeing her dad serious was not a daily occurrence. Joanna was actually sure she’d never seen him drop his light attitude in months.

“Mrs. Lightfoot told me you haven’t contacted her since June,” he frowned at her, sliding his hand to her own. “Is there a problem?”

Oops. She totally forgot about Mrs. Lightfoot, too busy reminiscing the thoughts on her head. “Uh, yeah.” Wait. “I mean, yeah, I haven’t talked to her, but nothing’s wrong. I was just a little busy with… work.”

Jude nodded understandingly, smiling weakly at her. “That’s fine, but promise me you’d get to her soon, okay?”

Nodding, she assured him she would. Her dad stood up, Joanna losing her attention on him and to the newly arrived email on her screen. It was just a few records of business transactions of the company, and she was so immersed in it that she didn’t see her father pick up the sketches on her table.

It was too late before she knew what he was doing. Jude asked loudly, a hint of anger on his voice, “Is this Olaf?”

Joanna froze. Shit. Whipping her head towards him, she saw her latest drawing on his hands. With the expression on her face, Jude shook his head and browse through everything in it.

Snatching it from his grasp, Joanna closed it and tucked it under her elbows. “Dad, I can explain.”

“I thought everything’s alright,” he said, looking at her with sadness. “You said everything’s alright.”

“I am!” Joanna exclaimed. “But it’s not what it looks like.”

Damn the younger her for spilling everything she knew to her dad. She’d drawn Olaf once when she was just a kid, when she was as troubled as could be from the Queen’s thoughts, and seeing it again now definitely made the wrong impression to him.

He just shook his head calmly, walking away from her disappointedly. Her mind raced. She couldn’t let him think she was getting bad again, not now when she finally knew who she was looking for.

“Dad, it’s not what you think. I’m not sick. Never was. I…. it’s true what I am seeing!”

He stopped on his tracks and looked at her slowly, realisation hitting him. “’Am seeing?’ So that means you’re experiencing episodes again?”

“Yes!” Joanna kicked herself. “No, I… it’s not episodes, it’s not because I’m sick. Dad, I finally figured everything out.”

Expectantly looking at her dad, she saw the hopelessness shine through his eyes and it hurt. “Dad! Listen to me, it’s real!”

“Joanna, you knew that this had been happening since you were very young. You knew you were at risk. Didn’t Mrs. Lightfoot told you that once you started believing in it, it meant that it’s bad again?”

“No, no.” Joanna picked the sketches on her arms and flipped through it, landing on the painting of the castle. “See this? This was where it all happened. I finally remembered it. Arendelle, dad, that’s where Queen Anna lived, where I lived.”

Turning to another page, she showed the painting of Kristoff. “This! This was my husband! I mean… friend, we didn’t end up together and…” She flipped to the lieutenant. “And… and Lieutenant Matthias, he was trapped on the forest but he got out. _They_ got out and…” The snowmen. “I… this was Olaf and Marshmallow…”

“Enough!”

Joanna stopped, tears already fresh on her eyes. Her father shook his head, gesturing to her. “Look at you.”

She frustratedly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Dad… please.”

“What? Believe that it’s real?” Jude took the sketches on her hands swiftly and presented it to her. “Believe that there’s a living snowman somewhere in the world? That you were a Queen?”

“Dad…” Joanna sniffed. “It’s not that. I knew that I’m not living th-that life anymore, but it was real.”

Her father was silent as he looked at her, studying his only daughter like a stranger. “Why didn’t you tell me that it’s happening again?”

Joanna closed her eyes and waved her hands in front of him. “Because this is how you’d act like!”

“Of course, this is how I would act!” He stepped closer to her, deep scowl on his face. “My child is seeing hallucinations and believing that it’s real! How would anyone act in this situation?”

“Dad, this is different, I swear,” Joanna pleaded, taking his hand and looking at his weary eyes.

He sighed, asking “Different how?”

Taking the benefit of the doubt, Joanna exhaled and started explaining. “I knew everything now. How it started, how it ends. Of course there are still some blurry parts but… the reason why I was so sad, so scared, was because I was searching for something, right? Dad, I finally know what I’m looking for.”

“What… what were you looking for?” Jude asked warily.

Joanna gestured at the blonde’s portrait with a smile. “Her.”

Her father looked at it, face not betraying any emotion. “What’s her name?”

_Fuck._

At her alarmed look, Jude shook his head one final time, walking away. “Thought so.”

\--

Her dad collected everything she made. From her sketches and her notes searching for Arendelle. The only thing left was the portrait of the blonde which was looking worse for wear because she’s played tug of war with him with it.

Her thoughts were all over the place. She was so sleepy, her newer medications made sure of that, and she didn’t even have the energy to recall anything important.

She’s back to square one on her plan of looking for Arendelle, not like she had any progress with it.

Joanna sighed, burying her head in her pillow. At least her dad didn’t send her to a mental facility and let her stay with him at home. She was starting to believe everything they were telling her once again. Maybe she really was sick, maybe her mind had finally had her on a leash.

She felt like crying but she had no strength left. She felt so weak, so tired. She wished it would just go away. Her heart broke and there was no way to fix it, no way to escape this confusion.

The covers next to her moved, and the smile that greeted her lifted her spirits up, even just slightly. “Well, don’t look so sad.”

She laughed, tucking a stray blond hair back. Anna pressed a kiss to her forehead, the woman wiping the tear away from her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I want to be strong… I really do, but it’s so hard.”

“You don’t have to apologise, it’s not your fault.” The blonde’s smile turned sad. “If we have anyone to blame, it’s me.”

She shook her head fervently, caressing the girl’s cheeks. “No. If it’s not my fault then it cannot be yours, too.”

She laughed, weak and faint but it was enough for Anna. “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

“I should’ve told you,” she replied. “I guess we’re both to blame.”

The blonde scrunched her nose, not liking what she heard. “It’s not our fault.”

Anna nodded, catching her pale lips with her own. It used to have a rosy glow but now… She took a deep breath, trying to lose herself in blue. They didn’t have the energy for more so they stayed there, face meeting in a gentle kiss. Somehow that only broke Anna’s heart worse.

“In our next life,” the blonde mused quickly after they broke apart. “Do you think we’ll be together again?”

Anna nodded, willing to play along to her sister’s daydream. “Yes. When we meet, there’d be nothing to keep us apart. No pain, no hurt…”

“No Darkness?” The redhead nodded with a smile. “Just us?”

“Just us, loving each other the way we want to, kissing each other as long as we want.”

The blonde seemed to like that, her smile growing. “Holding each other whenever we want?”

“Whenever, wherever.” A tear rolled down the blonde’s eye. Anna smiled, “We will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're halfway through the story, my dudes. as always, I hope everyone's safe and happy (also a belated happy birthday to our favourite princess-turned-queen) xxx


	6. For The Lucky And The Strong

**Chapter 6: For The Lucky And The Strong**

The Queen stood before the ambassador of Alvarez, a stout aging man with an ugly nose and an even uglier heart. “We refuse to be blackmailed by you, Lord Wilhelm.”

The man looked affronted for a second before smirking. “Your Majesty, with all due respect, this isn’t a blackmail but a bargain with you.”

The blonde was standing at the far edge of the room, not saying a word but eyes never leaving them. Anna doubted she could hear their conversation, the distance between them too great for their hushed words to be understood. If that wasn’t enough, her attention was being kept in small conversation by the three soldiers accompanying the ambassador.

The blonde didn’t know they were armed.

_If you only knew what we can do, you would be begging on your knees._

Anna shook her head, receiving the thought with a frown. “How is you threatening to spread a scandalous hearsay in exchange for trade of metal ores and sulphur a bargain?”

Gun powder. That’s what they were making. Alvarez was always known for their bad reputation and with the popularity of firearms rising, they’ve been accumulating power by making gun powder. They had the other chemicals meant for it but they lack the most important ingredient.

Sulphur.

Arendelle didn’t mine for sulphur, never had, but as Anna hears every cunning thought on his mind, the picture was finally coming together.

On the west of the North Mountain was an inactive volcano. How and when they figured that out was, Anna didn’t know.

That damned count probably had an idea.

She was sure he was a dangerous threat. His gun was hidden on his belt, but he was so proud of it Anna could hear it first thing when he entered with his goons and, if his plan in his head was anything to go by, he wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

“A scandalous hearsay, Your Majesty? We’d only be telling the truth, and with the evidence we had, it would be devastating to Arendelle’s crown.”

Anna knew he was bluffing. He had no evidence of… of the relationship between her and her sister. But he knew of it. That Count was the reason, a spy on her court, she had been too lax, too kind and now here Alvarez was, terrorising her. Threatening her sister’s name.

The Queen couldn’t let that happen.

“No. I refuse,” she coldly replied. “Alvarez could do anything it wants. We’re not scared of you.”

Anger flashed on his face, disbelief on his request not being heed. He figured it was a fool-proof plan, that Anna would sway under his pressure, but she was not just a little girl that could be bullied with words.

Lord Wilhelm took a step towards her and that’s when it went out of control. The blonde’s eyes were locked in them and she took the action as an offence. Her sister moved towards them but one of the soldier blocked her path.

“What are you doing?” her sister asked, voice rising to make way for the royalty within. The temperature dropped considerably. “Do you know who I am?”

The soldier was stunned, staggering back. Lord Wilhelm turned to the commotion behind him and Anna could hear his panic escalating as the blonde approached them.

Anna wanted to roll her eyes. As if she’d ever hurt them. Her sister’s thoughts were analysing the situation. She could hear her brain making plans on how she could get in between the two, much to Anna’s fondness.

Lord Wilhelm was dangerous but the Queen couldn’t care less. She could hear his thoughts and in extent, could see the attempt before the actions.

Anna didn’t want her sister to know, she knew she would agonise over his threat greatly, so she opened her mouth to call for Kai who was waiting right behind the door.

The ambassador beat her to it though with a sentence of his own. “You’d rather let everyone know your immoral actions than concede to our requests?”

He took a step backwards, away from the both of them and sneered at her. “I knew it! Your mind had entirely been poisoned by the Ice Witch.”

Did he just…?

“Be careful with your words, Lord Wilhelm, or you might regret it,” Anna warned, the blonde’s confused but hurt feelings striking her like a knife.

“What do you mean?” her sister asked, stepping closer to her. She looked at Anna, eyes communicating the acute confusion she had.

He scoffed at them. “Everybody knew the Fifth Spirit was the previous Queen of Arendelle and we also knew that you are more powerful than we could think of. When we got word of your incestuous relations, we knew something else must be going on.”

Kai had come in already, along with a few Arendellian soldiers. This conversation had suddenly become too public for Anna’s liking but thought from one of Wilhelm’s goon knocked the air out of her lungs.

_Once we kill the former Queen, we’ll be praised as heroes. Queen Anna has no power on her own and Arendelle will fall._

Kill… the former Queen?

Anna swivelled her head to Wilhelm, the force of her gaze burning him. Going through someone’s mind voluntarily was something she’d never done before, but as she went through past his walls and into his very heart, she saw it.

“My Queen, your sister is too strong for you and everybody knew it’s not of your own volition to follow her orders. Grant with our requests and we would all live in peace.”

_Once the witch steps before the Queen…_

Anna was confused. She didn’t expect the loose ends of this mess. His words were provoking, meant to overwhelm them. To distract.

From what?

_Any moment now._

Kai moved closer to her, the hilt of his sword hitting her arm. Her guards were standing in defence around Anna on the blonde’s cue. The Alvarez soldiers neared them.

That’s when she realised.

_Just a few seconds now._

This was not about sulphur or even their relationship.

This was an assassination.

Anna didn’t wait another second and grabbed Kai’s sword, lunging towards Wilhelm, the tip of the blade piercing through his skin and bones smoothly. His blood spilled to the floor as Anna withdrew.

The room was submerged in shocked silence. Anna sighed, hands shaking but firm over her bloodied weapon. “You won’t touch her.”

Joanna sighed, cup of tea gone cold on her hands. He didn’t. That damned ambassador died seconds later and with loyal guards and the Fifth Spirit on her side, the moment was defused easily.

But after that…

She slapped a palm on her head, wincing tightly. Her sister had left, disbelief and shock on her features.

The words of the ambassador had affected her seriously and, with a teary conversation, had up and left with the harshest feeling in her heart.

Joanna could still feel her sister’s heart break in two, still could hear the wicked thoughts attacking her brain.

Anna had regretted it. She should have said something to her, surely she would understand, but the fear of being judged, of being labelled as a monster… she had been a coward.

If she wasn’t, Darkness would have been left in its sorry little cave, away from their family.

Joanna blamed the ambassador, then Darkness, then herself. Still, it was a sore that couldn’t heal on her heart. The story had ended long ago but her heart still ached for the half of her soul.

If only Joanna was stronger, then she could find a way to find it. Find her.

But she had always been weak and, without the blonde, she couldn’t find it in herself to be strong.

\--

Joanna had moved up the ranks and was already a supervisor when she decided to study again. This time, she dreamed of being an Archaeologist. That would give her more chance to find Arendelle.

That wasn’t the reason she gave her father when she told him, but she couldn’t break his heart after finally being ‘healed’ again. Her father had stopped forcing her to the therapist’s office once she promised she’d never go back to her previous mind-set ever again.

He only meant well, but still, the part of her soul that was being hidden away still cried.

Joanna assured it that soon it would be free. Moving out was on one of her lists, and even if it’s not saying enough on its own, she’d be taking the necessary steps to be the architect of her own life.

Just so she could find her other half.

It might be because God had finally decided to let her live in peace that she saw her dad sitting crossed leg on her bedroom floor with countless papers before him. He’s adjusting his glasses as he stared at the documents in thought.

Joanna glanced at him, wondering why on earth was he reviewing paperwork on her room. “’Sup?”

He didn’t look at her, just kept staring at his papers. Joanna shrugged and slumped down on her bed, tired after an hour of traffic and seven hours on the office.

“Are you still going back to study?”

She yawned and turned to her side, resting her head in her propped hand as she nodded at him. “Yep. I applied for my master’s at the University of Middleton and am waiting for the results.”

Her father lifted his eyebrow and twirled to face her. “I have something that might encourage you if you were having second thoughts, but now that you don’t…”

That caught her attention. Joanna sat up, looking at him expectantly. Jude smile at her, modest pride on his eyes. “I’ve been doing this since… what happened three years ago. You deserve this whatever happens.”

On the mention of her last ‘relapse’, Joanna’s ears perked up, curiously frowning at him. “Wait, what?”

Her dad didn’t say anything, opting to take the hefty folder on his left and laying it on her lap. Joanna waited, baffled within reason, but as she saw the peeking drawing inside, she carefully opened it.

It was of Arendelle. Crumpled on the edges but the drawing she made years ago still held up. When she lifted it up, the picture underneath it surprised her.

She grabbed it. Inspecting the details and the numerous others on the files. Tears filling up her eyes, she met her father’s eyes. Apologetic, yet still so proud. “I’m so sorry for not believing you, Joey-bear.”

It was real. It really was real. Joanna sobbed, hugging her dad with gratefulness that she’d never felt before.

\--

Stepping outside of the plane, the melancholy that hit her was crushing. She’s finally back home, after hundreds of years.

The people with her were scientists and business men, but Joanna didn’t care about the greed on their eyes. She’d let them exploit the fallen Kingdom as long as she could find a trace that could find _her._

Joanna had helped them. Directing the search party on the archives, even decoding something of the records.

She thanked her dad that he was able to give her the power over the people studying the place. It was still hers, still the Kingdom of the last Queen of Arendelle.

Joanna sat at the bottom of the tree in the courtyard. It was miraculously still alive. It was the witness of a love like no other, had seen the beginning of their relationship.

It was the same tree Anna fell down when she was but four years old, the same roots her sister drowned in pillows of snow to protect her.

It was below the same tree that she saw the blonde playing the violin when she was thirteen, her awe enveloping her as she watched from behind the wall.

Joanna smiled. And the same spot she knew what her lustrous lips tasted like.

It was progress. Here Arendelle stood. She only wished the blonde would come back here once she knew of it.

If she was around.

\--

The country of Vora laid claim to everything inside Arendelle’s walls. Joanna bit her tongue as the people carried out cases of the records on the study and the crown hidden on the throne room.

She couldn’t do anything. Even with the bile on her throat, she let them do their job. As long as Nicolai Organisations still had control over the rehabilitation of Arendelle, Joanna would let them.

As long as she could she could wait here, she’d let them take everything.

If there was a curious thing, it was meeting someone who looked entirely like her old friend on their project.

He was smart in his working clothes and even smarter when he spoke, but Joanna was sure he was Lieutenant Matthias. He didn’t look at her like he remembered anything, and due to the pesky fear of never being remembered by the people she knew – especially the one she wanted to see more than anything in the world – Joanna avoided him like the plague.

More curious, the first time Joanna saw the Holy Sceptre again was at the throne room, when the group of archaeologist had stood around it in an awed circle. She knew most of them, having had worked alongside them before, but their fearful silence was a stranger.

Curious, Joanna took a look at wat they were staring at. Doctor Matthew had his hands red and bloodied, the frozen golden sceptre dropped on the floor.

“What happened?” she asked, nearing him and looking at his injury. “Call the medic!”

Matthew just sat shocked, looking at the sceptre like it was a flesh-eating monster. “I… I just touched it! And it burned me!”

The people around them started whispering, one of them exclaiming, “But it’s covered in ice!”

She only realised when she turned her close attention to it, but it, indeed, had been enclosed in a thick sheet of ice, the gold still shining even inside the casing. Joanna felt it rumble, could see the miniscule shaking of the object as it laid on the floor like a forgotten traumatic memory.

It was covered in ice, but this was not her sister’s ice. Her sister’s ice couldn’t hurt anybody.

Joanna furrowed her brows, hands reaching out to touch it. The people yelled at her in alarm, but once her skin made contact with it, she knew where the ice came from.

She jolted her hand back, red and bruising already. Joanna stared at it as the medic arrived and the scientists tried to put it in a case for later reviewing.

Darkness did that, huh?

When they found the blonde on the floor of the cave close to death, Anna couldn’t do anything but cry. They took her back to the castle, weak and fragile, and she didn’t spare the sceptre a thought. The overlooked sceptre was probably taken back by one of the guards. Why it was there on the castle’s throne room was a mystery.

Joanna let them took it. The energy within was sinister and she’d hate for the blonde to see it when she comes back.

It’s not going to be a good memory for her.

\--

She was an honourable guest at Corona High School’s graduation of the class of 2023.

Her department had sold her as the most promising archaeologist after her graduation two years ago, much to her amusement. She’d be promoting her alma matter to the wide-eyed graduates. The drive from Middleton took hours and she was a little bit groggy when she went up the stage, but after her speech, the usual schedule of the celebration continued.

Joanna was falling asleep with her eyes wide open and her back straight as a rod when she was shaken awake by a ghost.

“Christian Lighthorne.”

Joanna stared at him. The boy was surely alive but he looked exactly like a ghost from her past as the presenter called his name and he trotted upon them. Joanna’s mouth dropped as he walked before her without a glance, taking his diploma and posing for a picture onstage. 

Joanna was still in a state of shock as the other graduates passed her. The blond man was lost within the sea of people and she’s left to wonder if she’s seeing things. Kristoff. It was him. Or the reborn him. Joanna wanted to believe it was him either way, his golden hair and goofy grin the exact way she remembered.

He was as charming in his robe as he once was in his suit, and Joanna didn’t even feel the time passed as the ceremony ended in a blink of an eye.

Joanna had known that there was a possibility that she’s a special case, that nobody had remembered their past except her. Seeing someone who looked entirely like Lieutenant Matthias was another blow to her optimism, but she couldn’t let the blond man go without settling her thoughts.

Something inside her had waited for years for a confirmation that she wasn’t crazy. The discovery of Arendelle did that, but as the people around her socialised with each other, she knew that she couldn’t be mistaken.

It was really him.

The Principal of the school had initiated a long conversation with her and as minutes passed and the people left, her hope of seeing him diminished. When the woman tire of talking to Joanna, she sprung in action to try and look for him.

It seemed that she wasn’t the only one waiting.

He stood there, looking over the stage when she found him. Squaring her shoulders, she tapped him on his shoulder and he swiftly turned his head, shock evident in his features.

They stared at each other for a minute. Joanna with a wide smile on her face as she realised he _knew_ and he in silent shock, taking over her appearance with a mouth wide open.

“Hello,” she said, offering her hand. “I’m Joanna Nicolai.”

Christian nodded, a brilliant grin splitting his face before tackling her into a hug. Joy erupted on her chest, finally seeing that he, too, had retained – or remembered – the memory of her.

When he pulled he shook her hand with glee, the great surprise on his face. “Christian. Christian Lighthorne.”

They hugged once again, her hand squeezing his shoulders as she assured herself that he was real. “How long did you know?”

He told her his story, all and everything he knew, his brown eyes holding the same spark she once saw. As their conversation went deeper, they moved in to their current life reluctantly, the past an elephant in a small dressing room.

Joanna told him her age and he sputtered in disbelief, saying she didn’t look a day over eighteen.

Taking the compliment with a smile, Joanna realised how much of her life was spent in the preoccupation of her memories and felt jealousy as she listened to him talk about his own. Was her blonde also moving on with her life? Without her?

“How do you feel about life now?” Christian asked, understanding gaze locked on her. She chuckled guiltily, brushing her bangs to her ears.

“I feel kinda good, I guess?” Joanna started. “But… there’s always something missing. Even when I was a child, with Anna’s memories always looking for something, I always felt… incomplete somehow.”

Christian nodded, sad eyes communicating with her. “Do you know what it is you’re looking for?”

She smiled, staring at the floor. She could feel his longing gaze, but Joanna knew their story had ended long ago. She nodded, biting her lip.

“It’s her, isn’t it?”

Joanna chuckled lightly, feeling the heaviness before her eyes. “I think it’ll always be her.”

“Well, I’ll be.” He patted her shoulder encouragingly. “You really are Anna, aren’t you?”

She laughed, wet tears threatening to fall down. “I just… I miss her so much. She’s the only one I keep thinking about, the only one I want, but I can’t find her even with all my efforts, and I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again.”

Christian smiled at her. “Maybe she just hasn’t remembered, yet?”

“Maybe,” she replied. “I mean… if you remembered, then she possibly could, too, right? I’ll just have to wait.”

“Don’t worry, Jo,” he smirked, the action baffling her. “I bet she’s just around the corner, in a car or something.”

Joanna snorted, wiping her eyes with her palms. “You think, if she remembered, she’d go look for me, too?”

He mulled over her words for moments. Joanna started to doubt he would answer but he grinned at her. “Of course. You two loved each other like hell. If you’re looking for her then I bet my ass she would, too.”

“If she’s even born in this era,” Joanna rolled her eyes. “What are you, eighteen? You’re just a little baby!”

“Excuse you. I’m nineteen,” he scoffed. She laughed at him. “Just because you had a head start doesn’t mean you could make fun of me, Jo.”

“I’m old,” she teased. “I could do what I want.”

“Psh, you’re not even ten years older than I am.”

Joanna winked. “Nine is close enough.”

A silence settled over them, both absorbing each other’s presence. The meeting made Joanna’s heart soar. There’s a chance she could see her again. Kristoff… Christian was there. In that moment, everything was possible.

“I just want to see her again,” she said after minutes, eyes glossing over. “I want… I want to _hold_ her again. Even if she doesn’t remember me, I want to know who she is in this lifetime and get to know her.”

“You will,” Christian reassured. “I’m sure you will.”

Joanna chuckled bitterly. “Yeah. I can’t even remember what her name was. Sometimes I can’t help but think it’s not meant to be.”

Christian looked over his shoulder, pity on his lips. “Elsa.”

“What?” That name made Joanna’s head buzz, sending little jolts of relief on her veins.

He smiled, rolled his eyes, and said it again, louder this time. “Her name was Elsa.”

It was. The name fit right in her every memory. She could hear herself try to pronounce it when she was young, feel herself scream it as she trudged through snow, feel the very word settling on her heart as she kissed her. _Elsa._

That name was inevitably going to turn Joanna in a puddle, her heart in disbelief as that life-long question she had was finally answered. It was like the sweetest drop of honey as it graced her ears, and she couldn’t believe Christian was the only one who could tell it to her.

She was about to give him a teary speech of gratitude when a yell startled her. Joanna looked behind them. Parked on the side of the road with a window rolled down, a woman flailed her arms about outside of a black car like… _like an idiot._

Joanna felt her chest warmed. Heart lodged in her throat, the hidden sun inside finally coming out from the behind the clouds at long last. Her head pounded, not from pain, but from pure, heady delight.

A gorgeous, bright-eyed, blonde-haired idiot.

A gentle smile spread over her lips. She was still reeling from the fact the impact of finally knowing her beloved’s name and there she was. Right there. The woman – God, that was _Elsa_ – stopped for a second and smiled back, the action enough to send Joanna stumbling to the floor. The woman looked at Christian, tapped her wrist to indicate the time and with the dismissive roll of Christian’s eyes, went back inside and closed the window.

Unmoving, Joanna let out a strangled noise, glaring at Christian dumbly. “I… you… uh…”

He shook his head, the wide grin on his face implying a fraud. “I don’t what she did, but I swear she’s normal.”

“Chris!” she screeched, shaking him with tough hands. All that those minutes they were talking and he didn’t say anything?! “What the actual fuck?”

Christian held his hands up in submission, a comic expression on his face. “I was going to tell you…”

Joanna just stared at him. Oh my Lord, this was it. Her eternal prayer and her heart’s greatest desire was here. But she didn’t seem to recognise Joanna. Alarmed, she spun towards Christian. “Do I not look like Anna?”

“What?” he asked, dumbfounded by the absurdity of the question. “You look exactly like her.”

“But… but she didn’t…”

“Didn’t recognise you?” Christian finished for her. With a lost gurgle, Joanna nodded. “She’d never shown signs that she remembers.” She blinked. “But I think she’s slowly getting there.”

Millions of thoughts plagued her mind. What would she say when she meets her? Wait, how could Christian say that the blonde was slowly getting there? What if she never remembered? What if she did and–

“Do you have a business card?”

What kind of question was that? Of course Joanna had a business card. “Yeah, why?”

“Give it to me,” Christian sniggered, holding a palm out.

“Why?” Joanna’s brain cells had been evaporated into nothing, her head still rejoicing and panicking at the same time. It seemed that she was living a dream and Joanna was scared she’d wake up again in a lonely room, alone and confused.

“You’re not going to talk to her now, are you?”

Right now? No. Joanna couldn’t. She’s still so out of it. Meeting Kristoff sent her head soaring through the skies, seeing _Elsa_ melted her brain. No, she couldn’t.

Joanna didn’t know how she’d react being so close to her once again, wasn’t prepared to be a stranger to the love of her life, her soulmate. Elsa was right there, steps away. Alive, breathing, and still so beautiful. “No?”

“You won’t,” Christian affirmed. “You will give me your business card and we will talk on the phone and we will come up with a plan so you don’t freak her out.”

Joanna scowled, pouting. “I won’t freak her out!”

“That may be,” he countered. “But I’m her older brother now, and even if I know how you were in our past life, I don’t know what you’re like now. I need to make sure she’s safe.”

She opened her mouth to complain but he didn’t let her get a word out before continuing. “Joanna. Look at yourself. You’re panicking. I don’t even need to predict what would happen if you see her up close. Do you want Elsa’s first impression of you in this life to be a crazy psycho?”

“No,” Joanna agreed sourly, seeing every point he’d made. She took a card out from her wallet. “But you have to promise me you’ll call.”

Christian laughed, nodding. He hugged her once last time. “You know you can still trust me, right? Whatever happens.” His eyes turned sullen. “I know how much you want to see her. I understand the pain, the longing.”

Joanna smiled sadly at him. She understood him. Christian still looked at her like she’s his special someone. She wants to feel bad, but her heart couldn’t even think of him, only on the woman on the black car metres away from them. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not,” Christian replied gloomily, but his face still showed gladness over meeting her again. “I swear she’s the luckiest girl in the world. She had you back then and she’ll have you again now.”

Joanna nodded. “She’ll have me forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone's fine and cool xxx


	7. Just Remember

**Chapter 7: Just Remember**

“So your dad thought you were crazy?” Christian asked incredulously. Joanna pulled a face but nodded nonetheless. “That’s… I mean… why?”

“Well,” Joanna said, crinkling her nose as she tried to find the right words to say. “He never said I was crazy… just sick. He’d never say anything that would hurt me, he’s so… thoughtful and loving like that.” Her gaze turned downward, admitting, “And if I’m just going to be honest, I was the one who thought I was crazy.”

Christian’s apartment was spacious enough for her voice to echo through the walls. It gave her a certain kind of melancholy, the one that made you feel detached yet feeling way too much at the same time.

Life was a confusing mess and Joanna’s was filled with little oddballs of memories that were not quite her own but also completely, definitely hers. She asked Christian about it and he said something similar along the lines. Only thing different was he already knew what they were at a young age, the flashes of images a confirmation of what really happened once a long time ago.

He hummed, eyes glinting with an unreadable emotion, but as the seconds passed it became clear to Joanna what it was. It was sympathy.

Just like the one she saw in Kristoff’s eyes when he carried a frail blonde girl into Anna’s chambers.

“Because you didn’t know what’s real? Because you were sure that something just wasn’t right?”

“Yes.” Joanna tinkered with her wristwatch, waiting as the seconds passed into minutes. She thought about the girl that had been Elsa, how she was somewhere in the same city as hers in this moment, and she couldn’t help but still feel anxious, wondering what the girl was doing or feeling at this time of the day.

Christian nodded. “I can’t say I ever thought I was crazy, though I knew something was different about me, especially since when I asked my mom about seeing dreams when awake, she told me it was a daydream and that I could control it how I want.

“But I couldn’t, even when… I suffered through these dreams, I couldn’t change it. Thankfully, I saw _her_ and saw how alike she was to the one in my head. And that’s what made me realise that it was real, that it really happened.” 

Their conversations were filled with sporadic moments of silence that intensified the realness of their reality. One occurred again in that moment, Joanna smiling sadly at Christian as he recalled some not-so-nice memory he had. In attempt to make the mood lighter, the redhead joked, “You’re really hell-bent on not telling me her name, huh?’

“Nope,” he chortled, smirking at her. “You’re going to be the one who finds that out for yourself. Can’t let you make me do all the job, Jo.”

“It’s actually really weird that you are siblings. Would it be too hard for destiny to redo what it did the last time so she could be mine again?” Joanna prattled, a little bit of amusement and annoyance lacing her words.

“No offence, Jo-Anna,” he breathed out as he put a thoughtful finger on his head, imitating a cartoon animation. Joanna squinted at him. “But don’t you think it’s a blessing that… y’know, you guys are not siblings again in this life? I mean… wasn’t that what made everything shit the last time?”

He’s got a point. Again. Christian seemed like he had it all figured out in his head. Joanna deflated, blowing raspberry at him. “Well… yeah, but… okay.”

Christian went to the fridge and threw her a can of beer. When she looked at him questioningly, he only raised his own in a toast and drank.

\--

It was Joana who insisted that the Royal Sceptre be as far as it could from Arendelle.

The dark energy that stemmed from it when she touched it was powerful, her palms still bearing a few scars from when it happened. It was an offering to Darkness and it had corrupted it the way it was known for. Joanna shivered as she thought of it.

As the Supervisor of the project in Arendelle, she had the power to recommend where to put it, the suited business men could do nothing, her influence over Nicolai Organisations and her credibility in decrypting some of the records found on the castle an opponent they couldn’t win over.

When they informed her it was to be put in a museum somewhere, Joanna shrugged her shoulders, wishing to never see it again.

She attributed her fear of the dark to the element of Darkness. It still held a power over her after all this time, but without the reminder of its existence, Joanna thought she could live happily.

“Chris,” she greeted on the phone, the paperwork she was buried in was not making sense with the chaos in her brain. “Can I ask you something?”

“Wait for a second… oh, shit!” he screamed, the shower running in the background. “I got soap in my eyes!”

Joanna cackled in laughter, promising to call back in a few minutes. Her phone rang after approximately five and she chirped, “Hello, Chris. How’s your eye?”

“Red and sore, thank you very much for asking.” She could imagine his eye roll as she forced her laugh down. “What’s the matter?”

“Do you remember who put the Royal Sceptre in display on the throne room?” Joanna looked up to her laptop, the image in the screen taunting her.

“Uh, no?” Christian offered, not knowing where she was getting at. “Wait… the Royal Sceptre?”

“Yes, the long wand thing with the ball on top made of gold? The one that was used in the coronation?” she absentmindedly babbled. “Do you have any idea who brought it back in the castle?”

Christian thought about it for a second before saying no. “The only thing I remembered getting back from the cave was… Elsa. Kai and the court adviser had organised everything while you took care of her but I don’t reckon hearing anything about the sceptre.”

Joanna sighed, still confused. “Queen Anna died when she was thirty, right?”

It was a horrible thing to be talking about. Joanna knew how she fared on the few lonely years without her sister, her soul diminishing into nothing as time passed. Christian coughed uncomfortably, his own memory getting triggered.

“Ah, yes, she did.”

“And what happened after?” she quizzed, trying to draw it everything out in her head. “Who took over the throne?”

“That I can’t answer,” Christian said. “I… the memories… I can’t remember that part.”

Joanna slouched on her seat, dropping her head to the table. She didn’t know why it was such a big deal to her, but she couldn’t take the fact that it was here, in the same world and same time existing with her. There was something malicious with that object, and even if it was an important artefact in Arendelle’s history, Joanna would love it if it just disappeared.

“Sorry, I just saw it again, y’know, when we were excavating things from the castle. It’s just a sad, ugly reminder of what happened,” she whispered, looking up at the small screen in front of her. “I don’t think it’s meant to be here.”

“Might have something to do with your little speech down the cave,” Christian wondered out loud. She asked him to elaborate and he continued, “When we saw Elsa, her power was getting sucked out by the Darkness, right?”

“Yeah?”

“And you said the power of light compels him or something,” he chuckled jokingly, much to Joanna’s dismay.

“Chris! Stop kidding. What do you think it was?”

“I think you made him a deal, but it wouldn’t really hold up because… Anna was dead and I don’t think your magic had reincarnated within you.”

“You’re talking in codes,” Joanna replied, the words not making sense.

Anna did try to make a deal with Darkness, her life in exchange for Elsa’s, but Darkness didn’t answer, only dwindled down until the whole cave erupted in blinding light.

She wasn’t sure who had done it. Bruni was unable to make lightning, nor the Nokk or the Giants. Perhaps… it was her?

“It doesn’t matter,” Christian said urgently, not leaving any room for arguments. “I can assure you it has no power over you and her anymore.”

Joanna tapped her head on the cold glass table in thought. “But why do I –”

“No. It’s just messing with your head,” he cut her off, tone final. “I’m only looking out for you. Don’t do anything that has to do with that anymore, okay?”

It seemed like, for whatever life she lived, the man before her would always be full of kindness and consideration for what she’s feeling, always would be looking out for her in one way or another.

He sounded like he knew something she didn’t, so Joanna conceded, replying in defeat. “Okay.”

\--

“Anna! Get down, you’ll get hurt!”

She turned her gaze momentarily to her sister who was grasping the rope on her hands tightly, her forehead creased as she worried a lip between her teeth. Anna didn’t know why Elsa had a rope on her hands, then she remembered how she tried to block the entrance to the courtyard with it.

“But Elsa!” she yelled back, not hearing her words as she sauntered to the other side of the tree, her weight shaking the branch below her feet. The view of the town was easily seen from her spot. The setting sun painting the sky with orange and pink and colours that were so entrancing, Anna couldn’t tear her eyes away from it.

“Anna!”

“Fine,” she huffed, finally listening to her older sister who looked like she as going to explode in worry after a good five minutes. Anna dangled her foot to a lower branch and, horribly miscalculating her footing, slipped to the ground.

She was expecting that falling from a tree would be painful, but it was… cold? Anna opened her eyes and saw a lump of snow on the ground, her body buried in it. 

She smiled sheepishly at the blonde as she helped her to her feet with wide, fretful eyes, Gerda’s screaming ringing down the castle like a banshee’s screech.

“You look lovesick.” Christian flipped through the channels, lips broadening in an amused line as Joanna came down from the high of the memory she had seen. “Was it Elsa?”

She giggled, feeling every bit of the child in her dreams. “Yep. This time from when we were younger.”

“Did you do something stupid again?” he teased, earning a throw pillow in the face.

“I… yeah, I did.” Joanna leaned back in her seat and smiled goofily. “I don’t know. Looking back at it now, experiencing it again… I can’t help but admire her even more. She’s always there for me, whether I knew of it or not… I just hoped I could do the same when I had the chance.”

It was true. Joanna had always felt like she had never done enough as Anna for the blonde and wished every second of her waking day since she remembered the memory of Elsa that she could have done something for her.

It always felt like Elsa was there for her. She didn’t know the vastness of the woman’s emotion until she could hear her thoughts down her head, but she was sure her sister had been the purest more selfless person in the world.

The pain, the torture of hearing everyone in her head was always soothed with Elsa’s voice. Joanna knew how Anna found solace with her around. Although that certain power of hearing what people think was invasive, the redhead couldn’t feel any shame for tuning into her head. It was just so… refreshing how someone could be as good as the morning rays of sunshine.

“If only you could read her mind, I’m sure you would see that you did,” was Christian’s unknowing response.

Wait… did Kristoff knew? Come to think of it, she didn’t remember about telling anybody about it. Not Elsa and most certainly not Kristoff.

“Umm,” Joanna dawdled, weighing the consequences of her actions. When she finally caught Cristian’s attention, she steeled her resolve and said, “I kinda… did?”

“You saw that you did look out for her?” He nodded at her. “Atta girl. I was thinking you were an oblivious fool. I mean… you did look for her _twice_ in a blizzard, why the hell would you do that if not to look out for her?”

She… did, didn’t she? Joanna was exactly an oblivious fool, too caught up in her misery to find that she really did make the effort of taking care of her sister… but that was not what she meant. “No, not that part.”

At Christian’s lost look, she bit her tongue in nervousness. “I did read… her mind?”

He didn’t seem to understand her answer. “What?”

This was hopeless. Joanna straightened her back and answered. “Anna did read minds.”

Christian stared at her, unblinking. “What drugs are you on?”

“Christian! I’m serious!” she exclaimed at his disbelieving frown. “I did.”

Although it _was_ very weird saying it. Anna never told anyone, and Joanna thanked God for that. Back then it was a curse, rotting her soul and making her suffer consequently, but now… it’s just almost nothing. A story, a joke, an ugly memory.

“I don’t think you’re recalling the past right.”

Joanna rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her. Thinking of a way to prove that her mind wasn’t making up things, she said, “When we were… when we found Elsa. You were sure that she’s dead the moment we saw her.”

Silence.

“And before that, when we saw her Ice Castle evaporating into the air, you were panicking and was convinced we would never see her again.”

The TV turned off, Christian’s mouth dropping. “I never said… wait, did I… I didn’t! Joanna, what the fuck?!”

Satisfied with his reaction, Joanna smirked. “Believe me now?”

\--

“You’re definitely crazy.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Am not.”

“A hundred percent, you are.”

Joanna sighed and slung her bag on her shoulders. Christian hadn’t moved on from her revelation and until now, their third meeting after she told him, he was still shocked, to say the least.

“Are we going to the museum downtown, or are you going to harass me again?” She raised an eyebrow. Christian shut his mouth.

The Royal Sceptre still bugged her and since, of all places to be in, it was sent here, in Corona, where the blonde lived. Chance was mocking her, making her feel like everything was still so out of her control.

Or maybe it was Darkness.

Giving up thinking about it, she hurried to the door, not letting Christian think of any rebuttals.

Every muscle on her body was screaming at her not to leave. She knew from the last time Christian called that… the reborn Elsa moved in with him, in this very building, and had been sent to the hospital a month ago because she had fainted after what he assumed was a memory. She so badly wanted to see her, to touch her, and maybe… just confirm that the girl was actually okay and was not in any pain.

Joanna held herself back. Cristian already offered her the girl’s pillow as she stared mournfully at his sister’s supposed bedroom door. She also knew she still wasn’t ready to see her, still didn’t have the courage to face the love of her life.

It might be because she felt that she wasn’t enough for her. Here she was, twenty-nine years old, but somehow, Joanna wasn’t proud of what she was. She spent her whole life trying to find her for Pete’s sake, and had barely lived for herself.

Anna had promised her that they would be able to do what they want, but Joanna was scared. Scared that the woman won’t remember her and look at her like the stranger she was, scared that she’d be unable to fulfil her promise.

Joanna was being cowardly and fate had a funny way to show that it had enough of her sulking.

The door opened, barely missing her cheek. Wide blue eyes stared at her, Joanna feeling every nerve in her body sprung alive in glee. Her fingers shook as she took in the sight of the woman, green-blue eyes the size of platters.

Her bangs were swept back, platinum hair tied loosely in a ponytail. Even with little makeup on, Joanna was sure she had never seen anyone in this life this gorgeous. Those blues didn’t lose their beauty in the low light and Joanna could only stare. The woman’s gaze played between her and Christian, before realisation graced her face.

God, thank you! Joanna could finally die in happiness. It looked like she was on the way to it, too, as she felt frozen in her place, just devouring the sight of _her_ blonde.

Joanna knew she was still hers.

“Hi.” The woman said, smiling politely at her as she sent a Christian a look.

Joanna could feel her soul rejoice at that familiar voice, just as sweet as the one in her memories. Breathless as her cold shaky hands felt her cold skin, Joanna could only say, “Hi.”

“I can’t say I’ve heard about you but I think I already know,” she winked, oh Lord, she _winked_! Joanna felt herself turning into mush… wait a second, did she mean… her and Christian? She felt her face fell. “Elisa, by the way. Sister of this buffoon over here.”

Explanations bombarded her throat. No! It was not like what she thought. The blonde didn’t seem to remember her… Whatever, Joanna was not going to let her think they were together. Not in this life. But wait again… Elisa? Oh God, it was just a letter between the letters of her old name but still as wonderful as it had be–

Christian coughed. Joanna snapped back to reality. “Oh, yes, Elisa, of course, yeah. Pleasure to meet you… Elisa.”

Those eyes, Joanna swallowed, they were so _blue_. She blinked. “I’m Jo.”

“Nice to meet you, Jo.” Elisa was surely hypnotising her, the sweet smile on her lips branding itself on her mind. “I would invite you inside but the two of you appeared to plan a little outdoor date so I’m just going to pass quietly here….” She passed between her and Christian, her intoxicating smell assaulting Joanna’s nose. Fuck, she’s so whipped.

“See you again, Jo.”

\--

“Do you think she’s okay now?” Joanna fretted, eyes fleeting to the door. “What if she’s recalling something bad right now?”

“If you’re so concerned, why don’t you see for yourself?”

She glared at Christian’s smirk. Elisa just came home three days ago after going to the museum, yeah, _that_ museum. She had spoken to the Chief Supervisor of the place and bribed him to exhibit the piece at a later date, at least until Joanna was sure Elisa wouldn’t stumble upon it.

Some great malevolent god didn’t want her will to hold up. Christian called her in a fit, filling her up that yeah, Elisa had seen it and yeah, she fainted because she saw it.

“She’s right there, Jo. In the next room. Don’t be a pussy.”

“Hey!” she protested. “I’m not a pussy!”

“Then check for yourself. If she’s okay, she’ll open her door and talk to you. If she’s recalling a memory, seeing you might be useful.” Christian didn’t give her another glance and face-planted on his pillow.

Okay. _Okay._ Joanna was not a pussy. She’s going to knock on Elisa’s room and… and what? Joanna banged her head in the bedpost, already out of ideas.

Wait! She could bring Elisa a drink and try to small talk her way around. That’s it! It’s a useless plan but it would have to do, her mind restless thinking about the blonde. She just had to be subtle about her questioning as to not freak her out.

Elisa didn’t seem to be a coffee person, and if her memory serves her right, she heard Christian teasing her about an empty carton of milk on the fridge. When she reached the kitchen, Joanna took the biggest glass and poured milk on it after contemplating between her choices.

With a deep breath, she knocked on Elisa’s door, bracing herself for what might happen. The door opened slightly and a blue eye peeked out. Realising who it was on the other side, Elisa opened the door wider. “Jo?”

She put on her best killer smile. “Milk?”

“Uh, thank you?”

“You’re welcome,” she replied instantly. “You doing good?”

Elisa licked her lips that was spreading in a wonderful, heart-stealing smile and nodded. “I’m doing fine. I’m just… catching on some TLC before sleeping.”

Joanna chuckled, copying the woman’s expression. “Does… your head hurt often?”

Where the hell did that come from? That was not subtle at all. Why don’t she just ask Elisa if she remembered Anna and Kristoff at this point. Her internal tirade was broken by a pleasant laugh, the blonde’s cheeks lifting as she smiled wider. “Yes, don’t worry. I’m all good. It’s just a one-time thing.”

“Oh, great!” she sighed in relief. “Christian told me about what happened and I’m a little worried.”

Elisa nodded, but her brows furrowed in thought. “Did Chris ask you to give me this?”

“No. He’s fast asleep in his room.” Elisa looked absolutely adorable as her cheeks turned a hue of pink. Joanna didn’t know what brought that on but she absolutely loved it.

\--

Joanna had doubts about it being effective but as she watched Elisa reddened when Christian made a silly excuse of looking for a bottle of water, she was getting more optimistic. The blonde knew something, that’s for sure, as she yelled at her brother’s retreating form. “I… wait!”

She definitely recalled something.

“You okay?” Joanna smiled at her. Elisa only spared her a glance before the colour on her cheeks deepened. _God, why did you make her so cute?_

“Yeah, yeah,” Elisa tried to play it off. “I’m good.”

Joanna was already so curious. What was Elisa thinking about? Had she recalled Anna yet? Ready with a bait, the redhead tried asking a calculated question. “How do you feel about going back?”

Of course. This was home. _Do you remember now, Elisa?_

It didn’t seem like it. Shaking her head, the woman answered with a chuckle, “We’re not even a full day here. I don’t think Christian would let me.”

Joanna only replied with a soft laugh. Elisa had taken a liking to the wooden floor beneath them, her blush never calming down. Joanna felt that there was something going on inside her head, something that was taking the attention of the blonde.

An idea popping in her mind, she looked around. It was a little dark inside and the lack of lighting was bothering Joanna. It probably had an effect to Elisa, too, their souls touched with that horrible element.

“You want to move somewhere brighter? It might help you clear your head.” Elisa looked up confusedly but she was already pulling her to the courtyard. The brightness of the area calmed Joanna and she was about to tell her a story about the castle in hopes of jolting her memory when her phone rang.

“Shit.” Why now? She checked the caller ID and saw that it was her father. She couldn’t very well ignore it. Joanna squeezed Elisa’s hand before saying, “I’m sorry, I will be right back.”

Running off to a distance, she answered it with a frown. “Dad.”

“Joey-bea–”

“Now’s not the time!” She hissed, stealing a glance with the blonde behind her.

She heard him scoff. “I was only going to ask if your… what’s her name? Oh right, Elsa. I was going to ask if Elsa finally remembered you.”

“Dad,” she closed her eyes in frustration but the fondness in her heart was hard to miss. “Her name now is Elisa, remember? And no, she hasn’t yet. I would be on my merry-way helping her out so she could when you called.”

“Oh,” her father uttered in realisation. “Then what are you doing talking to me, then? Get her, Joey-bear _and_ make sure that she’ll be coming with you on the holiday later, okay? I already arranged it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m off – wait – what holiday?” Joanna stilled.

Jude only laughed and said, “I’ll be there so don’t let me down, okay?”

“What holiday? Dad?!” No reply. Joanna looked at her phone. He hung up.

Great! Her father just made sure he would see the object of her life-long obsession. Just great. Now Joanna had to make sure Elisa wouldn’t freak out when a stranger asked her to meet her dad.

When she turned her head around, Elisa wasn’t there in the hallway anymore. Slowly panicking, she let out a relieved breath when she saw the blonde with a security staff talking to her.

She jogged to reach them and heard the latest part of conversation.

“… Josephine Smith? Jolene Waterson? You have to be specific. Who was this and where are they?”

She heard Elisa tried to answer but she cut her off, saving her the trouble. “Joanna Nicolai, ma’am. Jude Nicolai’s Representative and Supervisor of Recover Arendelle ‘18.”

The woman seemed to recognise her. That’s good enough. Leaning forward to her ear, she whispered, “Can you please make sure that nobody can bother us? I would _really_ appreciate it.”

Intimidated enough, the staff walked off quickly with a nod. She turned to Elisa once again, content smile decorating her face. If Joanna could only live in this moment forever, she would love to stay here, staring at her those brilliant blue eyes.

Elisa furrowed her head in thought and something flashed before her eyes. They were quiet for seconds, but Joanna could finally, at long last, see an inkling of recognition settling in those sparkling orbs.

“ _Anna._ ”

Joanna couldn’t help but let out a happy sob. This was it, wasn’t it? The puzzle pieces finally fell back together, her heartbeat resounding through her whole chest. Her beautiful, beautiful beloved had finally remembered her.

She couldn’t explain the emotions that consumed her as Elisa said that name. It was wild, taking everything in Joanna’s soul and burning every piece of doubt and pain into ashes, replacing it with security and warmth.

“I’ve met you once.”

She smiled, her cheeks red from the intensity of it. “You loved me, too.”

Elisa looked like she finally found the answer to an age-old question. Joanna could see, hear herself promising all good things to the woman before her.

She held a hopeful hand out and her heart lurched in joy as Elisa caught it in hers, eyes looking exactly like coming home.

This time, she’d keep it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joanna’s story demands a whole 70k word fic and I gave her four at least, ten at most. It’s unjustified, I know, but damn, this was supposed to be a one-shot! BUT I know I’d be too much of a donkey to not let them have a couple thousand words for reconciliation so y’all can wait for that. There’s only three chaps left. Thank you for reading and reviewing! Those people that’s so very consistent on reviewing deserves a round of applause, seriously (and ten batches of hot cocoa with marshmallows). This is my first fic to ever post so… thank you for being nice, my dudes. Hope everyone’s being safe and warm xx


	8. In The Winter

**Chapter 8: In The Winter**

Elisa glared daggers at Christian, his smirk way too big to even hide behind the cup of coffee he was holding up to his lips. The brightness of the moon lit the side of her face yet the darkness seemed to devour them both in its gravity.

They were in a _very_ nice private jet, sitting across from each other in silence for the past ten minutes. Elisa didn’t know why they were there and where they were going but she knew that Christian had an idea. Once the tour in Arendelle finished as the night falls, he dragged her away from the masses and pushed her to the hangar where the plane was.

It didn’t help the fact that Joanna was busy somewhere with her business, their reunion cut short after hours. Yes, it was hours, three at least, but Elisa felt that it was too short. Her hand lingered as Joanna pulled away with a sad frown on her face.

They didn’t even have a conversation yet. The warmth they shared together on the courtyard was only filled with firm hugs and shy kisses. Elisa had a hard time being apart from Jo, questions still assaulting her head.

But seeing the auburn-haired woman with the liveliest energy she could muster, she didn’t need anything more.

Elisa knew words were not needed. They both _knew_ and the continuous contact of their skin was sufficient. It was enough, and although it didn’t justify the yearning they had for each other, their souls were happy just meeting with each other and finally knowing what they lost.

That didn’t mean Elisa would just take this backhanded blow from Christian. Smiling like a fool as he literally _talked_ to Joanna for months regarding their shared visions, past memories, whatever the hell this was, behind her back!

Elisa stalled.

_Right in front of me with that weird jokes during dinner._

She simmered, wishing she could turn back time so she could slap him in the face.

“You tired of staring at me yet?” There wasn’t an evidence of remorse from his face, only that insufferable grin he had since he saw her and Joanna wrapped in a hug.

Elisa’s eyebrow shot up, her frown deepening. “You’re a piece of shit, you know that?”

He just smiled wider. “Been some time seeing that face, Ice Queen,”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a smug son of a bi–”

“Ah ah ah,” Christian mischievously wagged his finger. “That’s your mother, too.”

Elisa huffed, calming the steam that’s coming out of her nose. The thought, the very thought of Christian knowing _all those times_ was infuriating and she extended her efforts to understand him.

She couldn’t. Okay, she kinda could, but at the same time, she’s so bewildered she couldn’t even think of any way to ask him how and why and when so Elisa just stared at him again with that murderous glint on her eye.

Christian shook his head, setting his cup of coffee on the table between them. “I know, I know. You’re mad because I didn’t tell you.”

He held both hands up in surrender, yet chuckled like he was playing with her. Elisa could feel irritation swept her. “What’s so funny, idiot?”

Instead of answering, he only leaned back in his seat and crossed his legs. When Elisa was sure he wouldn’t answer, she copied his actions with annoyance.

Surreal was an apt word to use in her situation right now. Elisa never realised that the visions she was seeing really concerned her.

It was not like she didn’t think it was possible, it was just that she found herself so different from the one in her head. Of course, the obvious characteristics were already overlooked, but there was something in… in the past her that didn’t really make sense.

It was the guilt, so strong it was overwhelming and the worry that seemed never-ending. The thoughts on her memory belonged to someone ultimately more powerful than any individual in existence, but that person was also so small and timid, that a push would break her spirit. Her heart rejoiced when she finally remembered who her twin-soul was but…

But as much as Elsa loved Anna, it was not her anymore.

It’s so confusing how Elisa could feel exactly like her past incarnate and how different she felt the next minute. It was Elsa. The ice, the cold, the _fear_ but she couldn’t feel it in her to _be_ Elsa. She had been her, but right now, Elisa was different.

Elisa could recall how scared and confused the woman felt, and that her heart was weeping alongside the auburn-haired woman’s, but aside from the love and the fear within her last moments, she had a hard time seeing her thoughts.

Even before then, she could only relate her heart-break with the visions she saw.

Was it wrong? Her fingers ached to touch Joanna, her mind wondering about her whereabouts. Elisa wanted to see her, to touch her, especially now that she remembered most of everything. Was it wrong to give in with what she felt she wanted even if she’s not Elsa or whoever that girl was?

What was it, the feeling she had in her heart? Her mind was trying to make sense of the situation, tying to remove her from it, tearing her from feeling too much, but her soul was reaching out already to cover everything she knew.

Would she be okay? Would they be okay? Joanna promised… no, it was Anna who promised Elsa that they would be okay… it was not Joanna. The trickle of fear inside her was confusing.

All her life, even with those visions, she was sure about who she was. When she remembered Anna, her heart revelled at the beauty the woman personified. What was it in this moment that made her feel insecure?

“ _Damn_ , it’s so dark in here!”

Elisa jumped, Joanna’s exclamation punctuated with the lights turning on. After her heart calmed down by seeing the woman, Elisa couldn’t help but agree. She didn’t realise how dark it had gotten as she spent her minutes inside her mind.

Joanna turned to her immediately, that warm smile on her face again. With how bright it was under the glow of the blaring light above her, the weight on her shoulders lifted.

Doubt slowly rinsed off her body and a small shy smile littered her lips. It was still too much looking Joanna in the eye, her whole presence making the confusing feelings on her chest intensify. Elisa wanted to reach out, to feel her warm skin against her own, but their time apart was enough for the blonde to reign in her emotions, to think.

Joanna could feel her smile dropping when Elisa looked away from her and into her brother, his lazy grin watching the both of them. Was she mad because of the interruption earlier, that she just left without as much as a word?

She sat beside Christian even if the tingle in her skin wanted to do the opposite. Joanna wanted to be next to her, right now at this moment, and probably for the rest of her life.

The air was filled with an uncomfortable silence. Joanna had the best few hours of her life as Elisa looked at her with that recognition and intensity only Elsa did before.

But why was Elisa avoiding her searching eyes?

“Where are we going again, Jo?” Christian asked as the quietness in the room got too much to bear.

She couldn’t care less for his question, eyes cemented to the woman in front of her. Joanna didn’t answer him, reaching a hand out in the table. There was the niggling uncertainty on her chest, an unwelcome visitor that she was already so tired of having.

Elisa looked at her hand and she could count every second it took for those beautiful blue eyes to wander through it to her face. Joanna smiled encouragingly at her, silently begging her to take it.

Familiarity didn’t equate realisation. That was what Elisa was thinking. Of course, she could see the auburn-haired woman before her and she could easily connect it to the Anna in her head, but she knew that even with nothing amiss with Joanna’s appearance, there was something different. It hadn’t sunk in yet, the fact that she’s finally found her.

Elisa took it after seconds, her hand shaking. She was just thoroughly confused by the thoughts in her brain. Along with the light Anna emitted was the deep-seated fear on her heart. Elisa didn’t have that before, but Elsa did.

She guessed she’d just have to learn what it meant.

The night sky was without any stars. Elisa felt her heart sink.

\--

“Does Elisa seem weird to you?”

Christian choked on his burger, hitting his chest with a balled fist as he wheezed for air. Joanna was startled with his reaction, readying a glass of water for the hyperventilating blond. 

When he finally got the obstruction on his throat cleared, he laughed at Joanna’s inquiring gaze. “Chris, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “Just that… that question is such a blast from the past.”

Joanna wasn’t amused, hitting him in the arm. “I’m serious!”

“Whatever, feisty-pants,” he waved her off but nodded at her glare. “Yeah, she’s weird. She’s not talking to you, she’s not talking to me, and she just left in a hurry… what…” He checked the time. “Two minutes ago. Of course, she’s weird.”

“Why do you think she did that?” Joanna dumbly asked.

She knew the answer to that. Elisa seemed lost, like she didn’t know what to do with herself with all the memories she was recalling. Joanna could see it in her eyes, that she didn’t know what to ask and how to ask the questions that’s been bugging her. There was still so much to discuss but they hadn’t had the chance to talk yet.

They were now on a resort somewhere north and even with her dad welcoming them for a great holiday, the redhead had done everything she could so that Elisa and him won’t get the opportunity to talk. That seemed unfair to the blonde, her memories settling in for less than a day.

She was also sure her father would bombard them with questions and it might weird Elisa out.

Joanna couldn’t introduce the topic of the past to her. The warmth of their reunion in the courtyard was replaced with a silent treatment from the blonde. Their flight to this place was filled with uncomfortable silence.

“The question that should be asked is ‘why is Elisa avoiding you?’” He burped. At Joanna’s deadly glance, he closed his mouth. “And why was she on her way out the beach when it’s already dark outside.”

“She wants some space to think,” Joanna said. “I don’t think we should be worried.”

“But you are,” he pointed out. She slumped down her seat. He took a peek at the window beside them. “Does your father have red hair, too?”

“Yeah, you saw him earlier, right?” she answered absentmindedly, thinking of ways to ask Elisa what her mind was busy telling her. “Why?”

“He’s talking to Elisa.”

It took a moment before Joanna could process the information and she jumped in her seat, looking at the window of the diner they were in. “What the hell?”

“Pft,” Christian blew, air whistling through his teeth. “Why are you so nervous about them talking? Is your dad a psychopath?”

Offended, Joanna pinched the skin on his arm. Christian yelped in surprise and slapped her hand away. “Fuck, no! He’s normal. Wonderful actually.”

“Then what are you scared of?”

“I’m scared that dad would tell her something that I, for the life of me, don’t want her to know.”

“Like what?”

Like how she literally had spent her whole life trying to find her, confused and hurting in all ways except physical. Joanna had been in this same boat before, wondering nervously what it all meant. Right now, she was sick to her stomach. Why was Elisa not talking to her?!

She couldn’t be mistaken. Elisa had known who she was and what she remembered, but why was the blonde so adamant in not sparing her a glance?

\--

“I’m Jude,” the man wearing a bohemian shirt said as he enthusiastically shook her suddenly boneless hand. “Jude Nicolai, Miss Elisa…?”

Elisa shook herself awake from her incredulous trance. The man’s appearance screamed ‘stereotypical laidback dad’ and she couldn’t get over it. With a laugh, she said, “Elisa Lighthorne, Mr. Jude.” 

“Oh, don’t,” he chuckled. “Just call me Jude… or dad if you prefer.”

Elisa’s eyebrows shot up, not believing her ears. He only smiled at her, putting a hand on her shoulder as he ushered her along the beach. She nervously laughed at him. “You’re… Joanna’s father, right?”

“The one and the only.”

Elisa nodded, feeling every bit awkward. It was not that she thought Jude was weird, it’s just that he was looking at her like the answer to all his existential questions.

She didn’t think her face was that substantial to prompt such expression.

“Umm,” she started, coughing after a few seconds of nothing. “So what do you do?”

The breeze was cold and as they walked upon in a companionable air. They were already quite far from the diner they came from. She saw Jude earlier when they landed, him giving Joanna one of the tightest hug she’s seen, but as he stalked purposely at her, the auburn-haired woman clutched her arm and pulled her away from him.

“I’m the Chief Executive Officer of Nicolai Organisations, had been for more than twenty years.”

Oh. Elisa looked at his shirt and the glasses hanging from it. That was… unexpected. Nicolai Organisations, huh?

“Do you like your job as CEO?” Elisa asked, surprised by the revelation.

Jude nodded with a huge grin. “Well, yes, of course. It’s a job like no other, after all. Hard, but I’ve known it for decades, when it was still a local company until now where… it focuses within the needs of the international market.”

At Elisa’s confused blinking, he added with a wave of his hand, “Mostly just stocks. And investments.”

If she heard correctly, Joanna was working under his name and a supervisor of some sorts. Elisa reckoned that she read that name in the pamphlet, too. Voicing her thoughts, she said, “The company is also the one responsible for the… tour in Arendelle, right?”

“Short answer, yes.” Jude stopped for a moment and looked at the serene waters before them. At Elisa’s hopeful gaze, he continued. “Long answer… yes with an odd reason.”

Prompting him with a tilt of her head, he took a deep breath and started talking. “Ever since Joanna was just a little girl, even before she walked, something was different about her. Her first word was snowman which by itself was not weird but if you take into account that we lived in a city where we’d never experienced white Christmas or experienced anything snow related… it’s going to make you curious.”

Elisa could relate to that. She’d only seen snow once in her life and feeling every bit of home in its surroundings was, in one way or another, weird. She never amounted it to anything but childish wonder but with everything that’s happened this day, Elisa wouldn’t be surprised if the man walking his husky on her far left was actually an extra-terrestrial.

“She said she was seeing something that wasn’t there.” The blues on his face was indescribable, like it had been his life’s trouble. Elisa could only sympathise in silence. “We had been to numerous doctors in her first five years but still, Joanna didn’t believe them, didn’t even try to resist the pull of these… visions. And then one day they stopped.”

“The visions stopped?” Elisa carefully asked. Jude was at a loss for words as he stared at the benign waves on their feet.

Jude nodded solemnly. Elisa didn’t know why he was telling this story to her, but she was morbidly curious, wanting every piece of information he was sharing to for herself. Joanna had never been so interesting before but she was the sole reason Elisa could think right now.

“Her therapist thought the medicines finally worked, I thought so too.” He stared into her eyes, a lightning rod of pain drawn at his very irises. “I was so happy. Finally, the nervous tics, so bad it hurts not only her but also me, stopped. She had always been so bright, but without the hallucinations, she was iridescent.”

Elisa’s heart dropped. It was that bad? She imagined a little auburn-haired girl, crying from the terror on her head. Elisa had seen one of the worst of these visions and she could only thank whatever Gods right now that she had never realised the true depth of it all at such a young age, or ever except this moment at all.

“Joanna knew these visions to be real, believed in it like she was the one who was always looking for this _someone_ , that she was actually in a kingdom called Arendelle. She has such a strong grasp on what this… Anna was and who she was to everyone around her. It was her perfect little world where she was absolutely immersed in it, living it day by day as it went through her head.”

There was a certain atmosphere with the events in her visions. It was cloudy, doused in smoke like a dream sequence being recalled while she was awake. Elisa could confess that it took hours off her waking moments, but she was always able to shake it off like an intrusive daydream that’s only there to fill her overactive brain in the idlest of times. The thought that Joanna, _her sweet little Anna,_ was robbed of that ability angered her, made her feel the weird, nostalgic fear locked inside her memories.

It was almost too much. Just like when she… when _Elsa’s_ heart broke and the cold swept her insides like a tidal wave of freezing waters, Elisa’s chest froze, little by little, until Jude opened his mouth to continue his story.

“I didn’t know when it started, but nine years ago, before I was smacked with the reality of her situation, she relapsed.” Elisa didn’t like that word. It sounded like he was thinking that Joanna was sick, unhealthy. She swallowed the lump on her throat as he continued. “Compared to her eleven-year-old self, Joanna was more capable. She graduated college at just eighteen years old, and she was getting all kinds of offers from around the globe. I was glad that she had not suffered the consequences of her past but, when I saw her drawing that damned snowman, I knew it’s happening again.”

Whoever that damned snowman was, Elisa knew they were a sweetheart. The passion in his voice was tugging her memories to the surface. She wanted to defend Joanna, defend the snowman he was talking about and it was all so personal all of the sudden.

Like it was not about the past, that it was about her and Joanna and everything they could ever be. Her head throbbed in thought, her mixed emotions floating in her consciousness. 

“But I had confiscated all her plans on finding this Arendelle, and it was so, so much for me to think that she was crazy so I… I hired some people to study her research works, her drawings. I never stopped feeling silly all the while I did that, but… but Joanna never stopped from crying. I took her to the doctors and she acted like she was better after that but…” Jude hiccoughed, the obvious wetness in his eyes threatening to spill at any moment. “But every time I visit her room she was crying, or look so sad she would break that I was willing to fool myself that she was somehow, someway right.”

Elisa had her eyebrows furrowed deeply. Imagining Joanna’s pain and Jude’s… it’s becoming overwhelming. In a fit of courage, she announced certainly, “She was.”

The laugh from Jude was a combination of happiness and bravado. Nodding, he confirmed, “Yes, she was…”

There it was again. That look that exalted Elisa above everything in his eyes. “When they found Arendelle, it was nothing but an uncharted ruin, but I don’t think that was the proper word – it was barely touched by time, nothing ruined in its appearance. It matched everything from Joanna’s drawings and I was immediately filled with awe and disbelief. I told her about it and she just managed through the place like she was the one who made it. She knew every nook and cranny, and the letters that was almost outdated… Joanna had translated and explained what they were easily.”

“Seeing Arendelle, even if that place was exactly like what she’d drawn, I wasn’t convinced. It could be all just a trick, she might’ve seen it somewhere, but I couldn’t deny how strange it was that she just… knew. With her being hands-on with the project, I saw how Arendelle was her whole life. She never stopped being Anna and when I saw that her happiness was a step closer, I believed whole-heatedly. I can see it after that, Joanna as a person way before she’s become my baby.”

He might be comfortable sharing all of that with Elisa but the blonde had stopped giving a willing ear after ten-minutes of his narrative. Friendly wouldn’t even begin to describe him, he’d literally deposited Joanna’s entire life story in just under thirty minutes.

It felt wrong, hearing that from him and not from Joanna. Jude had finally revealed the woman’s secrets and Elisa didn’t feel good. Damn, it was like a rollercoaster ride from start to finish. Captivated by the thought of knowing Joanna better at the start, then right now, feeling all sorts of negative emotions. She was starting to believe that nothing was real anymore.

It was the best description of what she was feeling right now. Jude seemed far away, but he was touching her shoulder like the proudest father to ever walk the Earth. It was there, the cold dread in her stomach. Elisa blamed herself for the pain Joanna had. No, actually, she blamed _Elsa._

She had no hand in the woman’s misery but Elsa did. She was the one who knew Anna first, the one who loved her like no other, and she was the reason why Joanna could not let go of the past.

This shouldn’t be happening again.

Elisa felt like she lost her sense of balance and was currently tipping on her momentum, like the floor was giving out from under her at any given second. Darting her eyes to Jude and the charged silence that was growing slowly around them, the convening darkness was quickly swallowing her whole.

“Even now, I can only feel happiness. More so that I’ve seen you. Did you know that she drew you and, I have to say, she got everything about your features correct. You’re exactly how I’ve seen on paper.”

It was the sudden change in the air that made Elisa ask, “Why are you telling me all this?”

The elation on his eyes was a splitting image of Joanna’s. “Because you’re finally here! You could finally make her happy. She was so caught up with the memory of you and now that you’re here, she will be more than willing to stay here, in this life, with me and everyone who loves her. I thought Joanna being in Arendelle was the best moment of my life for never I have seen her smile like she’s finally complete. I was wrong.”

How could someone be so clueless? Elisa had no idea she was the picture of the perfect fool. Her lips parted, and the jovial laughter from Jude was sending her spinning. For some odd reason, though not an unimportant one, she had both hands in how Joanna lived.

“It’s seeing her with you earlier,” he sighed, tightening his grip on her shoulders. “That’s the happiest I’ve seen her.”

“Yeah,” was the cheerless response.

“Can you promise me one thing, Elisa?”

Blinking her eyes and smoke engulfing it, she let out a shaky breath. It had gotten colder, much, much colder, and Elisa could only wonder what made that change. There was no breeze at this exact moment. Maybe it was his question that dumped a load of cold air in her direction.

_As the big sister, you’ll have to protect her. Can you promise me that?_

“W-what is it?”

Jude smiled at her, the crinkles on his eyes indicating an approving expression. “Can you please take care of her?”

\--

Jogging to the pair on the beach, Joanna could feel the change in the mood as she approaches.

She heard her father laughed and Elisa’s obviously forced smile. The expression didn’t sit well with her and she quickened her pace.

“Dad!” she whined, lightly hitting him in the arm. “Don’t scare her!”

He only shook his head, pulling a childish face at Joanna. “But I’m not. I’m only talking to Elisa about how happy I am with meeting her.”

Her dad _looked_ happy, like he had a heavy load taken of his shoulders and was beaming like Joanna had only seen on her parents’ wedding photo. His joy brought about a lightness on her chest. She smiled at him.

There was a strangled grunt from Elisa. Joanna turned to her, full attention and attentive eyes. Elisa didn’t seem happy.

In fact, her forehead was scrunched together in a way that indicated anger or deep disappointment. Elisa had her eyes trained on Joanna’s face and it was unsettling, the way her breath comes laboured as she stared at the redhead like the greatest regret of her life.

As they looked into each other’s eyes, it mirrored what happened once upon a time. The blood of the ambassador on the floor was shimmering under the afternoon sun blaring at the windows. Kai and everybody else were outside the room, but the stress in the room was apparent.

Their conversation proved nothing, meddling up their situation worse because of untold admissions and misunderstanding. At one last action, Elsa shook her head.

Elisa did the same thing.

Joanna knew exactly what’s going to happen next.

The flow of blood from the blonde’s nose was terrifying. Elisa took a step back, eyes switching from her to her father.

Putting an assuring hand up was a mistake. Elisa shook out of her trance, panicking as Joanna took a careful step towards her. Turning around in a second, she took off leaving two flabbergasted gingers.

This couldn’t be happening. Joanna just found her! Why was she… why was she running away from her again?

Joanna opened her mouth, her heart falling apart and up to her throat. Jude looked at her reproachfully. “What the hell are you doing here?”

What?

“If you don’t want to let her go again, I think you should…” He rolled his eyes as Joanna waited, utterly oblivious of what he had to say. He gestured to the retreating form of the blonde. “… follow her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What? ‘Couple thousand words for reconciliation’? I never said that! You’ve been bamboozled, my dudes. 
> 
> Stay happy and safe everyone! xx


	9. Far Beneath The Bitter Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as what they say, a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.

**Chapter 9: Far Beneath The Bitter Snows**

What a fucking joke.

It had always been like this. Always her looking, yearning for Elsa. It’s Elisa now, the one she was running after, but destiny’s joke of this never-ending chase was starting to piss her off.

“Elisa, stop!”

There was only the moon’s light guiding her and it painted the whole scene in an ugly colour. It was so freaking dark and she was starting to get tired, of what she had a huge idea of. It would probably be easier to run after Elisa if her lungs were not burning in annoyance (and a mournful frustration that was slowly eating her away) because _damn._ Girl didn’t know how to run or had never done cardio her entire life.

She was barely out-of-breath. This was hardly a chase. Joanna was walking fast, jogging at most, and if she exerted any bit of effort she could definitely catch up to the blonde.

But she wanted Elisa to be the one to stop this game that they had been playing for far too long. Joanna wanted her to be the one that would stop on her tracks and _return_ to her, where she belonged.

Joanna’s really getting wonderfully pissed off.

“I swear to God, Elisa!”

That tone of voice made her stop but only for a second. Elisa could feel the stupid pain in her head throw a party, inviting its horrible friends, humiliation and anxiety, in her headspace.

Joanna didn’t sound upset. She sounded utterly mad, like if she gets her hands on Elisa, she would rip her legs off so she couldn’t run anymore. It was an entertaining thought, but it was no match for the storm of emotions in her chest.

Elisa couldn’t destroy her life again.

It was shame, the one she was feeling this whole time. Elisa was happy, but she, herself, didn’t want to be. She had no right, after everything she had done to the woman, she didn’t deserve to have her again.

She didn’t want to be the one who broke her heart, didn’t want to be the one Joanna _wanted._ It had only caused the auburn-haired woman pain. Elisa’s love was not an antidote but a poison.

God, how she loved Joanna. Not for anything she said or did, although that played a huge part, but for the simple fact that she was Anna. And with Jude’s story, how she never stopped being Anna.

“Elisa.”

Her name being called like that, full of longing and dissatisfaction, was enough to put a full stop on her pace. Fuck! Her head hurts so bad. The tears on her eyes made Joanna’s form blurry as she looked at her. “Joanna. Please.”

“Please what?” Elisa thought she had put a fair amount of distance between them and was surprised with how quick Joanna got up to her face.

She had only a couple seconds to make up a lie, to turn Joanna away. Frowning, she answered, “Stop it. Leave me alone.”

“But why?” she yelled. “I thought we’re okay, Elisa!”

Didn’t they just have the most heart-warming reunion earlier today? Joanna had held her, kissed her so sweetly, and Elisa gave it so willingly and more. What the hell was she thinking again?

The blood streaming down her nose was seriously making Joanna panic. Elisa sobbed, the sound conveying every heartache she felt.

“I’m… I’m not her anymore,” she stuttered as she wiped the tears on her face, eyes gleaming with desperation. “I’m not Elsa, Joanna.”

What was this all about? She paused. “What?”

“I’m not _her._ I don’t want to be her.” Swiping her nose with the back of her hand, Elisa gestured towards Joanna, green eyes locked on the dark colour staining her skin. “You… and you’re not Anna either. Not anymore.”

“So?” she challenged, hands closing on pale wrists possessively. “Yes, we’re not. You’re Elisa and I’m Joanna. We’re not in Arendelle anymore. We’re in a damned secluded island in the middle of the night because _you_ took off like a wild ocelot for no reason at all.”

“Joanna,” Elisa grunted, pleading at her. “It’s already done. _Our_ story, our life, was done a very, very long time ago. We don’t need to be those people anymore.”

“And?”

Okay. Joanna was now angry. Elisa made it sound like _their_ story didn’t matter, that their love was nothing to her now. She wouldn’t accept this. She had spent all her life trying to find her and she’s never ever going to let her go again.

“And…” That rendered Elisa speechless. No other words could come up to her mouth and she huffed in exasperation. “And we… we don’t…”

Ah, shit. She’s ran out of useless things to say. Elisa knew Joanna wasn’t fazed by anything she’s saying. Like she knew exactly what’s going on inside her head, reading every thought that graced her mind.

Just like…

“You know I don’t believe that right?”

She shut her mouth, reddening because of irritation. “Anna! I don’t care if you believe it or not. You just have to follow what I said and forget this whole thing ever happened.”

“Yeah,” Anna snorted, rolling her eyes. “I just have to _obey_ what you said like the obedient girl I am, right?

Anna wasn’t obedient at all. She was the most determined, stubborn person she knew and her answer was nothing but a sarcastic retort to her flimsy, unreasonable request.

But as much as Anna was certain that no, she didn’t really regret their ‘affair’ or whatever this shitty setup was, Elsa was more defiant than what her sister thought.

“ _Yes!_ Because as much as –” _I wanted it_ “a-as long as we do this, it’s only going to get harder to stop.” _And I don’t want to hurt you when the time comes._

“But we don’t have to! We’re not hurting anyone, Kristoff already knows and while he wasn’t entirely too happy about it, he _understands,_ Elsa!”

That poor lad. He was such a good man and Elsa couldn’t believe she just stole the love of his away with her perve-

“And _no,_ this love, _our_ love is not perverted in any way, shape or form. This is not born of lust, or greed, but of adoration and care. You don’t even want to touch me, and you won’t even let me touch you because of some principles you hold like it would literally save us from damnation.”

Elsa sighed, her determination wavering. Even now, in the middle of an intense fight about their relationship and the new turn it took, she couldn’t help but admire Anna. She had always been so perceptive, more so than she could ever be, and her words always made sense. It only made her love her all the more. Anna was a bright burning sun, washing her fears away in her broad daylight. Elsa never felt anything so stunning. If only they could continue this…

“No, Anna. I was wrong for letting this happen in the first place. I… as the older sister, I have to stop this… this…”

“This love?” Anna shook her head, a subtle smile on her lips. Elsa wondered what brought that upon. “ _This_ love won’t ever be stopped. It’s never going to go away. You can try to make it stop, hide it away like something to be ashamed of, but we both know it won’t.”

That astounded Elsa. It might be because her heart wanted to give in and let Anna carry away all her fears, the love in her chest shining bright. It might also because she was somehow enlightened. Anna’s eyes were overflowing with so much love and understanding that anything she’d say, Elsa would believe.

“I know my love for you won’t ever leave, Elsa.”

Elisa took a deep breath, her insides sweltering from her declaration.

“No offence but you’re not going to get rid of me that easily, if at all, with… whatever you’re doing right now.”

What was she doing? Elisa blinked, rubbing the fog from her eyes. It didn’t leave completely. Joanna was there right in front of her, her thumb swirling circles on the inside of her left wrist, but the blonde knew, even if they barely had a proper conversation where they actually _talked,_ that the woman was once upon a time her one great love. Until now, where they were strangers with a lengthy history.

Her love wouldn’t leave, too, whatever happens.

There was a warmth that couldn’t be shaken off from her limbs. No fear, no hesitation, just uninhibited love. Her admitting it was all it took for the guilt to go away.

Elisa stared at blue-green eyes. They twinkled bright, lighting Joanna’s face in such way that the blonde thought she was an angel fallen down. It was comforting, and enlivening every nerve in her body with so much warmth that she was sure she’d be sweating in a second.

_God,_ how could she be so stupid?

It’s never going to leave, whatever she does, this love coating her chest, her heart, could never leave. It was in their soul, painting it with colour bright enough that they shined in a kaleidoscopic flare against the darkness, submerging them in gold. Untouchable, invincible. 

Joanna was starting to get uncomfortable with Elisa’s silence. A beat passed, then two, before the most beautiful smile in the whole wide world graced the blonde’s face. “Okay.”

Relief was too weak of a word to describe the melting away of the heaviness in her heart, in her very _soul._ Her whole face lightened up, Elisa’s one-word response uplifting her spirit that was getting beat up by the darkness surrounding them.

In fact, her fear of the dark seemed to disappear entirely at this moment, Elisa’s eyes shining with unconditional love and acceptance. Joanna felt the edges of her lips stretch, an untamed smile appearing confidently on her cheeks.

“Okay?”

Elisa rolled her eyes, pearly whites biting her lip to stop the face-splitting grin on her face. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Joanna giggled. Her palms cupped Elisa’s cheeks, directing her gaze towards her.

The blonde nodded, a happy laugh escaping her throat. “Yeah. I guess we could stay.”

“Together?”

For the first time in Joanna’s life, she could finally say that, yes, definitely, certainly, without any repercussions, she was happy.

“Until forever is over.”

That was what she wanted hear. Joanna knew Elisa was recalling a memory when she stilled firmly for a moment. She knew the blonde had finally figured out the mess in her head, and even if she couldn’t read her mind anymore, she was sure it’s full of wonderful things. Elisa leaned towards her, catching her lips in a searing kiss. Returning it with fervour, Joanna circled an arm around her neck and _breathes._

She smelled of mint and vanilla, like a peaceful afternoon tea meant to have before getting to fall asleep in her lover’s arms, and a bit like… blood.

Her eyes opened, pulling away from Elisa at once. Wide blue eyes looked at her questioningly.

“I… you’re… your nose is bleeding!”

Actually, it stopped already. Elisa pointed that out curiously, running a finger on her upper lip.

“But it was bleeding!” Joanna grabbed her chin upwards, the blonde squeaking in protest. “Does that happen often?”

Elisa slapped her hands away, regaining control of her face. “No, it doesn’t.”

Joanna licked her thumb and cleaned the blood on her nose and cheeks. Elisa smiled at her, fond all of the sudden. “What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to get blood off your face, Elisa,” she explained as if to a toddler. “Does anything hurt?”

Elisa laughed, louder this time, and gave a shake of her head. “No, Joanna, nothing hurts.”

Her eyes were glinting with worry, gently removing the unwanted dirt on Elisa’s face. It only took now for Elisa to realise that she needed to tilt her head up slightly to meet those beautiful greens. She pursed her lips, the action getting the attention of the auburn-haired girl.

Elsa used to be taller, but Elisa liked the new difference. It made everything clear. They were not their past selves anymore. They were new people, strangers, but at the same time, they would always be meant to be together. Whoever they were and whoever they would be.

“Are you babying me?”

Joanna scoffs, the smirk on her face making Elisa’s eyebrows rise. “You _are_ a baby.”

“I’m nineteen!” The blonde squinted her eyes. “Pretty sure you’re not even five years older than I am.”

“Believe what you want, Elisa.”

“What?” Elisa’s eyes raked over her form incredulously. “Don’t tell me you’re sixty-years old.”

This was a moment she’d never forget. Joanna had never been one to wander around in the dark on her own, but right now, she knew she would never be alone again. Elisa’s hand had taken purchase on her arm, not quite gripping, but touching her softly. “Half that and you’ll get it right.”

Arching a blonde brow, Elisa smiled. Pulling her back once again in her arms, Joanna whispered, “I love you.”

“We haven’t even been on a date yet,” Elisa quipped but the sincere confession made her melt in Joanna’s arms.

Laughing, Joanna closed her eyes, cherishing the tender hug. “I don’t think we need to go in one.”

\--

“Tell me,” Elisa said, inspecting the heavily guarded door before her. “Do you have any plans of letting me out alive from here?”

There were four men standing guard outside the hotel room. Their more than six-foot height all covered in black like they were in a not-so-secret mission. Jude opened the door with a wide grin and Elisa hesitantly stepped inside the room at Joanna’s tug.

“With how much of a flight risk you are, you’re lucky I’m not chaining you up for good.”

Elisa sent her an unamused glare, sitting carefully at the couch beside a permanently smirking Christian. His face was probably stuck with that expression forever. The blonde had never seen it fade from his lips the whole day. “Really?”

Joanna guffawed, beaming at her father as he gave her a proud pat in the shoulders. “Nope. That’s for dad. He’s been having troubles sleeping at night because of how rich he is.”

Ah. That made sense. Jude was a CEO, of course he’d need guards. Elisa nodded, feeling a little too uncomfortable with all eyes on her.

“What?”

In sync, they all turned away.

Clearing her throat, Joanna nudged her father. “Can you call a doctor here? Elisa’s having nosebleeds.”

Christian chuckled, checking Elisa’s face for any evidence of the condition. “You okay?”

Rolling her eyes, Elisa huffed, relaxing on her seat as she shook her head in disbelief. “Yes, I’m fine. I don’t think we need a doctor. I was just… stressed.”

But Jude was already on his way outside to call for help. Joanna sat at her other side, wondering. “Does that happen often?”

“I told you, it doesn’t.” Elisa tapped Christian on the chest. “Ask him.”

“It doesn’t. She faints a lot, though.”

With that, Elisa hit him in the arm causing a pained yelp from him. Joanna scowled in worry. “Have you got that checked out?”

“Yes,” Elisa answered exasperatedly. “They didn’t find anything. It’s just flashbacks, nothing big.”

Okay. That made sense. Joanna, when she was younger, experienced the same thing. Nosebleeds, fainting, being too cold she’s scared of contracting frostbite. She felt Elisa leaned on her shoulders and the action soothed her so much she fell back with her.

“You sure?” Joanna whispered, fingers entangling with Elisa’s. “A hundred percent sure?”

With the slight movement of a blonde head, she smiled serenely. This was what happiness means. Just… leaning into each other in silence. No words were spoken, but they both know each other understood. It was a long plight but at the end of the day, it was still going to be them.

Elsa and Anna. Elisa and Joanna. Together. Not even death could ever part them.

“I’m hungry.” The moment was shattered by Christian, shoving his face in front of them. “Do you have food here?”

Way to ruin Joanna’s sweet rumination. With a frown, she asked, “Why are you here again?”

Elisa giggled as Christian pulled an offended face. “I’m Elisa’s chaperone. Can’t have you humping like bunnies when you just met properly hours ago.”

That turned the blonde’s reaction around. Mouth dropping open at the vulgar expression, Elisa stared at him, scandalised. “Oh my God. Cristian!”

“What?” he innocently asked. Joanna couldn’t stop the grin on her face. Elisa looked so adorable, red flushing her cheeks and the faux-anger in them. Green met blue.

“Hey!” Elisa chided once she saw the shit-eating grin she had.

Oops.

“That’s a given. We definitely would have.” No, they wouldn’t. As if Elisa would let their first time be on a dark, sandy beach. But damn, Elisa was literally a sweet little baby, so pure and innocent and _red_.

“ _Joanna!_ ” Elisa screeched, standing up and muttering a prayer for the two.

The auburn-haired woman had to stifle her laugh as Elisa turned and swatted her arm. She smirked at Christian. “I mean… we’ve been alone for hours. As far as you know we already did.”

“ _Oh my God.”_ Elisa sat back down heavily, glaring at her. With the intensity of her gaze, Joanna would be pulverised if she didn’t remediate her joke. Chuckling, she wrapped the prissy blonde in her arm and shushed her. “Don’t worry. Elisa wanted a date first.”

Christian winked. “Atta girl.”

Elisa couldn’t believe her ears. Here she was with only people who had known and seen everything their old lives had been and was casually _teasing_ her. And to think these two used to be married.

She was saved from more embarrassment when the door opened, Jude and a very familiar man walking in. “Look who I found having an unfiled vacation.”

Elisa studied him. Black, greying hair and dark brown eyes smiling at her. She turned to Joanna with a startled look. The woman only answered with a shrug and a shake of the head.

It was him. Lieutenant Matthias.

As their new audience chatted with each other, Elisa whispered, “Is… is that him?”

Joanna closed her eyes, tapping her temple with a finger. “I think so? We worked together on site, umm, in Arendelle, and I’ve talked to him, but I don’t think he… remembers anything.”

“That’s unfortunate,” Christian commented, eavesdropping on their conversation. “Is he okay, though?”

“Yep,” Joanna answered. “He’s the head archivist, very smart man.”

And that was the end of it. Jude ushered Matthew on the couch and he greeted them with a big smile. “Miss Joanna! You were just on the opening hours ago, right? How did you get here?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Doctor.”

“Well, you’ve got a point there.” He nodded goofily as his eyes scrutinised the two blondes watching him in awe. “I see you’ve got visitors… or family?”

Elisa and Christian looked at each other before turning to him with an unspoken conversation done. “Christian, sir, and my sister, Elisa. We’re, ah, friends.”

He pursed his lips, tilting his head in acknowledgement. He offered a hand to the both them. Christian shook it firmly, but when it was Elisa’s turn, Matthew held her hand a little softer, squeezing it in thought. “Nice to meet you.”

It was not only Elisa who noticed the warmth in his eyes, but also Joanna. They locked gazes before Jude announced that the doctor would arrive at any moment after he checked his phone. “Sit tight, Elisa. Do you feel fine now?”

Everyone’s asking her how she felt that Elisa couldn’t help but ask herself if she really was fine. Did she look sick? Truth be told, Elisa never felt better. The ball of anxiety on her chest had dislodged from her ribcage and she was greedily basking in the warmth of security this situation. When she took too long to answer, Joanna held her hand between hers, sharing a soothing smile that only brightened her demeanour.

“I am, Mr… uh…” Elisa recalled their conversation earlier. She didn’t know what to call him. Jude would be too impolite and… dad would be too… actually, to hell with it. It’s not like they’d be getting rid of her anytime soon. “I’m fine, Dad.”

Joanna’s mouth unhinged comically and Christian sniggered, burbling something about her being way overconfident jokingly. Jude, however, had the broadest, proudest grin on his face, looking like he was about to cry.

Matthew swivelled towards Elisa, confused. “Wait, are you sick? There’s a small hospital on the edge of town ten-minutes away. I can call the ambulance if you like.”

“No, that’s not needed. I called and they already had someone come over here. I can’t have Elisa travelling in that state.”

Seriously, did she look sick? Elisa turned to Christian, asking for an honest to goodness comment. “Do I look… sick?”

Her brother hummed. “Not more than usual.” A strong punch on his leg made him yelp. He rolled his eyes. “No, you look okay.” 

“We’re just concerned,” Joanna told her, brushing blonde bangs out of her eyes. “Your nose was bleeding.”

It’s just a nosebleed! Elisa sighed resignedly, draping her arm over her eyes as she leaned back. Fine, she’d let them fuss over it until they’re satisfied. Whatever that could stop them.

“I heard my grandma talk about some weird superstitions. Maybe you’re just in love?” he wiggled his eyebrows making Elisa blush.

Joanna face-palmed so hard everybody looked at her. “Dad, you’re embarrassing.”

“What? I had one when I was a little boy and grandma slapped me across the face and told me to stay away from girls.”

“That’s probably because great grandma was abusive, not because of your nosebleed.”

“Great grandma wasn’t abusive, she’s just a little weird. That’s all,” Jude countered, justifying his grandmother’s actions with an obnoxious frown.

Matthias gave a hearty laugh at their exchange. “Yeah, grandmas are a little weird. Mine said they had something to do with your past life.”

The trio on the couch hushed.

Jude chuckled at their reaction, shaking his head warmly. “Nosebleeds mean what according to her now?”

“Oh, well,” Matthew laughed, his eyes seemingly trained at the two girls. “She said that if someone made a promise with their dying breath, their current self must do anything to fulfil it, and when they do something that opposes that promise, their brain short-circuits, thus the nosebleed.”

Christian looked at him incredulously. That didn’t make sense. “I think that’s bullshit.”

“Same,” Joanna seconded before halting and glancing at Elisa. “Right?” 

An affirmative was at the tip of the blonde’s tongue when she froze. It couldn’t be true, right? Elisa rummaged through her mind and, for the first time ever, the memories came to her, like it just happened a few days ago.

It didn’t engulf her consciousness like it always had. This time, there was a distinction, like she was just remembering and not experiencing it first-hand. Elisa looked at Joanna, the curiosity on her eyes calming her, and delved down her own head for an answer.

_Elsa could feel that she’s fading. Her limbs were heavy, and it was torture whenever Anna as much as grazes her fingertips on her skin._

_It had been Kai’s suggestion to put an absurd amount of lanterns and candles on her room. Waxes were ruining the floor and the bedside table, the lamp near her head warm enough to ground her to the present, away from the pain that was too much to bear._

_It would keep Darkness away, he said. His words held true. The light of the room was keeping her alive somehow. Elsa relished the small amount of assurance as he gave her a loving smile, encouraging her, telling her to hold on._

_She would, but time was slowly wilting her away._

_Elsa could see how her skin twinkled like it was made of glass. Although sporadic, it was starting to get more frequent. She’s only glad Anna was not on the room with her, off to tell the scholars to search for a cure._

_She didn’t have the heart to tell her that they could do nothing. Darkness was right. She was made of power and without it, she would be nothing. Death was knocking on her door, and the tears flowed down her eyes like a waterfall. Elsa was so weak that only a push would send her to nothingness._

_But she held on, even just for a while. The sun was setting, and along with it, her strength. Soon, night will fall, and the Fifth Spirit would, too._

_She knew it, deep inside of her. It was getting harder to breath, and she feels so faint that if a light was to be extinguished in the room, she will be gone._

_It scared her so, so much. Elsa didn’t want to die. She went up to Darkness, believing Anna was cursed by her own love, only to figure out that she was wrong. She had been tricked and now…_

_Now she would have to go._

_Elsa was surprised to wake up inside her room, Anna’s teary-eyed gaze greeting her. Somehow, they were able to find her and bring her back, but they wouldn’t be successful in trying to keep her._

_She wouldn’t be able to fulfil Anna’s request of a dance under the Aurora on her birthday on the Winter’s solstice. Elsa would have to let her down. Again. And for the final time._

_Elsa was already miles away from blaming herself for this misfortune. Anna was right, it was not her fault. It was just the way it was. The way fate had designed everything to be. Deep in her heart, she was crying in despair. It was all so unfair._

_Why couldn’t they just be happy?_

_Her heart skipped a beat, an occurrence that was getting more recurrent as the seconds passed. Elsa didn’t want to go, didn’t want to leave Anna alone on her own. Her sister’s love could save the world, and while it was reserved solely for her, it wouldn’t be able to fend her off from death._

_She could see how Anna did almost everything to help her. She had convinced Grand Pabbie to come to the castle and when the elder troll yield only a solemn answer, Anna had pursued the archives for a cure, the neighbouring kingdoms for help, and now, the scholars for their sciences to save her._

_If only Elsa was braver, she would be able to tackle everything without a doubt. She would be able to scream her love on top of the world and feel no shame for feeling it. She would let their love define who they were and fight for it._

_In a way, it was what she did. The cost was only too high to pay._

_She tried to breathe deeper because the short, shallow breaths she was taking was making her weaker, but her lungs were on fire. Elsa winced in pain, her muscles taut as she tried to move._

_“Kai,” she whispered, her voice lacking the enough energy to be heard but the man was already upon her in a second, waiting at her every call. Commending the man for his composure – she could see the gravity of his worry from his eyes – Elsa smiled at him. “Please take care of Anna for me.”_

_The realisation of what he was hearing struck Kai and he shook his head. The way his eyes watered and the tender stroke on her hair was heartening. He had been their parent, alongside with Gerda, on all those years without their real ones and she was thankful for it, for their help and love._

_“Your Highness,” he said, voice weak and faltering. “Elsa, don’t say that. We will find a cure and–”_

_Elsa gave a miniscule shake of her head, Kai sobering up quick. “No, Kai, we won’t.”_

_The heartbreak was clear from the way his face fell. Elsa could feel what he felt. The sun was on the horizon and the sky was burning orange. It was almost time for her farewell. “Kai?”_

_“Yes, Elsa?” It was the loving tone of a father, one that had been so long since she last heard. Tears trekked a heart-breaking path. She couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye to him._

_“Please call Anna.”_

_At once, he stood up and nodded. The shaking of his voice and hands was apparent. “Of course, Your Highness.”_

_Goodbye, Kai. Thank you for everything._

_The words were spoken inside her head as he paced to the door and with words too soft for her to hear, Gerda left in a hurry._

_It didn’t take moments for her sister to arrive. Elsa’s gaze was locked on a portrait of their family when her beautiful eyes fell in her view. Anna’s face was red from running, her breaths still coming as pants. Her forehead was creased and the maroon jacket she was wearing was crumpled in her haste. “Elsa? What’s wrong?”_

_The blonde didn’t want to let her down again._

_“Do you want to dance?”_

_The question was silly, ridiculous. She was dying, her soul leaving as minutes passed, but Elsa didn’t want to let her down again. With great effort, she tried to sit up, the sharp strike of pain preventing her from doing so._

_Anna was quick to assist her, gentle hands like hammer on her freezing skin. Elsa didn’t show her internal suffering. Her eyes didn’t stop from crying, but her lips were pulled into a smile, a peaceful expression on her face._

_The auburn-haired woman was close to crying, too. Elsa could tell as her lips quivered and the shaky intake of breath she had. She was trying to be strong, for her, and Elsa couldn’t be more captivated by the warmth of the woman in front of her._

_Anna was strong, especially in that moment as she helped Elsa stand on her feet. The blonde couldn’t do it on her own. Her form was secured within Anna’s arms, her weight leaning entirely on her little sister._

_She was so strong, always had been, and Elsa wished she would never ever lose her strength. Hopefully, someday, Anna would be happy, even if it’s not because of her._

_“I love you,” Elsa said firmly, a confession she hadn’t told enough. “I love you.”_

_Anna didn’t say anything, just held her upright and swayed themselves in a quiet rhythm. Her eyes were fixed in hers. It was all she could do, look at the woman who had done so much for her with an apologetic gaze._

_Elsa wished her eyes could convey what her heart was feeling._

_Her tongue was already slack and she couldn’t breathe without fighting with a will so great it’s taking more than what it gets. Still, Elsa whispered, “I love you.”_

_Throat bobbing up and down in a hard swallow, Anna smiled at her. It was the sunshine in her last moments, and it alleviated her fears. One second she was scared and now, with the softest smile Elsa had ever seen from her sister, she was invincible._

_Only Anna could do that. Make her feel like the luckiest girl in the world even in her final moments. They were a match made in heaven, the lucky and the strong, and Elsa pleaded to God with her remaining strength for their love to live on._

_Maybe there’d be a second chance for their true love to continue. If God heeded her prayers, Elsa promised that she’d give Anna all the love she could give until she fades once more. Over and over she would love Anna, whatever happens._

_“I love you more than I could ever show, Elsa.” She meant it. Elsa smiled, no longer having feelings on her body but the words touching and enveloping her heart in a searing chamber._

_Anna’s eyes were really beautiful, an exquisite combination of green and blue, like the ocean and its tranquil waters. The light around them lit it up with gold, and it was a sunrise, a promise of new beginnings and the end of the night._

_The end of darkness._

_Her lips moved, the lovely smile never leaving. Elsa couldn’t hear her anymore, her eyes slowly getting blurry, but she knew what Anna was saying at that moment._

_Three words. All connecting them in a precious way that nobody could ever take._

_Not even death._

A hand covered her eyes, gentle hands pulling her over to a warm embrace from her back. Elisa could hear Christian make a nonsensical joke, but her focus was solely on Joanna. Her breath tickled the fine hairs on the blonde’s neck, lips planted on the base of it in a tender kiss.

“Elisa?”

She was shaking. Although the tremors in her body were minute, Elisa was sure she was shaking. An afterthought told her it was caused by her heartbeat, so strong it rattles her chest. Joanna held her firmly, arms crossed around her in a sweet chamber.

Elisa could feel how alive she was.

“Is it not?”

Elisa didn’t know what she was talking about, her mind out-of-loop with reality. “What’s not?”

“It’s not bullshit, is it?” Joanna whispered, taking all of her attention, away from the chatting men in front of them, away from the past that only hurt them, and keeping it in their little bubble.

“Past life, huh?” Elisa turned her head as Joanna looked up, smiling lips meeting in a chaste kiss. “Maybe not.”

It’s definitely not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh. Sweet, sweet delight. My hands were itching since chapter one to italicize the flashbacks BUT I really, really wanna show how Elisa (and Jo) perceived it… like they were literally experiencing it :D Just a heads up everybody, I won’t upload the last chapter on Friday like the usual but on Tuesday, this time (probably) next week! 
> 
> Thank you for reading and reviewing and kudo-ing :b. I appreciate each and every one of you, my dudes. I hope y'all are taking care of yourselves and choosing to be safe and sound xx


	10. With The Sun's Love

**Chapter 10: With The Sun’s Love**

“I’m not mad.”

Her father was not mad. No. He just looked very upset, fuming even, but no, he’s not mad. Elisa was sat at the dinner table with her nonchalant brother on her left and a slightly shifting Joanna on her right. Jude was at the other end of the table, her own parents right across from them.

The clock could be heard ticking ominously.

“But I –”

Andre shushed his daughter with a finger, a penetrating glare on the man on the edge of the table. Jude didn’t mind him, smiling good-naturedly.

“I’m just very concerned. How is it that you had a vacation for three days in God-knows-where and come back with Mr…”

“Nicolai, Mr. Lighthorne.”

“– with Mr. Nicolai _and_ his daughter asking for your hand in marriage.”

It, indeed, was such a disconcerting thing to experience. Elisa had been rendered mute for the whole while the two redhead talked to her parents. It’s not that she wouldn’t say anything, it’s just that she couldn’t.

She’s lacking the courage to look up to the seething gaze of her mother and the deathly glare of her father. Christian looked like he was enjoying the whole ordeal and was happily listening to the adults talk. She knew they weren’t really angry, all of this an intimidation technique she knew her parents were very good at.

The Nicolais didn’t know that.

Elisa stole a glance at Joanna. She was looking ahead, straight to the eyes of Anders and she couldn’t help but think it was such a humorous situation.

Joanna and Jude didn’t seem to care less about what her parents would think. In this moment, they were ever-suffering royalties attending a meeting with the visiting dignitaries from another country. How ironic when it was them who were the guests on Elisa’s home.

Judging by the snigger from her brother, it’s not only her who was thinking the same thing.

Jude nodded at him, eyes shifting to her parents and landing on her at the last second. “Mr. Lighthorne, we’re not asking for Elisa to be married to my daughter. We’re merely asking for… your blessing in their newfound relationship.”

That’s not any better. Elisa’s parents didn’t even know that she’s dating someone. Elisa, herself, didn’t even know they were dating. In fact, the only reason why she’s not red in the face, scared as a deer was because the Nicolais only told her that it’d be nice to get to know them. Seemed only fair since the two of them had word-vomited and Elisa already knew what and where the hell they came from.

But she didn’t know that Jude _and_ Joanna had this conversation in mind. It definitely looked like they were asking for her hand in marriage. Shouldn’t she be the one to think of that plan? It’s already in action, however, as the two dads sized each other.

“Elisa,” her mother began. “Wasn’t this a little too sudden?”

There it was. The disapproving glance of her mother, daring her to say a word out of line, asking her how it happened. Quickly, Elisa again was a ten-year-old inviting a stranger for sleepover.

“You’re being way too dramatic about this, guys,” Christian finally said. “They’re just dating. Nobody’s getting married.”

“Not yet,” was the sharp retort of her father. With a frown, he turned to Jude. “I get introducing the first _girlfriend_ part, what I don’t get was why the _dad_ was here, too.”

Joanna exhaled calmly, eyeing her dad in irritation. She knew this would be a bad idea. It’s weird enough that he was as interested in Elisa and her family as she was, he just had to come with them, too, didn’t he?

She had only asked Elisa if she could see where she lived, that place where she grew up, in hopes of getting to know her more. With a smiley answer, Joanna happily tagged with them.

What she didn’t expect was for Jude to go with them, too. She sighed once again, more annoyed this time, but smiled nonetheless as she volunteered to answer Mr. Lighthorne’s question. “Umm, sir, with all due respect,” she coughed uncomfortably as all eyes shifted to her. “We just want this to be an official… relationship. I respect the both of you and…” Jude smiled wider at her. “… and we, my dad and I, just want to let you know… about us?”

Joanna wasn’t sure what she was talking about, hence the end of her sentence sounding like a question, but she didn’t back down when Mr. Lighthorne’s gaze bored into her skull. It was silent for a few minutes until Mrs. Lighthorne smiled.

“How old did you say you were again, my dear?” came the soft question. Joanna was suddenly too aware of her and Elisa’s quite marginal age gap as she stuttered a reply.

“I-I’m thirty years old, Mrs. Lighthorne.”

“Mom!” Elisa screeched, a look of disbelief on her face. Joanna found it funny at least, adorable at most. “You can’t just ask a person’s age like that!”

“It’s a fair question,” Andre deadpanned.

“Ugh! You guys are embarrassing.”

Elisa stood up quickly, Joanna getting tugged alongside her. By the tint of red on her cheeks, Joanna was sure that the girl had enough.

“I’m out of here, Joanna is, too.” Elisa looped her arm with Joanna’s, sending Jude a look. “And Mr. Nicolai if he wants.”

Instead of nodding, Jude shook his head. “You go along, I’d love it if I get to talk more with Andre and Ida.”

With a wink from Christian assuring her that he’d stay and try to contain the conversation they’d be leaving, Elisa dashed to her room, Joanna following hesitantly.

“Is it safe to leave them talking there?”

Elisa closed the door behind them with a roll of her eyes. “Yeah, my parents are just being goofs. Your dad will be fine.”

“Uhh, your parents might be just trying to be ‘goofs’ but my dad…” Joanna closed her eyes stressfully, “My dad could be a weird-ass sometimes.”

Considering what happened days ago, Jude could get a little too… detailed. Elisa asked herself she wanted her parents to know… this weird circumstance they were in, but being scared of it was no longer a choice. There’s no other way from here but up. This time with Joanna on her side, she’s no longer scared.

She was about to reply when she whipped around and saw Joanna looking at the picture on the wall. “Isn’t this the cover for Coldplay’s Viva La Vida?”

Elisa smiled, but curiously shook her head. “Yeah… but not that version. This is just a picture of _La Liberté guidant le people,_ the painting the cover was inspired from.”

“Oh,” Joanna said, revelling over how the blonde spoke the words perfectly. “You like art?”

“Looking at it? Yes. Doing it?” Elisa shook her head while pulling a face making Joanna giggle. “Dad just hung it there, I don’t know why, but it looks calming isn’t it?”

There was a woman standing in a battlefield, leading the soldiers with a fist up in the air. The corpses in the ground served as their walkway and in this angle, it looked more brutal than comforting. She was sure Elsa would’ve thought that, too.

Joanna was suddenly overpowered with a thought. Elisa was right there, the woman – literally – of her dreams, but now that they were here, in Corona, it only became apparent now that she was no longer Elsa. She was her, but… not anymore. Elisa’s words from three days ago resounded on her head.

Somehow, that only made her smile wider. “Is it?”

Chuckling, Elisa nodded. Joanna didn’t know why, but her heart soared high hearing it. “Might have been a little too harsh,” Elisa inspected the picture, “But, knowing that the woman in there was Liberty, it is calming. It’s like… suffering for a reason, for freedom.”

_Ah._

Liberty, huh? Suffering for a reason sounded unfair but just. Joanna remembered her lonely nights, the pain so strong it was felt physically. She watched Elisa’s face, serene, calm blues turning to her. It’s her liberation.

“I guess it’s worth it, then?”

Elisa hummed, stepping closer to her with a smile. “It is.”

\--

These were the times when Joanna couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

Elisa was next to her, eyes closed and even breaths fanning her face. The view of the skyline of Middleton as it approached daytime hit her with a curious case of lovesickness. It thudded on her malleable heart like a hammer, transforming it into something solid and strong that even heartbreak wouldn’t be able to tear it apart.

Who could have thought Joanna Nicolai would ever get a chance to fall asleep with a smile on her face and wake up with the same damn expression? She had never thought it was possible. It was easy to believe she was crazy, that she was sick.

But now – watching the peacefully sleeping blonde next to her – Joanna couldn’t deny that. Yes, it was possible. It was possible that there was a person she’d always, always be after, and, yes, it was also possible that this person would love her like no other. Again and again, it was surreal as it always was, weird as it always would be.

This was a blessing. Life had been so harsh and cruel to her when she was younger, but this moment right now with Elisa safe in her arms and no longer willing to run away from her? It was a joy that Joanna never realised.

Elisa was so weird sometimes, but that’s what made Joanna love her so much.

Sometimes, their pain would be explosive, just like the first time they fought. She knew Elisa had nothing against her, but Elsa did. Sometimes. It was funny, although she knew it was very hard. There were boundaries keeping them in line but it was unavoidable to step into it. Elisa tend to lose herself in memories, but when she’s back, Joanna couldn’t even differentiate between the present and the past.

It was a problem, being two people at once. Elisa had asked her to recognise that fact, but Joanna, even when she was still Anna, was a hard-headed woman ready to jump headfirst into anything and everything. How hard was it to recognise? Joanna knew they’re different people now, but what’s curious was how Elisa was still so pensive about that, like it was her who couldn’t see through the past. She wanted to know what’s going on under that thick, platinum head because sometimes, Elisa could be such a mystery.

But she figured Elisa would be like that. A mystery to be solved, one she couldn’t wait to crack because Joanna _would._ She had all the time in the world, and when she fades, her love wouldn’t. Damn well, it wouldn’t.

She had missed her chance with Elsa, and no, it wouldn’t happen again.

Fluttering softly, blue eyes opened, dreary and quiet. Joanna smiled. She couldn’t help but notice that all she did was smile, but it was not something she could stop. Elisa’s lips pulled up at the edges. “Hi.”

“Hello.” 

And by the name of God, Joanna _warmed._ It’s like there was a burning fire, a sun, shining from inside her and she embraced it, wallowed in it, swum like it’s the rebirth Queen Anna used to wish for in her loneliest of days. It was hard to think without fondness anymore. “I love you.”

Elisa smiled, the kind that made her cheeks rise in earnest. “I love you.”

\--

“What are you thinking about?” Joanna asked, the skin beneath her hand was cold, but not strangely so.

The snow outside the windows was… new. Winters in Middleton usually, normally, weren’t white, but the season seemed to desire difference this year. Joanna had never seen it in this life, never thought she would, but even with the magical white powder outside, she couldn’t focus on it. Elisa looked lost in thought, a common occurrence, but Joanna wanted to know why.

Elisa jumped, surprised with her question. She had never asked before, but it was only a matter of time before she did. Elisa’s eyes darted to the floor and to the window, landing finally at Joanna’s face in a second.

“You.”

“Me?” Joanna prodded with a hint of a frown on her face. “What about me?”

Giggling softly, Elisa nodded, biting her lip bashfully. “Well, everything.”

The confusion on her face must be charming as Elisa leaned closer and pecked her at the lips. Gently, weakly, but always a welcome one. Joanna raised an eyebrow, watching blue eyes loiter on her own.

Elisa must have figured out what to say after minutes, putting their joined hands in her lips. “Has anybody told you that you are the best, most beautiful thing to ever happen to me?”

Joanna hummed, tightening her hold on Elisa’s. “How come?”

“I don’t think it’s an answerable question. You just _are._ ”

“Or maybe you’re just avoiding it.” Joanna quipped. Elisa sent her a bored look before they both laughed at themselves. “No, nobody ever had. Although my dad did once… but I don’t think he meant it in a way you do.”

Elisa sighed, eyes caressing every inch of Joanna’s face. She couldn’t put it into words, but she felt so safe. _How do you tell someone they’re the life that powers your soul?_

But somehow, Elisa wanted to tell her, explain to her how that was. Words were overwhelming her, an incident that she was slowly getting acquainted with. Joanna started at her brother’s secret girlfriend, and now… now she couldn’t live a day without seeing her.

Was it what Elsa felt for her sister? If it was, then Elisa hoped she knew. Elsa had always been wary, scared, but Elisa had no reason to be. She fought through the shyness, the doubt, and nodded, steeling her resolve.

“I do have Elsa’s memories.”

Joanna looked at her, encouraging her with a squeeze on their entwined hands.

“And I know almost everything. I know why she loved Anna, how she loved Anna, but I don’t know why I always feel like… like she’s a fool for doing so.”

_Well, that’s new._ Joanna frowned deeply at that, but she stayed quiet as she let Elisa finish.

“I don’t mean it in a bad way,” Elisa quickly remediated. “But… compared to Anna’s love, Elsa’s was… so easy to miss. Her love was… not big enough for the two of them. And I don’t know if it’s doubt but… I want to be different from her. I want to _be_ enough.”

Joanna didn’t speak, didn’t move, like a statue stuck staring at her. It scared Elisa, but she knew, oh how she knew, that nothing in her thoughts could ever disappoint Joanna.

“To you, maybe. Maybe you think it wasn’t enough but… for Anna? It was the whole world, her whole world.”

“But… Elsa… I didn’t do much for her, for you. I’ve spent most of my life trying to hide away from you and… and I haven’t had the chance to show you how much I love you while you showed it every day, every moment I was with you.”

“No, Elisa,” Joanna disagreed with a tiny shake of her head, looking directly at those sparkling blues. “You did. And Anna knew… I knew. Every moment, every day, I knew you loved me. So much that you’re willing to never see me again if it meant my happiness. If you were to ask me if you were enough… then I’ll say you always had been.” Resting her forehead on Elisa, she whispered. “And you always will be.”

Elisa smiled, not because she was assured, but because it only showed how big Anna… Joanna’s love was. Often, she’d confused herself with what she was seeing, but maybe that’s the way it goes. There would always be fear, there would be moments where she was unsure of herself, but with the auburn-haired woman by her side, Elisa wouldn’t ever be conquered with such emotions again.

\--

Elisa’s eye twitched, her lip turning downward in offence. Her father looked at her expectantly with a wide grin. “ _What?_ ”

“Are going deaf, dear?” Ida asked carefully. “That’s the third time you asked that on the same question your father keeps on repeating. It’s not like it’s hard to understand what he’s saying.”

“This is unbelievable,” Elisa exclaimed, palming her face exhaustedly. “I can’t believe it.”

“Why? I only asked when you and Joanna are getting married.”

“It’s only been six months, Dad! Don’t I recall the both of you being so adamantly weird when meeting the Nicolais back then?”

“That’s a long time ago. We’re friends with Jude now. He’s such a charming guy. And Joanna, too. They’re perfect.”

“Yes, they are,” her mother added with a teasing smile at her overheating daughter. “I don’t get how you’d wait to get married when you can do it right away.”

“ _Right away?!”_

What the actual fuck? Were they teasing her? Really? She reckoned starting this conversation normally. Elisa just got home from Middleton, staying for only the weekend as she had classes for the weekdays. To her surprise, her two loving parents had ambushed her in the apartment with the sleaziest grin on their faces.

“Yes, dear. Don’t tell me you have no plans of marrying that girl?”

Elisa gawked at her parents, eyes wide and mouth open. Her father was giving her a plain prodding smile while her mom was patiently awaiting her answer. She worked her mouth, swallowing and closing her lips with a pop. Shaking her head, the blonde tried to calm herself, wondering what could be a sufficient answer to such an odd question.

“I-I do, of course – wait, why am I even stressing myself out trying to answer you? When did my relationship status became your main priority?”

“We’re just asking,” her dad repeated, raising both eyebrows as he gave Ida a knowing look. “Is it bad to ask questions about your daughter’s life?”

Preferring not to answer his question which sounds like a trap, Elisa plopped on the couch with a groan. Her parents didn’t relent though, her mother adding more to the fire.

“Joanna’s _such_ a lovely girl. I meant it when I say she was perfect. That girl is marvellous, bright! And it doesn’t hurt that she’s so successful in her field and with _you._ Imagine putting up with a full-time college student who had no idea what’s going on. She deserves a little wedding bells and honeymooning for herself.”

Was that a jibe at her? Well, it didn’t make sense. Elisa huffed, rolling her eyes as she stood up to get herself a glass of water. And man, honeymooning? What the hell were they talking about? Seriously, her parents were sizzling her like an uncooked meat.

“After all, she’s waited long enough.”

Her first sip had entered the wrong pipe. Elisa choked, sputtered like a dying fish as her parents barely spared her a glance. Tapping her chest with a hand, Elisa tentatively raised her eyes to them.

_Shit._ They knew. _Holy fuc–_

“And, as far as we heard, you did, too,” Andrew smirked.

It was a surprise. A huge, big, fat surprise that threatened to make Elisa faint. She knew her parents were hanging out with Jude but she _never_ thought she would be their main topic – well, of course she’d be the main topic but _damn…_

_“_ I, uh, how did you… umm, what?”

Ida laughed at her, but smiled regardless the confusion on Elisa’s eyes. “I wouldn’t stress myself out for the semantics… but I’d appreciate it if you just follow your heart.”

“We definitely would,” Andrew chuckled.

Elisa sighed, took a step back, and promptly fainted.

\--

“Damn, you’ve got a weak heart, don’t you?”

Although short-lived, Elisa glared at Joanna. Being tucked in to sleep was something she hadn’t experienced in a while. ‘While’ being a decade and some. Elisa appreciated it, cherishing the fingers that brushed the hair out of her forehead.

“ _Excuse_ _you_ , I don’t have a weak heart,” Elisa rebutted, “Just… easily overwhelmed.”

Joanna tried to hide the laughter that was making way to her throat. That death stare Elisa was giving her did nothing to help her circumstance. She looked away, focusing her attention to the soft, white pillow Elisa’s head was resting on and appreciated how her smooth platinum tresses had somehow looked elegant without the girl intending it to be.

“I think you need to –“

“– get this checked out. Yeah, okay,” Elisa finished for her, a lazy smile on her lips. “I told you, I’m fine. You didn’t have to drive almost three hours for me. I’m fine, Joanna. You don’t have to worry.”

Crinkling her nose, she thought for a second before grinning at the blonde. “But I missed you.”

“Already?”

If Elisa had lapses in reality, it was because of moments like this. She was still so new to having to switch back and forth between memories and the present, but who could ever blame her for that? It was a blessing, a curse, to watch the past fly before her eyes.

This time, a bittersweet memory tugged at her, and with a smile the Joanna, it replayed once again. A scene from a movie long finished.

_“I missed you.”_

_Elsa shook her head but let herself be enveloped in a warm hug. “Already?”_

_The pout on Anna’s face was adorable as she huffed at her. “I mean, yeah, of course.”_

_“It was just two weeks, Anna,” Elsa reminded. Of course, she had been away for much longer, but she understood what her sister meant._

_The old tree behind them swayed its leaves on the breeze, and it was nothing short of a nice ending to a perfect day. Elsa had just gotten home hours ago, but her time was consumed with Yelena and Honey. She had offered them a place to stay after finally having them convinced to set foot on the castle._

_In a way, they were slowly becoming family to her and it’d be impolite to at least not invite them for dinner._

_Anna hummed, pulling away from her suddenly. Her face expressed disappointment, even hurt, and it startled Elsa so strongly. Her lack of enthusiasm must’ve hit the girl wrongly and she caught a retreating arm on her hand._

_With a soft squeeze, Elsa said, “I missed you, too.”_

_And if she was being honest, Elsa didn’t just miss_ _her. She had longed for her, craved her smile and touch and smell, and after she was done feeling guilty about this set of emotions, Elsa would feel it all over again._

_It was getting harder to evade these feelings. It seemed that running away only proved how impossible it was to get rid of this attraction. Elsa was doing this on purpose, going out of trips that took way too long to be reasonable, if only to make herself an excuse to hide from her sister._

_Anna looked at her calmly, watching the genuine words come out from her mouth carefully. Elsa couldn’t help her darting her eyes down to Anna’s lips, her teeth peeking out as she bit her lower lip._

_Elsa forced her eyes up to Anna’s eyes, hoping that her sister didn’t notice the questionable action coming from her. Anna only smiled, taking a hand on her own._

_“We’re even, then.”_

_Elsa wanted to cry out for mercy when Anna leaned towards her, resting her head on the blonde’s shoulder. Unexplainable distance was not a remedy for her heart’s situation and neither, certainly, was unexplainable closeness._

_Her hand, the one not encased in Anna’s, hovered on the air, twitching as Elsa pleaded for it not to land on her sister’s shoulder and pull her in closer but, like every other wish she had, it was ignored by her own traitorous limb._

_Elsa convinced herself to not feel warm, to not enjoy their contact. She thought of Olaf and Sven and, God, even Kristoff, but nothing saved her from her misery._

_It was so good, just having Anna in her arms and feeling every breath leave her body. Anna was warm, as always, so different from her own freezing skin, and it only proved how perfect they were for each other._

_Elsa closed her eyes with a sigh, wishing she could hit herself at this moment. If it’s not enough to be bombarded with odd feelings day and night, her common sense had leave her and join the parade, too._

_“Elsa?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_Anna looked at her in the eye, face crumpled in determination. Elsa didn’t know what brought that on, but she listened intently._

_“I have to tell you something. I… don’t know how to tell you this exactly, I’m not really good with words and all that, and I might say something wrong, but I really, really need to say this. It’s very important that you hear this.”_

_Her heart dropped. Anna looked confident, her brows furrowed in resolution. Thoughts entered her brain but one assaulted her with a force of a raging bull._

_Holy mother of God._

_It’s only been a few months – well, it had been almost a year now, but time had been flying faster than Elsa could count. She couldn’t help it, her eyes whizzed down to Anna’s stomach, carefully examining it and the non-existent bump she was expecting to see._

_Oh, God. Oh sweet, holy baby Jesus._

_Her throat clamped up and she wasn’t sure if she should inhale or exhale. It doesn’t matter, her lungs were on fire either way. There was a hot, watery pressure behind her eyelids and a sourness stuck on her throat. She reluctantly returned her eyes to Anna’s face._

_The solemn purpose in it scared her. Elsa should’ve expected it. Kristoff and Anna were married and it’s only natural for them to –_

_“I’m in love with you.”_

_– make love and have a baby, right?_

_Elsa blinked. Her sister just stared straight into her eyes with that hell-bent intensity in it._

_What?_

_She wasn’t sure she heard Anna right. Did she… did Anna just said what Elsa thought she did?_

_Her mouth opened uselessly, still double-checking what she heard in her head. Maybe it was one of those sisterly mutterings they were so used to telling one another?_

_Right?_

_Right?!_

_Anna gave a subtle shake of her head, not taking her eyes off of her. Elsa inhaled deeply, calming herself to no avail._

_“And I know you’re in love with me, too.”_

_It only was a second but the uncontrolled torrent of ice had captured the whole courtyard in a thick sheet of white. Elsa gasped, standing and stepping back away from Anna._

_Her sister, to her credit, didn’t look disturbed. Anna was still sat there, not moving an inch, but eyes following the blonde’s movements with a frown._

_Elsa didn’t know what to do, the place was slowly getting colder and she couldn’t look Anna in the eyes anymore, gaze turned to the frozen ground. Her heart was beating loud on her ears, thinking of ways to explain… explain what?_

_She couldn’t explain how she was somehow in love with her younger sister to the said younger sister without looking like a depraved degenerate. Elsa felt sick to her stomach, confused, feeling worse than ever._

_Then she recalled what Anna said thirty seconds ago, the one she couldn’t comprehend. Its weight held the words supposedly true… could it be…?_

_No. It couldn’t. Taking a step back, she readied herself, planning to do the thing that’s she best at._

_And the one thing that could be best for the both of them._

_Before she could take the next step, however, two strong hands wrapped around her wrists. Elsa jerked back, pulling it back to her instinctively, desperately. Alas, Anna’s grip was strong, firm enough to be shackles. She would have been surprised with Anna’s strength if not for her quickly surmounting panic on her slowly slipping control._

_“A-Anna, please. I’m n-not stable. My… my powers c-could hurt you,” Elsa pleaded at Anna, stuttering her words as she unwillingly peeked at Anna. “Let go. Please.”_

_I don’t want to hurt you, she added in her head. Anna wasn’t hearing what she was saying, intent on holding on to her like her life depended on it._

_“I won’t,” Anna said unflinchingly. “At least, until you promise you won’t leave if I do so.”_

_Elsa nodded, frightened beyond belief. Anna was so close to her, holding her hand. If she were to lose complete control, it would be bad. There was already a thin layer of frost creeping up on her grip on Elsa and down her arms._

_“Do you promise?”_

_“Yes!” She exclaimed quickly, anything to get Anna to let go. “Yes, I promise.”_

_Anna stared in her eyes keenly for terrifying seconds. A bone-melting relief washed over Elsa when Anna’s hand loosened on her wrist. She quickly planted her palms firmly on her sides as she crossed her arms in front of her._

_Every bit of common sense in her body was telling her to run, take off, never look back, but with Anna’s challenging glare, Elsa forced herself to stay still._

_If she had an ounce of courage on her soul, she’d use it now, at this moment. Elsa was shaking, not from the cold, but from fear. She couldn’t even do anything but stay frozen in her place like a statue, looking at penetrating greens that dared her to move an inch._

_No, she wasn’t scared of Anna, but of what she, herself, could do. Now, that Anna knew her tiny dark secret, Elsa felt bare, like her sister was literally looking at her insides and watching how it worked._

_She couldn’t be more ashamed._

_Wanting to explain herself, or at least make Anna stop looking at her like that, Elsa opened her mouth but shut it right after when a sob came out instead of something that made sense._

_Would Anna accept an apology? Surely, she could only be disgusted by Elsa but… her confession…_

_Elsa swatted the thought like a bug, breathing out an apology. “I-I’m sorry, Anna. I don’t know how you knew b-but I swear I’m trying my best n-not to… to change… t-to heal myself from this.”_

_The frown on Anna’s face only deepened. Her eyebrows were furrowed deeply, creating lines on her forehead. She stepped closer to the blonde, much to the girl’s alarm._

_“Anna, d-don’t!”_

_It was cold. The fear, her powers, everything was cold. God, she’d have to leave, quick. Elsa couldn’t hurt Anna again and by her state right now, it was a huge possibility that she would._

_It was getting colder._

_So the warmth that enveloped her in the form of the auburn-haired girl shook Elsa to her core. There was a mix of anxiety, surprise, and fondness battling for the control over her reaction._

_Anna must’ve have been really heaven-sent because, as she wrapped Elsa in an almost too tight embrace, everything in her mind went silent._

_The doubt, the fear. Now, there was nothing. A peace._

_“A-Anna–“_

_“I’m right, aren’t I? You love me. You’re in love with me.”_

_It wasn’t a question at this point. Anna was merely stating the obvious truth. Elsa gave up trying to hide her feelings. What’s the use? Her sister already knew. “Y… yes.”_

_“Elsa, will you please tell me,” she whispered directly on her ear. Elsa listened, the choice already made before she was aware of it. “Tell me that you’d stay?”_

_She didn’t need to think. Her heart answered for her. “Yes.”_

_“Well, then,” Anna pulled back, smiling at her with the brilliance of a thousand suns. “Then I promise that I’ll only love you, only you, and I will do my best to give you everything you deserve.” Elsa’s heart skipped a beat, warming powerfully as she listened. “And trust me, Elsa, you deserve everything.”_

_If there was a stronger emotion than shame or guilt or hate, it was love. She was stiff, drowning herself in Anna’s words. If this was a dream, then she’d gladly not wake up. Elsa wouldn’t question this, not yet._

_If she could, not ever._

_Anna leaned her forehead against hers, her breath puffing over Elsa’s lips, sending tingles as she whispered, “You deserve every good thing in the world, Elsa.”_

_It was painfully slow, how their lips gravitated towards each other. Elsa was timid, but she knew Anna was not feeling the same. Anna was unwavering, eyes closed as pink lips pressed against her in a kiss that tasted too sweet to even be real._

The loud smacking of lips sounded in the air. Elisa looked at Joanna, pursed lips greeting her as the woman comically put out a kissy-face. Giggling, she planted a solid kiss on her girlfriend’s mouth.

Joanna’s smug grin only made Elisa love-struck all the more. “I swear you could read my mind sometimes.”

“Heh,” she mumbled leaning closer to the blonde. “You got to be the personification of the Spirits and I got mind-reading. How unfair.”

Joanna sounded like she was complaining. Elisa glanced at her only to see her smirking. Rolling her eyes, Elisa let the redhead peck her lips with her own, smiling like a fool the whole time. 

“I should be the one to complain,” Elisa started as Joanna climbed into bed with her, lying on her side as they settled into a cuddle.

Joanna snorted, “Complain for what?”

“Well, considering _you_ got to be an angel incarnate and I was a grouchy off-brand Courage, then I have the right to say that it was pretty unfair for me, more so than for you.”

“Are you talking about the pink dog?” Joanna asked mindlessly as she stared at Elisa, thoughts hidden from her face.

“Yes.”

Humming, she snuggled closer to the blonde. “I used to love that show.”

Elisa shook her head, entangling her fingers in Joanna’s hair. It was not more than a day since she saw the woman, but her relief in seeing her again was palpable. Falling back in Joanna’s arms was easy. It was, Elisa realised, almost a natural thing to do. She was calm, content, head burrowed on the auburn-haired girl’s neck.

“Maybe it reminded you of me,” was the cheeky answer. Joanna scoffed, nosing Elisa’s ear and basking on her scent like a hound.

Elisa smelled of vanilla and something aquatic, clear yet soft, and Joanna was taken back to the rocky fjord as they stare at the borealis at midnight, a conversation about nothing and everything all at once taking place in their bubble.

Instead of answering, Joanna chuckled, the sound deep and contemplative on her throat. When Elisa caught a glimpse on her suddenly plaintive eyes, she frowned, smoothing Joanna’s cheek with the back of her hand. “Is something the matter?”

Answering that question would take only a second, but Joanna didn’t want it to be. Everything was fine, better than fine, but between thinking about the now and then and what would be, things had a tendency to be a little wistful.

Nodding, Joanna placed a feather-soft kiss on Elisa’s lips, and it was comical how the blonde’s breath hitches when it was her whose stomach was filled with thousands of butterflies. She didn’t know when they arrived, but she figured they never left. They were there alongside the thought of Elisa. Joanna welcomed it with both arms.

Their passion had them pressing firmer against each other. Joanna’s hand wandered, and it was not a surprise when Elisa whimpered when her fingers brushed a sensitive spot above her stomach, right where the swell of her breasts start.

Joanna instinctively met lidded blue eyes. In her mind, it hadn’t been too long when something like this would send them in a tearful argument. It was once a blasphemy, their need for more an immorality that tainted more than their hearts. Elsa had always insisted on abstinence, a decision Anna had miserably followed, but of course, there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do if it was the woman right in front of her asking for it.

Elisa’s eyes burned with need and the encouraging smile highlighting the passion on her face. It was different, so different from the scared one she was so familiar with. Joanna relished in the thought that, no, this wouldn’t be like that ever again. This was a good, wonderful difference that they were gifted in this life.

Oh, how Joanna would cherish it. Trailing her lips downward to the blonde’s neck, she kissed it gently, reverently, engraving the smoothness of it in her mind. Elisa’s hands were holding her head, copper hair already tousled from their mischief. The pale skin before her was taunting her, begging her to make a mark in it. Joanna happily obliged and the guttural moan coming out of Elisa reverberated on her lips, on her tongue.

It was unbelievable, how Joanna tended to her. Her lips were pressing deeper and deeper into Elisa and the blonde was sure that the woman would succeed in going further, through her skin and past her bones, into the part of her that nobody had ever seen and would never see and forever would be reserved for Joanna.

This was nothing short of a miracle. Somehow, deep inside, Elisa knew they needed this. Wherever they’d be going from here, she would hold Joanna in her arms and see through its end. The fire in her veins only intensified as Joanna bit down on her, _hard_ , and Elisa surrendered under her touch.

Enraptured with how the blue of Joanna’s eyes was swallowed by a bottomless green, the shudder that came to her was overpowering. It left her breathless, hot, craving for _more_.

“Please, Elisa,” Joanna murmured on her skin. The vibrations sent a sweet shiver down her spine as Elisa angled her head so she could meet her eyes fully. “Please let me have you.”

Spoken with such need, Joanna’s plea displayed her hunger for more. Elisa tried to minimise her reaction, shy of showing what she really wanted, but even her own body was betraying her as sounds of pleasure escaped her lips.

Nibbling on the sensitive skin below her jaw, Joanna’s tongue had lathered her with warmth and every sensible thought had run off from her, leaving her blue eyes fluttering and mouth hanging open as Joanna did her magic.

“Yes,” Elisa muttered eagerly, “Please.”

The airy response granted Joanna her wish. With boldness that she didn’t know she had, she tugged Elisa’s shirt over her head. It was briefly stuck before Elisa pulled it off in one swift motion, pink lips latching on her own in desperation. 

And if her tears fell somewhere between their hurried touches and needy breathes, Joanna would proudly show it off to Elisa, a proof of how long she’s waited and how much this meant to her.

“Are you sure?”

It was not doubt that was talking but confidence. Elisa met her gaze and nodded, thumb caressing her cheek and wiping the tears away from them. “I wanted this for so long, Anna.”

It might’ve been a slip of the tongue from Elisa, blue eyes widening and suddenly pulling out, but it made a primal growl erupt from her throat. Grabbing a fistful of platinum hair, Joanna pushed their lips back together, the sigh of relief from the blonde making her giggle.

“I know you do, Elsa.”

The coy smile from Elisa livened her up more than it should. “Is it okay that I called you – “

“It’s more than okay that you called me Anna. After all,” Joanna smirked as she leaned towards her ear, “What’s in a name that which we call a rose,” Elisa snorted in disbelief, “By any other name would smell as sweet.”

“Did you just quote Shakespeare on me?”

Joanna grinned goofily. “That I did, my lady.”

“Oh?” Elisa laughed languidly. “How charming, _Your Majesty_.” 

_What’s in a name, indeed._

Joanna was pushed in a trance where she didn’t know where then and now met. Lost as her memories and the present collided perfectly. All she knew was this blue-eyed woman looking up at her, lips pulled in a smile and flushed red. As they danced an unfamiliar song, hand-in-hand, they melted together.

When their clothes had long been discarded on the floor and the only sound that could be heard was their shared pants and giggles, Joanna was finally able to do what she’s been dreaming of. Reaching the bundle of nerves on her lover’s centre, the questioning look she sent Elisa was met with an imploring nod.

Joanna remembered Elsa by everything associated with coldness. A nice cold bath when she’s younger saved her from horrible thoughts. The AC turned to the highest setting helped her sleep. Even Elisa’s hand was cold when they first met with a handshake. All a reminiscence of the woman Elisa once was, all a safety blanket that would swaddle her with comfort.

This time was different. A good different. If the reincarnation of the Fifth Spirit was burning inside, it was one good difference she would remember.

“Ah!” It was muffled by the back of her hand, but Elisa’s surprise still rung loud in her ear. Joanna rested her forehead on Elisa’s, eyes locked in each other.

“Shh, it’s okay.”

If only possible, Elisa blushed harder at that. Biting her lip, an action that sent drizzles of liquid pleasure on Joanna’s core, the blonde stuttered, “I-I just… I’ve n-never…”

“I know,” Joanna sighed, watching as Elisa writhed underneath her, shivers of pleasure rocking her body more frequently.

“I-I mean never…”

Joanna smiled, kissing her firmly as she nodded. “I know.”

It’s actually sinful how she knew. It had been a torture _knowing_ and being unable to do anything about it. Anna had been patient, understanding, but it was a guilty pleasure how she would reach her climax while thinking about the blonde on her room, bothered beyond belief but still stubbornly refusing to do anything about her own situation.

Maybe it’s a blessing hidden behind a curse but Joanna savoured that thought, happy, euphoric that she was the one to bring this upon Elisa.

And bring it, she did. Slowly at first, but steadily picking up her pace, Elisa was already near falling apart from her ministration. Her hand was grabbed stiffly and Joanna paused, cautious and attentive at Elisa’s reaction.

“W-wait, Joanna,” she whimpered and Joanna had to calm herself before she panicked thinking what she did wrong.

“What’s the matter, snowflake?”

An old nickname, one she hadn’t spoken in a long, long time, but the moment called for it. Elisa gave her a shaky smile, seemingly calm besides the death-grip on her hand.

“Joanna.”

“Yes?”

It took a moment before Elisa spitted it out. “There’s s-something…” Her gaze swept downward for a second before giving her a meaningful look. “I feel something.”

Joanna might be getting slow because her words didn’t make sense initially. Confused, she looked down where her fingers were buried and the squeeze from Elisa’s walls was enough of an answer to her.

Oh.

“Ah,” Joanna grinned, coming back to her previous position on right before Elisa’s face. “That… _wait…_ you mean you’ve never orgasmed even in this life?”

The swat on her arm was well-deserved, but as Elisa hugged her fingers in her warmth much tightly than before, Joanna nodded apologetically at her however fake. Inside her chest, the burst of pride couldn’t be contained. Just the thought that she was Elisa’s first was enough to send her tumbling on the floor.

But before that…

Joanna continued what she was doing before she was interrupted. It wasn’t long before she was back on track and had the blonde looking at her wide-eyed as she peppered her with soft kisses all over her face. Elisa was near, Joanna was sure.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

She had never seen Elisa this free and _wild_ , hair flowing around them and blue disappearing as her eyes rolled back as she reached the peak of perfect bliss. She slowed down into a halt, and smiled cheekily at Elisa.

Panting as she came down from the high, Elisa smacked her in the arm again. Joanna yelped but didn’t move from her position, collapsing on top of Elisa as she felt how the girl’s chest rise and fall.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, even if you’re a brat.”

“What do you mean? I just gave you a mind-blowing orgasm and you’re calling me a brat?”

Elisa rolled her eyes but didn’t retort when she surged forward, catching her lips into her own. They settled with a pleasant silence as they nestled against each other when Joanna asked again. “I mean… you’d never really…?”

Elisa had half the mind to be embarrassed but, having no reason not to tell the truth, nodded timidly. Joanna nuzzled her head into the blonde’s neck.

“Yeah… Even from before, I’d never,” she answered. “I guess because doing it takes me back to you instantly and I…”

“It’s okay, I understand.” Elisa’s smell was much more intoxicating this close. Joanna drowned in it, willingly so, and relaxed as the giddiness inside her increased tenfold. “I know exactly how you feel. I’m not as innocent and nun-like as you but I know. I know how you controlled your reactions when you’re with me… how you loved me so much, how you did everything for my sake…”

Elisa turned her head inquisitively. “How?”

“Hmm?” Joanna replied, suddenly nervous. The question in her eyes were blatant. She contemplated about answering her directly. When a blonde brow rouse, she coughed uncomfortably.

“How did you know what I felt back then, Joanna? How did Anna know?”

It had been months since Elisa remembered but never did Joanna confess. Her little secret was knocking at her chest once again, shaking her, making her anxious. Elisa only smiled patiently, petting her slightly dishevelled hair.

Enough was enough. She didn’t have to keep this a secret anymore.

“The same way I knew you were in love with me.”

“Cheesy,” Elisa commented, but Joanna was not yet finished.

“I knew it the same way I knew you refuse to touch yourself because you didn’t want to disrespect me, the same way I knew Kristoff was okay even if we’re together, the same way I always knew what you’re talking about.”

Head cocking to side, Elisa frowned, confusion dawning on her more than realisation.

“The same way I knew Alvarez was planning to kill you.”

Elisa didn’t even know they were trying to kill her. Slowly, she sat up, Joanna following shortly. The auburn-haired woman’s words didn’t make sense. “Joanna…”

“Elsa was the Fifth Spirit, the goddess of the elements, my mother’s gift for her kindness. Sometimes I couldn’t help but feel jealous because of your powers but… but I guess I did have my own, didn’t I?”

Elisa stilled for a torturous second. She didn’t move, didn’t breathe and the redhead bit her tongue to control her own reaction, waiting with breath held tight, and watched the surprise turn to confusion and blossom to a sweet understanding smile.

She felt accepted, complete, _happy_.

Joanna nodded at her and let herself be kissed. Elisa’s lips were chastising – there was a huge story waiting to be told – and once they broke away, the blonde only raised an eyebrow and sighed. “You have to tell me everything.”

And Joanna would. Albeit a little brutal and cruel, the truth was a good thing. Elisa deserved that, really. “I will tell you everything.”

“But first –“ Elisa smirked, pushing her back down to the bed. “ – I believe I owe you something.”

As they come together as one once again, Joanna couldn’t help but feel blessed. Love had never really stayed for her in the past. It was something she had been chasing for so long, and she never knew if she would be fast enough to catch it.

But love was not something anyone could understand. Now, she revelled over the brightness of it.

How strong of their love to live on and how lucky of them to find each other again. The times changed, the world moved on, but as she stared into Elisa’s eyes – the same woman she danced with on a brightly lit room once a long, long time ago – she couldn’t help but think that maybe their love was really meant to last until their souls were no longer.

Until then, Joanna would stay here, next to her beloved. If she was fortunate enough, she’d never have to leave again.

Something in the way Elisa smiled said that she was.

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy molly. that’s longer than any chapter I’ve ever written. so that’s where our journey ends, my dudes. it had been wonderful reading you guys’ reviews and talking to y’all. there will be an epilogue coming in a couple of weeks to tie some loose ends (or confuse u more) but for now I’ll be chilling, maybe writing another fic.
> 
> Hope everyone’s being strong and lucky!


	11. Epilogue: The Rose

**Epilogue: The Rose**

The screaming haunted him more than the fear did.

It was a ghost, discontented in displaying itself at the corner of his eye. That’s why it screamed at him, tearing his eardrums apart and waking him up in cold sweat at the middle of the night.

Sometimes it wouldn’t stop even if he’s already awake. Christian couldn’t know what’s wrong with him at such a young age, but it was a terror unlike no other.

He remembered watching The Exorcist when he was only five years old. His parents had forbid him from viewing the film with them but, as thrifty as he was, Christian found a way. Hidden behind the wall as the scenes played and the glow of the television in the living room shone, he was sure he just saw the worst possible story ever.

Christian was wrong.

It started when he saw her, his baby sister, white-blonde and as pretty as snow, throw a what could only be a sorry excuse for a snowball once when the winter in Corona appeared for the first time in his life.

Of course, there were other things that took his attention. There was this beautiful young woman, hair a deep ginger colour and spirit as bright as the roaring flames of a bonfire, and somehow that was enough to fade the screams and numb the pain from the cold darkness not even ice could beat.

_“Do you think they’ll accept me? I-I mean… I’m just a commoner… a peasant…”_

_“Don’t say that. You are more than enough to be whatever you want.”_

Anna was her name. She was a princess, and then a queen, and Christian held her memory like a great treasure unknown to mankind. He feels odd whenever he thought of her and he was certain he was in love.

Even if she didn’t exist outside of his mind’s walls.

And so he lived as normally as he could. Sure, there were the screams of terror haunting his dreams, but, sometimes, he could catch a glimpse of the Queen and that was enough for him to endure it.

It had to be.

\--

Elisa was just a year younger than him but Christian often finds himself overprotective of her. There was just something about his little sister that made him want to stand a little taller around her.

Maybe it’s because he felt like it was his duty.

_“Will you, Kristoff Bjorgman, swore with all you have and with the last seconds of your life to protect and serve Her Royal Majesty, Queen Anna the Second, that you will do everything in your power to preserve her sovereignty and to stand by and defend what Her Majesty’s heart most desires?”_

When he remembered the Snow Queen, Christian remembered his oath and even if he was only thirteen at that time, he wept like a veteran remembering the war he fought on.

He wept from the heartbreak of it all. Having done nothing from his oath, Christian felt like he failed not only the Crown, but himself. He was not able to protect his Queen nor protect what she loved the most and Christian hated his past self for promising something he couldn’t fulfil.

After that, he dusted himself off and hugged his sister with apology. Elisa rolled her eyes at him and shrugged him off. He ought to feel envious – she didn’t seem to remember anything – but he figured it was for the best.

There was a brightness in her eyes he had never seen in Elsa’s and Christian, quietly and keeping it to himself, protected her as best as he could. Bullies were punched in the face, comfort provided when tears shone in her eyes.

That’s the least he could do to honour his oath, and maybe, just maybe, when he meets Anna once again, he would be able to look her straight in the eye.

Especially since he had secrets he would never tell.

_“Will you, Kristoff Bjorgman, pledge to give your loyalty, your love and your life to the Kingdom of Arendelle and to its Crown?”_

And the screams started getting louder in his dreams.

\--

Christian struggled to keep his calm demeanour as Elisa shook, copying his façade as he panicked about what to do in his mind.

There was blood. So much blood. And it made the wound in which it was spilling from much harder to find.

“Don’t worry, Elisa. You’ll be okay…” He took off his shirt and covered the wound in a makeshift bandage, merely just wrapping Elisa’s arm in his unskilled moves.

His sister was trying not to cry and he was trying his best not to do that, too.

It was a bad idea sneaking out to stargaze. They were just in their backyard, but Christian didn’t realise that the roof would be pretty slick after rainfall and Elisa, being the curious little sibling he had, followed him out the window in the attic.

“I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” he quickly answered.

Elisa had slipped and caught her arm on the rough edges of the roof tile and was now bleeding.

He would be screwed if his parents knew, but Elisa was clearly hurt and the blood had already stained her clothes.

Telling them would guarantee him being grounded and he couldn’t afford that when his friends had already planned an outing to a gaming zone in the city.

Elisa whimpered when she tried to move her arm higher.

Oh, to hell with it.

Gathering his courage, he lifted her up to the windowsill and carried her on his back, yelling for their mom all the while.

\--

True love.

True Love.

Until now he couldn’t decide if fate was making fun of him.

Christian had experienced love, True Love, but it was taken from him so early and without warning.

_“I have to say this… I have to let you know.”_

Elisa cried at the back of the car, their father driving to their home. Christian bristled as he heard his sister’s sobbing and his hands shook as fingers dug down to his skin.

“I will let your mother know of this, Christian. You can’t just lash out on your sister just like that.”

Christian gritted his teeth. “But she started it! I told her she can’t have my milkshake but she just won’t listen!”

“Christian,” Andre warned, sending him a stoic look.

“Why does she always have to get everything she wants? What about me?!”

Why?

Why did Elisa get to be the perfect little angel in everyone’s eyes?

Why did she have to get _everything_ without any effort?

Why her and not _him?_

“What had gotten into you? Where did that came from?” His father stopped the car in front of their lawn, looking at him carefully with searching eyes.

Christian and his father was left alone in the car as the little girl dashed outside. It was a hot summer day and the open door swept him with an icky air.

His balled fists were taken by his father, concern written on his face. “What made you think that?”

The start of an apology was on the edge of his tongue. He felt guilty for yelling at Elisa earlier, but sometimes, the words that hurt him so much would echo as he stared at those blue eyes and gentle smile.

It was such a reminder of the woman who took everything from him. The one who took the light of his life without as much as a word, the one who had complete ownership of the heart of the woman he loved the most.

It still hurts as if it just happened yesterday.

Christian still hurt from the pain of the past, but… no, Elisa was innocent, even if he was sure the past her had stolen everything from him.

_“I… I-I’m sorry, Kristoff.”_

Sometimes, it’s hard to play knight when the enemy was himself.

\--

“The ugliest part of the human body is…?”

Elisa wondered for a second before answering, the melted ice cream on her hand being wiped meticulously. “The feet.”

The terrified yell of the people on the rollercoaster behind them swallowed his snicker. It was summer after tenth grade and their parents had let them visit Disneyland on their own.

Which was refreshing.

He loved his parents more than he could ever say, the family he had been given a gift he knew he wasn’t given before, but his mom and dad was the type to smother their children.

It’s because they care too much.

“The ugliest part of the human body is…?”

Elisa smiled at him, waiting for his answer. Slowly and surely, she was growing to be the person he remembered her to be.

She was tall, reaching up to his forehead, and the gentleness in her eyes was exactly the one he knew. If Christian could say one definitive description about Elsa was that her eyes were always soft. Nice. Like you could punch her in the face and she’d apologise.

Wait a minute…

Christian remembered something so funny and _wrong_ and he tried his best to look like he didn’t just recall that one heated conversation between Kristoff and Elsa.

He stared in Elisa’s eyes. There was no foretelling of a worry in it but she had those exact blue eyes he knew so well.

As another batch of screaming commence behind them, he knew it was because she _was_ nice, kind, probably an angel in disguise, and it alleviated his fears of being not enough.

It’s just that she deserved it more than him.

“The nose.”

Elisa chuckled at him, scrunching her own nose as she laughed. His chest warmed.

Maybe he didn’t have what he wanted, but he was given what he needed.

\--

A familiar face was always a blessing.

Christian stood at the bleachers. Waiting for _her_.

He couldn’t believe it. Pulling a neutral face was hard enough when his heart was already jumping from joy at the familiarity he was so obsessed with, but as he waited and time passes, his face was already crumpled from anxiety.

Was it her? Did she remember?

Was she Anna?

When Christian turned, it was confirmed to him that she was _._

Albeit a little awkward, their conversation had been sweet and a little part of him hoped that she didn’t remember.

Call it selfishness, but he wished for something he couldn’t have.

“How long did you know?”

With tears threatening to fall down, he mumbled, “Since I was young. Before I even know it could be real.”

But as he watched the sadness cross Joanna Nicolai’s eyes, the obvious hammered on his brain.

“It’s her, isn’t it?”

“I think it’ll always be her.”

She was never his.

\--

His stomach was churning. A pit of melted fire roared inside him, cooking his insides until all it became was smoke, condensing on his skin as sweat, trying to cool down his heated body.

It was unbelievable.

And yet it was real. Protected, locked inside the ice as it beckoned him. Closer, and closer. Until the palm of his hand pressed on the glass box it was kept in.

_“It’s too late now, Your Majesty…”_

_“No… please…”_

Christian trembled before it and only Joanna’s kind touch brought him back to reality. He took a shaky breath, the air coming to the bottom of his chest, and exhaled it the same way it came in. “You okay?”

No, he wasn’t okay. His facial expression said that. Christian’s eyes flitted between Joanna and the cursed artefact.

That was what it was. Cursed.

“Does it… scare you?” Joanna wasn’t even looking at him. She’s looking through him, to his soul, talking to a man long dead and hurting.

Christian shook his head. It didn’t scare him. It terrified him, petrifying his thoughts and sucking every bit of positive energy it could find.

“No, I… I _feel_ it, you know?” He looked back to the sceptre, swallowing the dryness in his throat.

“Darkness?” It was a whisper, too scared to be anything louder in fear of retribution.

He didn’t answer, had no need to, because as what he could see, Joanna knew about it entirely. Her gaze was calculating, measured, and the slow nod of his head urged her to rub her hand on his back, comforting him.

“It won’t hurt you,” she added. “Not unless you touch it.”

The scars on her hand was hidden, but Christian could see it bright as day as Joanna tried to close her palm.

“I… it’s…”

It’s _cursed._ It had no business in this life. Christian feared that the sky would suddenly blacken and engulf the whole place down and this moment would only be a memory the future him – the other him – would remember.

She sighed, took a peek at the sceptre, and looked down to her shoes. “It’s horrible, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Two words strong enough to magnify his anxieties, but that was all he would say about it. He’d keep the shrill voices to himself, forever, until he forgets about it.

Joanna pitied him, understood him, but Christian could never tell her about it. Darkness. Arendelle. Everything that happened after Queen Anna took her very last breath.

“But it’s just there, you know? Inside a glass cage, not hurting anybody.” Couldn’t hurt anybody, he heard the unsaid reassurance from her.

Christian didn’t know what to say to her.

“After... after Anna died…” He shook his head frantically, but Joanna didn’t heed his unspoken request to _stop, don’t ask, “_ What happened to Arendelle?”

“Nothing… I-I… I don’t remember.”

Lie.

Joanna shook her head minutely. Christian faltered. “I… it’s true!”

She didn’t believe him, from the almost stoic way she was inspecting him to the small wrinkle on her forehead, Joanna didn’t believe him.

_“The castle, Sir Kristoff, i-it’s…!”_

With a defeated glance, Christian begged her not to push. No. He couldn’t tell her.

Never.

It’d break her heart… and Elisa’s. Christian couldn’t do that. The two girls had a chance for happiness.

Nothing should take that away.

Not him, not Darkness, and certainly not the past.

“Miss Nicolai!” A brusque, well-dressed man greeted them as he approached.

Joanna sent him a final look, nodding once and turning on a big smile as their audience entertained their presence.

He agreed with Joanna’s decision. It shouldn’t be here, in Corona, where Elisa could see it.

It’s the best they could do to swaddle the darkness of the past.

\--

_“I will let you take everything I have! Everything! Just give her back to me!”_

What counts as a nightmare?

Was it the leftover fear when you wake up? The cold sweat that clings to your shirt and touches your skin as you shake yourself awake?

Christian thought it was the pain of never letting go.

“Hello? Is this Christian Lighthorne?”

Maybe it was also the quickening of the heartbeat as he realised that, putting on his coat and running to the car without his left shoe on.

“You are the ICE contact of Elisa Lighthorne. She’s at Corona Medical Centre. Please come urgently.”

It was also the twinge of pain that crutches your heart in its shell as he listened to the voice of Joanna panicking on the other side of the phone.

He shared her fear.

He was there. Watching it all unfold. Like every great love story, it ended in tragedy.

Christian didn’t want to lose anymore.

And if he wasn’t Kristoff anymore, then he refused to let Darkness win again.

“What happened?”

Elisa just stared at him, at lost for words. She seemed okay, but them being in a hospital was jarring even for him.

_“Everything?”_

“I… don’t know.” He raised an eyebrow at her. Elisa shook her head genuinely. “For real. I really don’t know.”

She told him she was going on a date with that girl he had never seen. The fact that the ‘girlfriend’ was MIA was telling. Elisa wasn’t the girl who’d just go to a museum by herself though, and he cursed that damned girlfriend for leaving her alone like this.

“The medic said you came from the museum down south. What the hell happened?”

His voice was stern, reprimanding, and the almost terrified look on Elisa’s face scared him. She didn’t say anything anymore, just looked at the sheets like she’s trying to find an answer she couldn’t have known herself.

When she met his gaze again, the cold dread caused by the fear on her eyes hit him. “I don’t know.”

Elisa wasn’t telling the truth. He held her hand. She was shaking. And cold.

So cold.

“Are you okay?”

Joanna and him had visited the same museum months ago. He had seen it.

Darkness.

The screams echoed on his head. He couldn’t let go.

“I don’t know.”

\--

Elisa came home crying. It was midnight and he only heard the door shutting loudly but when he came out, her door was ajar and the sobs filled the air.

“Elisa? What’s wrong?”

She sniffed but didn’t look up from the covers. Christian felt his heart broke.

He hadn’t seen her cry in years, the last time probably when grandma Bella died when she was fifteen. He feared that Elisa had known already and was hurt, or scared, or overwhelmed by the memories.

Christian didn’t want her to feel what he did.

Kneeling on floor next to her bed, he rubbed his hand on her quaking form. “Elisa?”

“I-I’m fi-fine.”

“No, you’re not,” he insisted. “What’s wrong?”

“I thought I w-was ready b-but I wasn’t and… and now I’m so c-confused.” The sobs weakened as blue eyes peeked at him. “I feel s-so _incomplete,_ Chris. Why do I feel like this?”

He didn’t know the answer to that. Christian only sat next to her and let her cry, the sobs from her hurt him.

Was it the damned sceptre? Or that Hanna girl? Christian was confused, too, but he strengthened his resolve. Uttering soothing words, he prayed to God for the darkness to pass.

\--

“I’m only doing this because you forced me to.”

Christian rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.”

The groan from Elisa was comical. They were a few minutes from Arendelle and the both of them had freshen up. Getting ready for their landing, Christian packed two water bottles in his bag and snagged a muffin from the tray.

This might be a long day.

“But, like, seriously.” He gave Elisa a blank look. She didn’t back down. “If you didn’t drag me by my hair, I wouldn’t be here.”

“That’s quite pathetic, really.”

His answer was a slap in the shoulder.

“I feel weird today, you know that?” Elisa huffed, looking at the window with a forlorn expression. It caught his attention. “Like I might throw up but I have to come with you so I toughened up and did.”

In the middle of her sentence, it sounded like a confession.

He felt queasy, too, even if he didn’t say it. Elisa was starting to remember, but it’s not enough for him to say anything. Christian felt nervous, like he was waiting in line for a job interview, worrying about impressing the evaluator. 

Now, he was watching his sister scrutinise him, baiting for something.

“If you didn’t want to come, why did you?”

Joanna’s invitation didn’t include him, but he made her realise that Elisa wouldn’t come without him. In a way, he was petrified. He was there the last time Arendelle stood and he didn’t know what Elisa would see.

But since Joanna had seen it already, there should be nothing to be scared of.

“Because you wanted me to.”

Christian fidgeted in his seat. He knew this would be the key to Elisa’s memories, but he also knew it was one he never wanted to see again. “Whatever. Just be ready.”

The determination in Elisa’s eyes told him he was the one that should be ready.

\--

“You’re a piece of shit, you know that?”

Christian wasn’t fazed. The expression on his sister’s face was unlike anything he had seen her wore before but so similar to a picture in his head. He smiled wider. _Ah, the face of an affronted royalty._

Joanna had retained almost all of Anna’s mannerisms, Christian wasn’t surprised since she remembered since she was young, but seeing his sister slowly recalling Elsa’s was an amusing experience.

“Been some time seeing that face, Ice Queen,” he commented, only aiming to tease her more.

“Had anyone ever told you that you’re a smug son of a bi–”

“Ah ah ah,” Christian wiggled his finger before him. “That’s your mother, too.”

Elisa huffed, eyes getting sharper once more.

“I know, I know. You’re mad because I didn’t tell you.” He held his hands up submissively, but still, that smile on his face was hard to erase. Taking a peek at Elisa, he couldn’t suppress the chuckle on his throat.

Elisa’s eye twitched. “What’s so funny, idiot?”

That insult brought a certain kind of assurance to Christian. In a way, he was scared that Elisa, no, _Elsa_ would be mad at him, but as the blonde woman across from him pulled a face of disgust, he couldn’t help but feel… content? Even happy?

He saw how Joanna was, how she acted and spoke and _smiled_ and how she was basically Anna in every sense of the word, and thinking about his little sister suddenly vanishing to make way for Anna’s was depressing.

It might be because he was being selfish. No, not because he wanted Joanna all to himself –a thought Kristoff had harboured all his life – but because Christian didn’t want to lose his baby sister.

It was such a relief to remember all the hurt and suffering with being alone his past life had lived and have the ability to come back to reality to see _this life_ , where he had two loving parents and a sister who loved him. Even with the memories of Elsa and Elisa clashing, he knew that his sister was there for him, that they really were family.

Joanna was already hopelessly lost to Elisa, all that she was and could ever be, and a little fear shaped like a child knew the blonde was already on her way in that path, too.

Christian didn’t know what he was feeling but Elisa wasn’t just Elsa to him. She was his best friend, his biggest fan, and to think that Elisa would go back to the person she was before – not like there was something wrong with the Snow Queen – he didn’t know how to handle it if she’d just look at him the way she did before.

Elsa and Kristoff weren’t close. They were friends… just distant ones. Anna and Kristoff’s falling out didn’t help that.

But Elisa and Christian were super close. Like Batman and Robin. Snufkin and Little My.

Elisa was still glaring at him. He couldn’t help but hide his growing grin behind his cup once more.

\--

“Is it really that easy?”

Christian’s eyes bored into Matthew’s skull. The man didn’t pay him attention, his gaze turned to the waves approaching the beach as night endures.

Finding it easy was _hard,_ harder than thinking that it was a complicated mess.

Joanna told him her indefinite fear of the dark. He felt it. To an extent, even if she had never said it outright, Christian knew Elisa did, too.

His was definitely not the same ones Joanna and Elisa had, but it bore a resemblance to it.

“Oh yes. My grandmother said so,” the man chuckled. Christian saw how he traced a scar on his palm, the same one he saw on Joanna’s. “It might be silly, but maybe that’s the way it is.”

He scoffed, offended, miffed, feeling all kinds of emotions that said disbelief. Christian could hear it, at this very moment, the screams of the townsfolk as the ground shook.

“Don’t… don’t be like that…” Christian cupped his own face, squeezing his eyes shut. _Help us!_ “Shit, don’t act like you don’t remember that hell!”

Matthew finally looked at him, but he didn’t see the fear and terror on his face, an image clearly shown on his own, only contemplative understanding. “Do you really think that it’s hell?”

“Well, what the fuck is it then?”

_“Sir Kristoff! Your hand!”_

Christian smacked his own head. The darkness didn’t help. He could feel his skin crawl.

“What do you want me to say? That they’re forever cursed?”

_Arendelle was slowly fading away, Darkness engulfing it as the hearse of Queen Anna left the castle._

“You want me to tell them that consequences of their love buried the whole Kingdom in an absolute storm, damning every citizen in it?”

_“Leave, now! You can still escape!”_

“You want me to tell Anna that a week with her sister caused the land to be vacuumed of holiness after her death?”

_“Help us!”_

“Do you want me to –“

“Stop!”

“Why?” Matthew challenged. “Why do you look like the same man hurt by Darkness so long ago?”

Did he?

Was he hurt?

Was… was Christian still him?

“I…”

Once, when Joanna was hanging out in the living room of their apartment, Christian couldn’t help but feel that even if everything had already changed, some things didn’t.

Like how her sweet laughter filled the air with so much pleasantness just like before. Joanna’s eyes still crinkled around the edges when she smiled too widely. The way she’d turn to him fully, giving every bit of her attention was familiar, just like once when she made him feel like he really mattered.

And Elisa, just hours ago, sitting crossed-legged and poised even if her irritation with Christian blasted full volume. The shy smile she gives when presenting him a gift every Christmas morning. The softness in her eyes never disappearing even amidst an argument.

Some things never change.

Some things didn’t.

But what about him?

Elisa and Joanna, even if most of their characteristics were recognisable, were blaringly different from the people in his head. They’ve changed in a way that was best for them.

But why did Christian stay the same?

_“Why are you doing this?!”_

Why couldn’t he let go?

_A horrid laughter, too ominous to be anything but depreciating._

“I… I don’t know.”

It was a nightmare that Christian couldn’t forget. It was engraved on the walls of his brain, diminishing his confidence and echoing in his mind like an overthought idea that would only serve him no good.

Matthew studied the gloom in his eyes for minutes and longer until Christian had gathered up the courage needed to show the shame and fear inside of him.

He nodded, acknowledging the sadness and injustice carved in Christian’s soul.

“The screams… they haven’t stopped yet.”

Matthew shook his head as his gaze returned to the ocean before them. Wisdom, or maybe ignorance, made him utter, “Darkness won’t ever leave.”

Christian frowned at him, processing his words and turning it over in his hand. The sentence was an unwanted souvenir, one made with airy breathes and a dark hue of apprehension in Matthew’s expression that he often sees in the mirror, but it was one he’d hold and put in his pocket.

And once he gets home, it was one he’d put in display in his room and, until he was struck with an epiphany, one he would shine every day. Sunday shoes, except he would have to wear them all the time until its weary and torn enough to be kicked off and tossed into a bin.

“It was there before we were and would be when we’re long gone. To some it was a childish fear. Others, like my grandma,” Matthew smiled at him warmly, “believe that our soul was infinitely entangled with it… how can’t it be when it was there when our souls were being made?”

It sounded like a child’s story made for bedtime, but it was a fairy-tale Christian wanted to read until every last syllable could be heard in his head without any effort.

“Christian?”

Clearing his throat, he asked, “Yeah?”

“Imagine giving Darkness the blessing of a land, of a kingdom. Imagine giving your very soul to it, and selling your pure, beating heart with all the love you could give.”

Hesitantly, Christian nodded, not knowing where the older man was going on with this but willing to tag along.

“Now imagine what will happen when you gave such entity the only thing it couldn’t touch.”

Stunned, he mulled over Matthew’s words, squeezing it for everything it could give and drinking every ounce. “Wait… what do you m-mean?”

“We’re not cursed by Darkness, Sir Kristoff. We’re merely… casualty.”

Christian sighed, the space in his chest unrelenting in its pressure. “But everyone was…”

“I found her. Halima, I mean. Her name is Ally now, and she’s grown to be a beautiful, blessed woman who I’m proud to call my wife… she loves the fact that I’m not a soldier anymore, and together, we revisited what once was home.”

“B-but…”

A hand caressed his shoulder firmly, Matthew gently shaking his head. “A whole kingdom and a lifetime. That’s enough for a happily ever after, don’t you think?”

\--

The screaming stopped.

Christian didn’t know what to do with the silence after.

\--

“Do you ever feel stupid?”

Elisa scowled before looking up from her laptop, index finger pointing innocently at her face. “Me?”

“Who else am I talking to, dipshit?” Christian gestured around the room. “We’re the only people here. Please disregard the other people you’re seeing. They don’t exist.”

Opening her mouth to retort, Elisa decided against it and nodded. “I feel pretty stupid all the time but I manage.”

“How come?”

“Explaining it is hard,” Elisa answered. “But compare it to playing scrabble and looking at the letters. At first, you won’t be able to make sense of anything… not until someone gets a word out and then…” She snapped her fingers up. “… you can finally make do with what you have.”

“Making do with what I have sounds hard,” he whined, kicking his feet up the coffee table.

Elisa returned her attention back to googling skiing resorts. “Just wait until everything’s in place. You’d be surprised with what you could score.”

_

The wedding ceremony was actually very nice.

Being in a secluded hill with the distant view of the city was actually pretty sick. Joanna had hesitated asking him about what he thinks about the venue but she promptly did, too excited and nervous to show it off to the woman she’s marrying.

He could feel a little pang of jealousy but Christian knew it was hopeless. He might have been loved once by the feisty woman he called his beloved, but he couldn’t ever call her his own.

Anna might have loved Kristoff, but she would always love Elsa a thousand times more than him. In whatever life, Christian would lose against the blonde, and once he recognised that fact, it wouldn’t hurt as much.

Christian smiles as his white-clad sister pulled him in for a celebratory hug.

“Well, hello there, Mrs. Lighthorne-Nicolai.”

Elisa practically glowed with that, the happiness palpable even if both of his eyes were to be closed. “I’m sure I’m still dreaming.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What a beautiful,” – he took her hand and inspected the ring on her finger – “ _expensive_ dream you have here, El.” 

Elisa didn’t get a chance to answer as their father beckoned her for the second hour of picture taking he and a couple photographers were doing. Joanna caught his gaze and widened both eyes, most likely signalling him for help, but as Elisa was pushed against her again, the newlyweds were immediately lost within each other once more.

This time, the smile on his face appeared effortlessly.

Christian watched as a woman stopped beside him, a bouquet of red and white in her hands. She must’ve been the one who caught it when it was thrown.

“Whoever made the idea of using roses for a bridal bouquet should be commended and awarded. Seriously.”

He chuckled politely as the woman spun to him. “I… It’s beautiful, I’ll give you that.”

“I know right!” She smiled, her thick, lustrous eyebrows rising energetically. “Do you know that from where I’m from the rose is considered as the flower of love?”

A lot of cultures reflect that sentiment but he nodded at her, interested. “Really?”

“Yes. We have all sorts of ceremonies and rituals all involving roses which – I think – is the best way to celebrate your love with someone. I could show you some pictures if you’d like.”

His cheeks spread into a smile. Why did it feel like he’s experiencing déjà vu? “Sure… I’m Christian, by the way.”

“Ryley.” The woman replied with a grin.

Christian nodded warmly. Asking him to hold on to the bouquet for a second as she searched her bag for her phone, he took a stem out for a look.

Unknowingly, he pricked a finger on its thorn but instead of getting irritated, Christian felt secure. It’s what Elisa was talking about a few months ago. The letters he was given still didn’t make any sense, but the players were already taking turns.

Soon, he’d be able to make a move of his own. In due time.

“Oh, shit. You’re bleeding!”

Christian laughed as Ryley took his finger for further inspection, replying, “It’s what roses do.”

“Hurt you and make you bleed?” she quipped with a raised brow. “Well, if that’s the case, then it’s worth it. Just look at how beautiful it is.”

As his gaze swept to Joanna and Elisa, Christian couldn’t help but think that love was akin to a rose. They’d been hurt, they bled, but it’s worth seeing the beauty in it after everything.

Ryley quickly peeled a pink band aid and covered his finger in it. He softened as he met her gaze.

Maybe next time he’d be able to see the beauty for himself, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eh, i don't think i answered any of your questions buuuuuut, yep. that's it. Take care of yourselves, my dudes. see you again later xx


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